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Original poster

Has anyone else found out their life was a sham?

38 replies

DeeRose · 10/09/2014 12:44

I was just wondering if anyone else had ever completely and utterly believed someone truly, deeply loved them only to find out it wasn't true.

I don't mean those relationships where you have been together a while and sex dwindles, and there's a rough patch and one of you falls out of love and I don't mean that it was with someone who was a player or a psycho or an arsehole or someone with a rep for being a dick.

I mean in a relationship that was close, supportive, loving, affectionate and romantic with a person of otherwise extremely good character.

I don't mean that you just believed they loved you. I mean someone making you believe that they loved you SO much it would be unimaginable that they didn't. Someone who convinces you to believe without a shadow of doubt that you were their entire life, the best thing in their world and that they would have your back to the end of your days regardless of what life threw at you.

This happened to me, and I am (a year on) still struggling deeply with it.

His change of love didn't come about over nothing. It came about when I got ill, and he left me for being ill. Too stressful for him.

I got better, and am over my illness, but I am haunted by this.

OP posts:
ThinkAboutItTomorrow · 10/09/2014 13:01

Wow. No, i don't have experience but the idea makes me go cold. The person who said you were the love of their life bailed when you got ill?

Cowardly weasel. And that's the polite version.

It is all about his deficiencies not you. Please don't let it take away from the rest of your life. I can imagine it makes trusting and really relaxing in another relationship tricky though.

Thanks
minkah · 10/09/2014 13:06

Did the person who loved you show you he loved you by his actions.

Was he perhaps mistaken in thinking he knew what love is.

When a trial came, he found he didn't know how to love, after all.

3mum · 10/09/2014 13:07

Would it help to recognise that it was not that your relationship was a sham, but rather that your ex did not have the maturity or depth of character needed to sustain a strong relationship through good times and bad?

I suspect that is a more accurate view. I am sure he loved being with you when everything was easy and happy and it was simple for him to enjoy the good times with you and profess his love for you.

However, some people just do not have what it takes to deal with tougher times. He should have stepped up and been there for you when you needed him most because that is what proper adult love is. In fact he came over all childlike me me me and ran away. Not such a good strong character I am afraid. It is in the bad times that we find out the value of our relationships. I know you loved him, but it is time to move on and find a man who is worthy of you.

One day you will realise that you had a lucky escape. Someone said recently that you know a man is a good un when you can be absolutely sure that he will be right there beside you solid as a rock loving you unconditionally through sleepless nights with puking children, money worries and breast cancer. Absolutely true and don't ever settle for anything less.

(I say this as someone whose exH also usually failed to step up to the mark in a crisis. Unfortunately I was so good at dealing with things myself that it took me years to realise that I was in a seriously defective relationship. Been there got the T shirt - don't follow my example!).

StephanieMercury · 10/09/2014 13:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NickiFury · 10/09/2014 13:10

Piss off Stephanie that is in thoroughly bad taste, trawling MN for pain that YOU can make a story out of. I have reported your post.

Original poster
DeeRose · 10/09/2014 13:12

Thanks Stephanie, but no thank you. It's very private.

I think what haunts me is that I did think he was a goodun who would be right beside me as a rock loving me unconditionally through sleepless nights with puking children, money worries and breast cancer. He always did step up to the mark in a crisis.

I know it must mean something was defective in him because normal people don't behave like that but find it really hard to accept any of it really. I still feel like someone is going to shake me awake and I'll find out it was just a bad dream.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/09/2014 13:15

I used to be married to a man who, at the time, I would have said was all those things you describe until the day he dumped for someone else, quite out of the blue. It's only with the benefit of hindsight that I realise that he wasn't what he claimed to be. Far from being close and supportive, a lot of the time he was actually very selfish and controlling. The big romantic gestures and intense declarations of love were only rolled out to keep me on side. Took me a long time to get to that understanding because - being honest - I was still clinging to the fake, not accepting the reality

In short, I don't believe anyone becomes a cold-hearted bastard overnight. However, neither do I believe it makes my or anyone else's life a 'sham' to discover that someone was play-acting.

How long were you with this person?

Original poster
DeeRose · 10/09/2014 13:16

Did you completely, COMPLETELY believe it at the time?

OP posts:
Original poster
DeeRose · 10/09/2014 13:17

Sorry, 4 years.

OP posts:
minkah · 10/09/2014 13:20

DeeRose, you say he did always step up to the mark in a crisis?

So there were crises he could deal with well, but your illness floored him entirely?

NickiFury · 10/09/2014 13:21

Not exactly the same thing but I was married to a man who I trusted implicitly. His Dad cheated on his Mum and he swore he'd never do it. He was so adamant. A real honourable, devoted man. Right up till the day I received a text message meant for someone else. Then it all unravelled and it turned out he'd had numerous OW throughout the marriage. I've never been so shocked, it beyond my comprehension.

Original poster
DeeRose · 10/09/2014 13:25

Well yes, I say dealt with well but he was never much of a problem solver (bit of an avoider) but he was always very reliable. We had bad times. Family illness, money issues, job problems. During bad times he was a great cuddler, always with a ready ear, always with lots of energy to help with things but he wasn't the one directing what needed to be done admittedly. He did sort of play the role of my protector in that he always wiped away my tears but he was always a bit weak.

Thanks NickiFury, it was really stuff like this, someone doing something beyond comprehension. I know what is stopping me recovering is really accepting it to be real and true - because it still feels just surreal.

OP posts:
minkah · 10/09/2014 13:26

He was always a bit weak.

I really sympathise.

borisgudanov · 10/09/2014 13:27

Reported Stephanie, and hope they use their strongest bleach on you. Vile.

outer · 10/09/2014 13:30

Urgh Stephanie, how vile.

OP turn it around: "have you ever believed that someone was a certain kind of person, and found out that you were wrong?"

Yes, I have and I imagine others have too.

You thought your ex was a kind, good man. You were unfortunately wrong and he was a lowlife weasel who was undeserving of your love.

Good that you know. Knock him off his pedestal and move on.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/09/2014 13:33

I COMPLETELY believed it because I desperately WANTED believe it. For 12 years he told me he loved me at least twice a day, right up to the night before he left! I wasn't totally blind to his faults (and I'm sure your ex had a few faults) but I naively subscribed to the idea that 'love conquered all' and that it was my responsibility to make him happy.

fun1nthesun · 10/09/2014 13:34

Yes and he did it on purpose. The whole overwhelming love, then isolating me, picking on my behaviour tearing me apart one step at a time. He absolutely destroyed my life and I haven't really trusted anyone else since. He did tell me he was mean as well on more than one occasion. I really should have listened.

You can love yourself still though, he was a liar and he destroyed your trust, but he acted appallingly and karma will get him. You will find someone else, you will probably never love as much again, but it will be "safer" so that your feelings don't ever get crushed in that way again.

All the best Flowers

outer · 10/09/2014 13:37

Cogito mine told me he loved me after he had already left!! For the OW!

I think I laughed in his face. I hope I did.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/09/2014 13:43

@outer... the one I remember (post-departure) was 'I love you... but it's not enough'. Confused

minkah · 10/09/2014 13:45

Partner being a bit weak, good at the sweet verbals, but crumbling when you need him to step up to the plate... Very disappointing, and confusing too, when we are distracted by the verbals and cuddles into believing we have a solid partner.

I've experienced this too. Deeply disorienting.

We thought they were solid, when actually they are crumbly.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/09/2014 13:45

And just to reiterate. Being duped doesn't mean that your life is a sham. You've been genuine OP and you still are. He turned out to be the fake.

minkah · 10/09/2014 13:46

Spot on, Cogito.

Twinklestein · 10/09/2014 14:07

A male friend of mine got dumped for getting ill, I don't think it's uncommon. He wasn't even that ill in the general scheme of things in that - it was debilitating yet recoverable and he did indeed recover.

His ex was, I think, underneath quite insecure and quite ruthless. She was someone who defined herself through academic success (she was an academic) and I think having an ill partner made her feel like a loser. She simply didn't have the maturity or the love to see him through.

She then married an architect who cheated on her & had a thing for her best friend.

Original poster
DeeRose · 10/09/2014 14:12

I wasn't that ill either. it just compromised our lives for a little while. Not life threatening.

Do you think this means that person did not ever love you that deeply then?

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 10/09/2014 14:30

I don't know.

I think you can love people intensely without loving them deeply.