Help me break my over-respectful mindset please?

[CarpeJugulum]

(I don't know if this should be in Relationships, but I can't see where else to put it; apologies if this isn't the right place - let me know and I'll get MNet to move it!)

Anyway, I have an issue when I deal with people in authority positions, especially in a work capacity - so my line manager (not my immediate boss), the managing director and so on.

I was brought up to respect my "elders and betters", and due to a whole catalogue of childhood issues I know I've taken this mindset too far. I am now struggling to see them as people who just happen to have better jobs than me; instead conversations with them make me all sweaty, tongue-tied and actually scared in case I do/say anything daft. It's almost like I expect them to find a mistake and fire me for it IYSWIM.

In no way do I want to stop treating people with respect and as I would like to be treated, but I do want to become more professional and less panic-stricken as I'm starting a new job in November so I'll have a clean slate.

I've already had counselling (not CBT) for other issues relating to childhood issues, and we did touch on this, but the advice wasn't helpful.

Any advice?

I am similar, in that I find it hard to see people in higher positions than me as equals. A tip I was given once, which does seem to help a bit, is to imagine them in an undignified position, on the toilet or similar. It helps you to remember we are all just people at the end of the day, whatever job we do.

Tricky one. Unlike a lot of areas of life, the people you mention actually are in a position of authority and do technically have the power to make your life worse. :) So it's not an irrational fear and you do have to tread carefully.

My suggestion would be to a) know your stuff, b) practise being assertive through your counselling and c) put on a confident act, regardless of what you're feeling.

a) because if you know your stuff you're generally going to be more confident & better able to argue your point if there's any discussion. b) because assertiveness is something you learn rather than an innate ability and, with practise, it becomes a lot easier and less stressful. c) because people have no clue what's going on inside, it's what you look and sound like outside that they respond to. If you have clean slate opportunity c) is particularly apt - plus you must have come across perfectly well at the interview so you're probably doing it already

Best of luck

How are you with people who have similar ranks to you in the workplace, or more junior jobs? Try thinking of everyone as if they're the CEO (including you). That way the actual CEO has no greater standing than you/anyone else.

It's a bit complicated in my job in that this is no one at the same rank as I am; however with more junior staff I'm friendly and polite and in general I think I'm liked. There are a few exceptions where staff (generally those who I have know for years) have become more like acquaintances/friends so it's less formal, but that's hopefully normal.

However, I know that I'm probably not seen as a manager - which I am, but equally that may be because of the company hierarchy IYSWIM.

Is it important to you that others like you? In a workplace environment, especially one with a flat or muddled hierarchy, it's often necessary to act like a manager if you want to be treated like one. Sometimes that means you have to create distance, even if you'd rather be buddies. Think how cringeable 'The Office' character David Brent was when he tried to chummy up to his staff one minute and then dish out commands the next. :)

Ah yes, the "people liking me" thing. Yes, it is important to me although I'm working on it; mainly due to the childhood bullying, I have to have people like me otherwise I stress out.

I'd rather be friendly than authoritarian, and that is an issue that I'm working on, but it's sort of ingrained in me.

I don't think friendly and authority are necessarily an either/or. You can retain authority and be civil & approachable without being intimate.

Have you heard of Amy Cuddy? She has given a Ted talk on body language and assertiveness - you could take a look and try the 'power poses' she suggests. See if it helps!

I also hate it when people don't like me. or rather I used to. Now I work out, by watching them for a bit, whether I like them or not. The managers who get the best results are always the ones who treat people with respect. So just be polite and do your job and you'll be fine.