youre the most controlling person i know, says dh to me

[noonar]

just because i questioned his timing of popping out to get beer. meanwhile i'm expected to stay home and tidy up and do dinner. all i meant was that he could help me do a few chores first so that i didnt have to do them alone. he's normally good around the house, but i'm upset that he sees this as an issue of 'control'. he said taht he wasn't a bloody 5 yr old and could go out when he liked. i was fuming and put the food i was going to cook back in the freezer. i'm eating the kids leftovers for dinner. he's stropped off and said as he left'do i need to get a take away then? how can he say all that and then expect me to want to cook for him?

what a nob head.

i am sure he has probably had a bad day at work and is just not venting appropriatly but youhave every right to be upset by what he has said.

tell him that its the fact you 'control' things that means he has a tidy house, food on the table and well bought up children.

thanks fattiemama, the thing is i am a bit of an organiser and like to make plans, but am aware that sometimes i need to relax a bit. he knows that i have quite good self knowledge in this area, so he knew how hurtful i'd find his comments.

You need to give him a taste of his own medicine, pick a night to go out, leave early so he has to deal with the kids - preferably dinner, bath and bed. Then come back and see how much more he appreciates you and what you do!

Men - why do they all think dinners etc just magically appear?

does anyone else get accused of being controlling? he controls things at work, and as FM points out, if you are the main carer for the DC, you have to control certain things at home. he always asks me things like-'what are we doing this weekend?' 'what are the girls wearing today?'' what shall we eat tonight?'. i wish he'd make a few more decisions on the domestic front, tbh. he looks to me, then complains about it.

tryingtobegood, he does usually do alot around the house, so i cant complain, but its just very hurtful to be told that i'm controlling, when i just wanted a bit of company/ help.

oh sounds so familiar!!! I think that once you take on role as full time mum, they just completely give up all responsibility on the domestic front. My dh could not tell you how much is in our account, and has never cooked a meal since the girls were born without expecting full detailed instructions from me. He once got annoyed at me when I said cook the mince till it is done. I was outside in the garden and he kept running out with the pan saying is this done, is this done?????? Yes he is very responsible at work and he is good father and husband on the whole, but yes his complete uselessness on the home front is grating........

My friend says that you should not say 'can you please do that...', but instead 'when you find the time can you...', apparently this makes them feel like they are in control???

I think he probably did say it in the heat of the moment and no doubt regrets it now. We really make their lives easy and infinitely more wonderful and they KNOW IT!

Yep, he's being an arse. Why don't you just pop out at, say 4pm - 8pm tomorrow, tell him you don't need his permission.

Trying2begood, oh I obviously get that wrong then, I say 'I'm fking pissed off that you xxxxx'

LOL

think she must've been reading the mars/venus book! my biggest bug bear is when he says that he does so much to 'help'. that one word speaks volumes, doesnt it? he thinks i'm being pedantic when i point it out.

HELP? HELP? What, so it's YOUR job and he's just a mere assistant? So he helped make the children, (you had to do childbirth though, frankly I think they should be so fking grateful for that that they never stop thanking us for it) he lives in the house, therefore he too is responsible, imo, for cooking, shopping, cleaning, thinking about who is going to eat what and when, buying childrens shoes, school uniform preparation, school liaison, jabs, dentist appointments, responding to party invitations, getting presents to take, organising parties, sorting out tea dates, taking them to the park, you get the idea.

Maybe it's all about expectation management because I made it clear when I met dp that we were BOTH responsible for this stuff, it's both our lives.

the funny thing is www, that he's is very hands on with day to day stuff eg washing, dishwasher duty, bathing girls etc, but his use of the word ' help' reveals a deep rooted attitude. in fact his ' helpfulness' sometimes works against me, as he's always reminding me how much he does, thus making me feel inadequate.

'arent you talikng to me ?' he's just asked, over his plate of fish and chips. 'idont want to argue' he says. how am i supposed to forget hurtful comments in an instant? am no good at that.