How to not love someone anymore, can you learn?

[startinoveronmyway]

I would really appreciate some advice from anyone who has been left. How do you move on? How do you heal? I feel like the only way I can move on and not let him living his life affect me so negatively is to not love him anymore.

I'm having such a hard time of it and no matter how much I try to think positive, it's just pain, pain and more pain. I had major set back yesterday in that I saw my STBXH most definitely is moving on in full force. Not surprising, but was like a knife in my heart.

Can you make yourself not love someone? Can you turn off that button that makes you care, or that makes you hurt?

I just want to stop living in this nightmare and I know that is up to me, but how?

Thanks.

You can't make yourself feel an emotion and you can't prevent yourself feeling emotions either. Sorry to break it to you. What you can do, however, is find other outlets for your love and your energy until enough time has passed that your feelings and memories have faded. I don't know how long you've been separated but think in terms of years rather than months.

Seeing exes moving on with their life hurts more if you feel you don't compare and you are not satisfied with your life. So focus on your life, and detach as best you can from theirs. Good luck.

You need to do a few things to start to detach. Look at your STBXH as the man he is and not the romantic hero in your head. You have to realise that the man who is moving on with his life is very different to one you fell in love with.

Do at least one good thing for yourself every day - whatever it is you love - a bubble bath, favourite food, lighting candles. Consider redecorating or moving the furniture around - make your home entirely yours.

Think back to all the things you loved to do before you met him but that you stopped doing because you were busy focussing on him. Write them down and choose one of those things to do this weekend. The idea is to rediscover who you are. Dig out the fun loving woman that so often gets buried in a relationship. Be selfish!

Write down all the things you've always wanted to do and plan to do them, one by one. They could be small things like joining a gym or going to a pottery class or big things like learning to ride a motorbike or going to Nepal! Have lovely goals to look forward to.

Write down the things you're scared of doing now you're on your own and figure out how to get over that fear. I was scared of going to the cinema alone - really daft - so I picked a film and off I went and I loved it! I actually prefer to go to the cinema alone now!

Plan everything. Use a diary and fill it. Get in touch with friends and suggest going out for drinks. You may find, like I did, that you need to find new friends. My friends were all coupled up and I wanted some single girlfriends so I joined City Socialiser and Meetup to get myself out and about (I was 45 when I found myself sacked from my old life).

When your heart is breaking at 4am turn on the light and write - let it all out. Those words will spew out and it doesn't matter if it's all about hate and sadness. It doesn't matter if they don't make sense - just let those thoughts and words out. I would read what I'd written the next day when I was calm again (much of it was illegible) and then bin it. I found that after a month or so I was scrawling less and hating less.

It takes determination and time but you need to become a whole person again with your own life and your own interests and while you're putting yourself first your feelings for him will start to fade, they really will, and one day you won't cry when you think of him and then you'll find you don't think of him at all.

You will probably have to force yourself to be shiny and bright - the fake it till you make it days - on other days you'll bounce out of bed and embrace the day and there will be dates when you can't and you just sob under the duvet but you know that tomorrow you'll be up and at 'em again.

I've been there, I've done it and I've got the T-shirt. I didn't want any of it but I did everything I've written above and it worked. It's not easy, it's not quick but it's better than pining for someone who hasn't given you a backward glance and there's no reason why you can't be the one who's careering ahead with your new life. Good luck!

excellent post Beforeandafter

Hynotism worked for me, many years ago.

Thank you Beforeandafter I am trying so very very hard. But everyday feels like a nightmare. Every second of every day it just isn't getting better. It's only been 3 weeks and everyone says that time does heal....but my god, the pain. I did love him right until the day he left. I was deeply in love with him and then he left me....now he has hurt me so much, I don't ever want him back. I just want the pain to go away. I just keep crying and crying and crying. Day after day.

Three weeks is as good as yesterday when you've gone through a big trauma. You're going to have many more bad days than good days. What do you do with yourself during the day? What's your schedule? Who are you with?

Hi Startinover. I have been through this too. I was married for years then found out my exH had OW. I'm now about 3 years down the line.

Beforeandafter's post was great advice. I'd also say three weeks is no time at all. Just let the feelings come at this stage. Feeling deeply is nothing to be ashamed of.

When you feel up to it I'd say the next step is to book yourself a time to cry. Ideally about half an hour in the evening. Sounds stupid but it is surprisingly possible during the day to think "no I won't think about that now, I'll think about it at crying time". Train yourself to save up your sad thoughts and tears for then.

I absolutely agree that making new friends and starting a new social life is a great idea. I had one friend when my exH and I split up, now people often say that they envy my social life. I also used and still use www.meetup.com and also www.spiceuk.com.

Look at what night and evening classes are available locally. It's good to do a course if possible because that makes you go even when you don't feel like it. Tell your friends that you would like to be invited to as many things as possible. People want to help but are often not sure how.

Get out there and fake it till you feel it.

The other thing is that you absolutely will fall out of love with him, but that takes time. It probably took me about six months in all to fully get over him, but we had been married for twenty years. TBH what has taken a lot longer is to overcome the feeling of humiliation of wasting so much time with such a dickhead!

Start to train yourself to think about all the things you did/do not like about him and suppressed before (for example I was never thin enough or pretty enough for my exH and he was the master of the snide put down done in a way where I would have been accused of overreacting if I had objected). Start to build a list of all the things you hate about him and add to it as much as possible over time. It does not matter how small the things are, the point is to stop idealising him in your head.

Finally, start an "I am great" jar. Get a (big) jar and every time you think of something good about yourself or someone pays you a compliment, write it on a piece of paper, roll it into a ball and put it in the jar. Look for every small plus point. Kept your temper when someone behaved badly? put it in the jar, offered your seat to someone? do the same, achieved a deadline at work? - yes, do the same. You will fill the jar and seeing it filling up is such a boost. You can also read it when you want an extra boost.

Good luck. It's a crap road, but many of us here have walked down it and come out stronger the other side. Lots of support here on MN.

Three weeks is so early Start. You are probably still feeling your heart racing, I bet you still have that nausea and the knot in your solar plexus and you cannot sleep or eat (enjoy the weight loss, it's the one good bit...). At this point I would say just cry and talk and write it all out. Tell everyone you know in RL. If you can, try and do one nice thing for yourself each day - treat yourself as you would a friend.

If you work tell your boss, tell your colleagues, tell your family, tell your neighbours - do not be embarrassed, you will be stunned at how many people have been through this and you will be amazed at the kindness of relative strangers. I have such lovely friends now that emerged from such horror. My boss totally had my back. I went into work, I cried, I talked, I moved paper from one side of my desk to the other and everyone was behind me scooping up the undone things that I just didn't do and they did all that with kindness. Let them do it - don't fight it.

You will see changes, you will see little glimmers of sunshine in your sadness but I think it's too early at the moment. Bit by bit the sad times will get less and good times will expand and then you will be seeing that in days, not just minutes or hours but you have a way to go yet before that starts happening.

It will help if you take control. Have you seen a solicitor yet? Do try and ring around family lawyers and talk to a divorce lawyer. Many family law firms offer free 30 minute sessions - try and summon the strength to think through the practical stuff, write down the questions you need to know answers to and then arrange a meeting with a lawyer. You don't need to start anything yet but it's good to know where you stand. I know it's horribly early but even though you're in terrible shock at the moment make sure that when divorce gets mentioned that you do the right thing for you (do you have children?) and that you don't get swept along with everything that STBXH suggests.

For now, be kind to yourself and just treat yourself as you would a friend. Take care.

Thanks everyone. I am always amazed at how many of us are out there. I wonder how do you ever trust another man again? How to not think they are all bastards?
My kids are at school all day, so one big empty day to fill and think and cry and think and cry. I know I have to stay busy, do things, go to the gym,etc. It's so hard to motivate myself though. I just want to collapse in a puddle of tears.
I am so emotional today. Only got about 2 hours of sleep last night. Yes, I have lost nearly a stone now, always nauseous, feels like someone punched me in my chest all the time, nightmares each night......When does it end? When does it get to the point where I can sleep and eat and not cry the whole day?

Hi Start,

As others have said, 3 weeks is no time at all & everything will still be incredibly raw for you. I felt sick all the time & felt like I was living someone else's life. It was the most horrible experience , so I do empathise.

The thing I found helpful was just to try to be kind to myself and take pleasure from small things. I won't lie that it was a struggle to start with as I felt so down & sad that I barely had any enthusiasm for anything. I had to just "be" with what I felt - for me, I knew I would have to deal with the feelings & the pain had to be gone through if I was to come out the other side. In the beginning, just taking it day by day was as much as I could do.

Once I had got past the initial shock after a month or so, I made sure I filled my diary as much as possible, even if I didn't feel like going. It was good to get out - even if it was just for a walk on my own or a bumble around the shops. I shared a house with my ex for almost 2 years post separation (whilst he continued his affair) so being out of the house as much as possible saved my sanity.

Once I got angry (this came after the initial devastation) I found focussing on my divorce helped me to move forward with my own life rather than thinking about what he was up to.

As time goes on, the tears will be less frequent and you will find your appetite and happiness again. I'm almost 6 years on and whilst I do think of my ex occasionally, I don't love him anymore (how could I after what he did - it took time though) and I have found my peace again. I don't cry over him anymore either. Wishing you all the best and sending hugs your way - this is the worst bit, hang in there.

I found reading other threads really galvanising and informative in terms of the divorce process and the practical stuff that needs to be done. WellWhoKnew's thread is inspirational:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2076472-Dear-STBXH

Oh, banana that must have been torture to live with him too.

I am following that thread too before WWK is truely inspirational. She is so strong.

The thing that makes this all so hard to let go is, my STBXH is being so damn nice even nicer than in our marriage. It's like I feel like a pathetic dog because he is being so nice and doing the right thing by the kids and I financially and going beyond to help (alleviating his guilt, I'm sure). But I was so starved of any good feelings from him, that now that I am getting it (even in a perverse way) it makes me all the more angry thinking why couldnt he at least be nice to me in our marriage? Why is it now, when he left me, is he playing the nice guy and being so damn considerate, honorable even? Why not put that effort into me a long time ago?

I love him/I hate him, but I don't want him back.

Oh love, it's so hard isn't it. You've had sterling advice from BeforeAndAfter and bananamilkshake.

Time helps so much, it's the only think that really does in terms of turning off the feeling of loving them so much. It is horrible when you love someone desperately and don't want to anymore. It will, I promise, it will get easier.

Thank you all