Sex (or lack of...)

[DaphneMoon1]

My lovely husband and I have been married for almost a year. I am five months pregnant.

My husband and I have not had sex since the night he got me pregnant (and even before that, it wasn't exactly a regular occurrence...but this is the longest it has ever been).

I love him so much and I know he loves me. Our relationship is amazing in every other way. We are kind to each other and we love spending time together. He is so considerate and attentive and he looks after me so well (I have been quite sick throughout the pregnancy so far). I am not remotely interested in any other man and I have absolutely no reason to believe that there is someone else on the scene for him either.

We talk about it. We worry about it together. I still fancy him to bits and he says the same about me. We always touch each other, cuddle up lots, etc. However we both work high pressure jobs and when we get home we're just so tired and stressed out. It doesn't feel to me like there is anything wrong with our relationship (and again he says the same) we just don't really feel like it, I guess.

I guess I'm worried that this is actually a big problem and we just don't know it yet. It's hard to explain. Why don't we feel like it any more? When we were dating, we never had this problem (believe me...!) it makes me feel sad to be honest. We are so close and happy in every other way.

When did it start? You imply it predates the pg, but can you pinpoint when it began - was it when you married?

I think it was just before we got married. We were under a lot of pressure with work and planning the wedding and we were just so tired at night, it just happened less and less regularly.

Don't worry about it. You haven't been together all that long. If you are both happy and in love then it will be ok. Maybe the stress is causing your hubby to have a very/non existent libido. It happens, add to that pregnancy which can be stressful too and you have a lot on your plate.

I really wouldn't stress about it as that seems to be the only real issue. Relationships go through spells like this, once the baby arrives there is less opportunity for sex for a while (in my experience) so the fact you still have a loving, supportive relationship despite the current lack of sex is actually a positive thing

I don't think there is an underlying issue if the rest of the relationship is good.

If you have been ill through the pregnancy, it's also possible that he doesn't want to throw himself at you, as he assumes you are probably not in the mood.

I think in situations like this, especially when there is stressful work involved, it's really important to prioritise getting some decent rest. It sounds so trivial, but it makes a huge difference. So have friday nights as "home date night", and watch a film, or cook a meal together, or just do something very low key and relaxing, then get an early night.

Make sure that you have nothing planned for saturday mornings so you can have a lie in. Make sure you both spend time on saturday mornings doing things at your own pace, and not rushing around. Try and see if you can use saturday afternoons for sex, or sex based stuff, if you are in the mood and have the time.

You need weekends for a reason. It's nice to go out and see friends on friday nights after work, then spend saturdays rushing around like your arse is on fire as you feel like you have to get things done, but the consequence of that is that you never get to actually rest and recover from the week. And it's affecting your relationship. Not in a serious way, but the fact you are both too tired for sex is still an effect on your relationship.

If this bothers you talk to him again, and listen. Ask if there's anything he wants to talk about. Most of what you describe sounds very positive.

After the wedding you both went back to work and had the usual stresses. Now you're pregnant and prone to all the crazy hormone stuff. The tiredness, mood changes and demands that your changing body endures. And he's there 24/7.

I don't get any sense of impending doom reading this. Maybe you two are just tired, maybe he panics you won't return to work and he'll be sole bread-winner. Or knowing how sick you've been perhaps he's being considerate and not suggesting sex?

If the latter and he is scared of somehow harming you or the baby perhaps ask him to go with you to your next ante natal check up. Ask the midwife in front of him, can my husband hurt our baby by having intercourse with me?

It's not an absence of sex that tends to kill relationships normally, it's an absence of intimacy. If you can maintain the intimacy, you'll make it through the dry spell. That said, if you both have high-pressure jobs, go easy on yourselves. Take a 'duvet day' now and again... reconnect.