Long Lost Family makes me feel so sad

[ssd]

I've had an empty lost feeling within me for years and years. I was very close to my parents, I was the youngest child by far. My parents have died now and I'm very aware my siblings don't care about me, I've tried for years to keep in touch, they never do, never phone me, never ask about my kids, never show any interest. They might as well not exist. Watching the programme on telly makes me feel so sad, I have siblings but they are so absent from my life I might as well be an only child. In fact I wish I was. And please dont say you should try harder, I've tried and tried and tried, and got no where. You cant make someone care when they dont.

Re family trees. I signed up to one of these genealogy websites a few years ago and it's a good hobby for those long winter nights when there's nothing much else to do! One branch of the family had already been well-researched by descendants in New Zealand so that saved some time. I had a lovely moment when I 'found' my much-loved, late grandmother, age just 3, listed on the 1911 census living with her baby sister, mother, father and granny. It was like finding an old photo. I also managed to answer some questions that had puzzled me down the years and unearth a few secrets in the process. Recommend it.

The family tree idea is definitely a good one ,im addicted lol ,there is so much you can find out ,and surprises to be uncovered !

I seen this advertised at my local library, I might go there to find out more. I did join ancestry.co.uk but the free trial ran out and it costs too much.

the only thing about finding out stuff is theres no one to discuss it with, or to say do you remember **, anyone who knows anything is now dead.

its the personalities I'd like to know about, through my research done myself I've seen some old photos, some of the relatives look like me but I dont know if they were like me, IYKWIM. I've also visited graves of uncles and aunts and grandparents who died long before I was born, but I dont know what the person was like.

I just want to know who am I like? and where the hell did my sister come from, is she like anyone from my past? I have never met a relative of my mums, they are all dead and my dads family are all spread out in other countries, and have lived abroad 50 plus years.

I wish I'd asked mum more, but it used to upset her talking about the past, and she would get confused. I should have asked her 20 years ago, but you dont think you'll ever be in this position in your mid 20's.

and for everyone else in my position, I've honestly never met anyone like this before and whilst I wouldn't wish this on anyone, it helps to know its not just me.

it sounds like you have the hunger that some adopted people have to find out more, ssd.

its not that I really want to find out as such, I dont feel it'll make much difference or fill a hole, i've seen old photos and without anyone to explain them or talk about them its just a photo, same as the graves, its just a grave, I dont feel very much as I've got no one to connect me to them

its an empty feeling

I can't help thinking that one of the reasons it's stuck at being so painful is because you (say you) feel ashamed of wanting your siblings. You have some real grief to deal with here - the loss, disinterest, of your family. That hurts! Rejection and abandonment is nothing to be ashamed of iyswim.

Perhaps if you didn't feel ashamed of hurting you would be able to feel those painful feelings with compassion; that you have a right to feel them, they are wholly understandable in the circumstances.

Perhaps, also, you feel ashamed because you, at root, believe you must deserve it, that it's something about you? Whether you do or not, family rejection is very painful and cuts deep.

thank you springydaffs, your post hit a nerve with me. I dont know why, but I do somehow think they are better than me, they have a lot more money, much better jobs, great social lives and lifestyles, and I feel like a wet drip by comparison. In my heart I know I've nothing to feel bad for, I looked after mum for years whilst they did very little, and I'm proud of that. But to be honest mum said very little against them, it was sort of accepted I did it all, my mum was never one to complain, she just accepted people as they were. But I was very very resentful of them even before mum died, as it was so hard to look after mum whilst having young kids. I sort of hold everything in and never told them how I felt, although a few times I did, and I got either promises to help more that never materialised, or I got shushed, like a petulant kid. I wasn't allowed to complain, as far as my sister thought mum should be left in a home and I was told to get on with my own life. But mum didn't need a home, she was sharp as a tack, she just needed personal help and a bit of cleaning.

Anyway, I dont mean to go on, but I do appreciate you coming back to the thread ad posting what you did.

Family dynamics do cut deep, somethings seem to be ingrained, even when your head tells you otherwise.

I was just thinking about something dh said about my siblings, when he asked if they ever phoned me, after mum died, and I said no, I never hear from them...he said," what I don't get is their indifference towards you, you seen your mum for years, do they really think you wont miss her" and its the word indifference that chimed with me, thats exactly how they feel about me, indifferent. I can take most feelings towards me, love, hate, anger, whatever, but indifference from people you grew up looking up to is very hard to take.

Well. They don't sound like very nice people tbf! Absolutely horrible, actually.

As it happens, my eldest sister was like this, for decades. We come from working class stock and my sister married into the middle class. Actually, lower middle class to be accurate about it. She and her husband are artists and, oh my, she made it quite clear she considered the family so far beneath her now she had scaled such dizzy heights. She was truly insufferable. In her 60s she got cancer and it seems to have punctured her self-importance to some degree.

I made so many excuses for her, I couldn't compute how someone who is supposed to love you could behave in this way. It's been a long time but I don't care about her any more. She is out of my life now, my choice, and it is pure delight to have the snotty, heartless cow out of my life for good. I find her truly revolting.

Anyways! I don't want to hate her, simply because I don't want hate in my life - she's done enough damage, I'm not going to let her do anymore.

Clearly I'm not there yet! Contempt is the best i can manage so far. I'm working on it! She didn't just hurt me, she hurt all of us. Our mother still won't badmouth her but, reading between the lines, my mum is angry with her. The whole family cowered under my sister's imperious indifference for years and years. Revolting, as I said.

But I longed for for years and years

What a terrible waste of years!

Hi OP, I just wanted to offer you a different perspective. In my case I'm one of the older siblings and I have younger half siblings who I'm not very close to. We collectively have pretty hopeless/absent parents and recently my half sisters have been complaing about me for not meeting their needs. They don't really know each other as they're from different sides iyswim. I have teenage DDs and my younger sisters have young DCs. The reality is that we're not very close and never have been.

When I was struggling with the demands of a young family I was pretty much on my own. My siblings were young adults who never took much interest. Fair enough. Now they're in the same position and I feel like they're wanting me to fill that void. I really, really don't want to be their mother. I'd very much like to be their sister but they only ever come at me with needs and demands and I honestly just don't have it to give. I need relationships that are give and take. I've been managing without family support for a long time and I'm afraid it simply isn't a bottomless well. I have tried over the years but the weird mother/sister dynamic they impose on me isn't something I can cope with. They complain I don't do enough for them, expect me to pay for everything. It's a completely one way street. I hate it actually.

My sisters would probably tell you that they took an interest in my DDs but beyond being pleasant to them at occasional family gatherings they really haven't. They would be unable to tell you the names of their friends, the subjects they're studying at school, their favourite bands etc, etc. They would also probably tell you that I'm much better off than them but while I'm probably a little more comfortable now I'm a long way from rich and I was every bit as broke as them at the same age. Just one time I would love them to approach me with something other than what they need. I'd be so happy if they sent one of my girls a keyring or something little related to their favourite band. I'd love it if they showed up to support the girls at a sporting event. I don't know, just anything really.

I don't want to project my family disfinction onto you but I just thought it might be worth thinking about from the other perspective. I don't know how old your neices/nephews are or how well you know them but my advice would be to start there. Friend them on facebook and make sure you send them supportive messages and show an interest in their lives. Send them cards and momentos to celebrate their achievements. Call your siblings for no other reason than to identify the perfect birthday present for their DC.

You have nothing to lose. You'll probably end up with a wonderful relationship as an aunt. You may even end up growing closer to your siblings and your own children will come to know their extended family. If it doesn't work out it will still be okay. I ended up giving up on the idea of a supportive family and instead have a filled my life with wonderful, mutually supportive friends and genuine give and take friendships. I really hope you find what you need too.

Dozy, your story is interesting, thank you for sharing it with me. Heres what happened with me in relation to nieces and nephews and what's happening now. When my nieces and nephews were growing up I visited them a lot, collected them from school, sent them things from my travels, knew their interests and hobbies, would never have forgot their birthdays. The nieces were the only bridesmaids at my wedding. I adored them. They spent loads of time with my mum and dad, their grandparents. I was in my 20's and travelling or working at the time. Now fast forward 20 years, my nieces and nephews have grown up and all work in well paid jobs. My parents have died and my kids have no grandparents at all. My kids are at school. No one even knows where my kids school is. They never ask about my kids interests/achievements. They never ask anything, no contact, my kids get an empty card on their birthdays sporadically. My brother has absolutely no contact, no cards on birthdays, no interest in them, sister sends a card if she remembers. I sent cards to my neices, nephews for 30 odd years, I get hardly any back. My kids have various sporting and musical achievements, no one from both my or dh's extended family has ever been in the audience. I've sat through many concerts/sports days for my nieces and nephews. This has been forgotten. They are now having their own families, I sent their children presents, my children get nothing back. I never borrow from them, never ask for anything, would rather starve.

I don't know how long to give it. In my head I've given up on them, my heart makes me do otherwise. Maybe I'm just daft.

Springydaffs, your story is very similar to mine. "Imperious disinterest" sums up my sister exactly. Thanks for hitting the nail on the head.

Typo above - I meant to say I longed for her for years and years. I really did. It was so painful.

Sometimes I would see her and she'd throw a little crumb in my direction, which I would fall on. I wonder at the shame you feel, and I felt. I wonder how much of that she orchestrates/orchestrated. There's a cruelty in it, emotional cruelty.

Which is why I've finally closed the door. I'm all used up with hurt about her.

I also got involved in her children's lives - but was frequently chided for not getting it right.

She was making it clear that the family was beneath her, that she had moved up on. She clearly struggled with shaking us off. She openly sneered at our parents' working class ways. In the latter days, as i was waking up to her, i took to greeting her in an overt working class way, thick accent. She didn't see the funny side - I admit I was being spiteful, or at least angry, puncturing her supposed superiority. I also sent her crap, or kitsch, presents. Yy horribly passive aggressive (blush) but presents were presided over and had to be the height of stylish.

To 'imperious indifference' I would add 'imperious disapproval' - all that we were didn't meet with her approval. Her stuff. (there was more to this in that she particularly emotionally abused me - so it wasn't just that she was a snob ashamed of her background).

I went on to marry a total toff, the real deal. Pure chance. She fawned all over him. When I left the bastard him she leapt to his side.

Sorry to go on though!

Don't apologise, I really value what you're telling me. I can see an awful lot of similarities in our experiences. My sister likes to think everything she does is wonderful. Her dh fawns over her, to the point it seems sycophantic. To me she's a classic narcissist and he's a classic enabler.No wonder she's as bad as she is. I often wonder if she knows what she says to me and if its calculated or just ignorant. I suspect a bit of both. She hasn't met any adversity in her life yet (her words, not mine) and shes almost 65!! Everything has gone in her favour so far and anything disagreeable, like mum getting old and infirm and needy was ignored. Must be great to be so sure of yourself! And to know you have done everything in life perfectly.

I'm waiting for karma to bite her on the arse, but shes teflon coated...so far...

springy, your post there about longing for her and the crumbs thrown at you is so correct. I feel the exact same way. I wonder if its a close bond I'm longing for, like a fantasy, because in actual reality I don't want to see her again, ever.

I sent her a book, once, as a present, wrapped and everything. It had clearly been read by me , well thumbed. In it some snotty sorts end up in a caravan that comes unmoored and ends up going over a waterfall - big descriptive passage of that bit.

I bet I get judged for that by MNers. Hant been there, hush thy mouth.

I've got some stories that would make you shake your head, things my sister has said to me, but cant go into it here...

you know, after "speaking" to you here, I've realised today I don't like my siblings very much at all, I don't think much of them. I feel now instead of looking for their approval, like I'm not good enough for them, they aren't good enough for me!! I haven't felt like this before, it feels like a bit of a revelation! Long may it continue!

it helps to get it out, doesn't it!

Oh that's FAB. Delighted to hear it!

I wish you would tell some stories!

My sister has a much better life than mine. Her house could be in a top-end interior design magazine, no trouble. I met someone once at a party and, when it became apparent I was her sister, he said, with reverential awe, ' have you seen their house ?'. And the awful truth was that I hadn't seen it for years. She always acted like we were honoured to be allowed in the presence.

Insufferable! It's not the only way she is 'rich'. She has a very charmed life. I didnt care about all the style and glamour, I just wanted her to be my big sister.

I do too, but its never going to happen

and I could have done with a sister....

my stories would "out" me a bit, I don't think anyone would believe some of them! and once I start, I cant stop......I dont have any positive stories about her, for as long as I can remember she's been under my skin, always doing the opposite of what's normal to me....I know people are never the same, but I'll never understand how someone who should be tiny bit like me is the total polar opposite...to me, normal is just looking out for each other a bit, not living in each others pockets, just caring about each other, even for a distance, but she only cares about herself and those in her little bubble.