Is my mother a narcissist, and where do I go from here?

[grazingfees]

I have had a pretty rocky relationship with my mother for a long time.

When I was younger I managed it by living away from her and not seeing her that often. She lives 150 miles away but since having DC has visited far more frequently.

These visits are always very stressful for me. She will come into the house and either demand to know why something is broken and we haven't fixed it (minor wear and tear stuff) or she will follow me around telling me that however I'm doing something (inane - such as hanging up washing) is wrong and trying to 'correct' me.

She doesn't seem to have a proper grasp of the fact that I am an independent adult and that I have boundaries that she should respect.

She has been like this for as long as I can remember - I can remember accidentally not locking the bathroom door when I was a teen and she came in. That's fine, it was an accident, but instead of quickly shutting the door and walking off she just stood there staring at me naked in the shower.

She makes a big thing of wanting to see the DC, but when she's with them it's not like she's actually with them. She doesn't listen to what they say to her, but she likes the idea of being the doting grandmother.

She gets stroppy if she isn't the centre of attention...for example, a few years ago DC1 turned 2 when DC2 was 6 weeks old. We had a day out at the zoo with my parents and my PIL (who my mother is insanely jealous of).

I forwarded on some photographs of the day to her afterwards - most were from FIL camera and a couple from our camera. Afterwards my mother stropped and wouldn't speak to me/avoided my calls. Even when my Dad told her that I had just found out I'd been made redundant from a job I was relying on going back to.

Eventually I asked her what she was wrong and she said "I'll tell you what's wrong - there are NO pictures of me at the zoo in the photos you sent. Not one, it's like I wasn't there!!"

The majority of the photos (maybe 50 were of animals - there was a singular ONE of me, on MY DDs birthday). I hadn't taken a single photo. I just...is that a reason to sulk and refuse to speak to a DD who has a toddler, a newborn and has just found out is facing financial uncertainty?

Anyway...I have spent my life being told by her that 'she can't say anything to me' that I am feisty, gobby, argumentative (and my Dad backs her up on this - though he is quite happy to 'tease' me to provoke a reaction).

Finally, at the age of 36 I'm starting to wonder - what if it's not me? I think my parents see my as a totally different person to the way other people do, because they are the only people in the world I am like that around (defensive, basically).

Meerka, Milly and badvoc - it's so hard, isn't it?

Vodisgod I can relate to the grandchildren stuff. My mother wants to be the main player in the DC's life, but she can't actually be bothered/isn't interested in the things that go on in their lives.

DC2 started school yesterday, no phone call from her - same story 2 years ago when DC1 started. Yet she tells everyone what a devoted grandmother she is.

Goats - that's good advice, thank you:

"if you're able to, you can stay in contact and just work on your reactions to her: on how to not let her push your buttons, by accepting that she is the way she is, she won't change, and that it's not personal (it's not about you)."

This is what I need to do - work out how not to let her press my buttons. Usually I just completely ignore her. So if I'm chopping something up, for example, and she comes over and takes the knife off me and tells me to do it her way I just completely ignore her as if she hasn't spoken. Unfortunately this often seems to aggravate her as she has to work harder to get a reaction, so she will.

The constant need for adoration is draining, too, she's more childish than my children with her constant need for praise.

Last time she visited she left a message on the answerphone from the car saying they were half an hour away. I missed the message but when she arrived I said, oh is that message from you - she said yes, just telling you we were at X place. I had to play it for a couple of seconds before I could delete it. She was sitting there smiling away listening to her own voice on this message then was SO affronted I deleted it without listening to the whole thing. She'd just told me what she said! The idea that I wouldn't be delighted to listen to her voice.

chillysundays that sounds about right - I told my Mum I'd done a half marathon recently which was a big achievement for me. Reaction: "oh well of course when you were small I used to run a mile every other day".

Ok - one mile, 13 miles, not really the same. But yes, let's all adore you.

I know if I tried to withdraw I'd get screeching about keeping her GC away from her and would be painted as the bad guy

Ask yourself whether than matters, and if so, why?

You already know your mother has a distorted, unfair view of you that is is pretty much transactional-do what I want or I won't like you. What have you really got to lose by recalibrating the relationship and the contact you have with your parents to something that suits you better?

Grazing - yes, it is hard but you have some good advice on this thread. You just need to find your own ways of coping - everyone's different. For me, i was able to let go of my expectations and dreams of the mum i wanted her to be (mostly) and with that, lessen the jealousy of seeing other people have a close loving relationship with their mums. I was able to stop comparing all the time with what i had. But the pne thing that i couldn't do, even with counselling and years of trying, was to emotionally detach enough for her words and actions not to hurt me. I would try not to react but just couldn't. In the end, cutting contact was the only way i was able to protect myself. By not speaking to her, i could ensure i was not on the receiving end of her verbal abuse. By removing the one nasty, negative influence in my life, i have been able to replace it with more positive messages. Still a work in progress but i mostly like who i am now, without the constant put downs, and my life is one of joy and peace, instead of conflict, self-loathing and drama

You need to let go of any hope/dream still of ever having a normal mother-daughter relationship with her.

TBH if she is too difficult/toxic for you to deal with (and she will always find a way to manipulate you because she has trained you well) its the self same deal for your DCs. She won't behave the same to your children as she has done to you. the methodologies employed are different but equally damaging. They tend to over value or under value the relationship with the grandchildren. It is painful to watch a narcissist interact with the grandchild mainly because there is no interaction (they are used as narc supply). It is like watching a repeat of a tv show you've always hated.

Narcissists make for being deplorably bad grandparents; some grandparents really should not be allowed access to their grandchildren even though they expect a relationship with the grandchildren.

I would seriously consider limiting all contact between your parents and children and NEVER EVER leave them alone with either of them. It only takes a snide comment, a pinch or a look to cause damage and it could well happen right in front of your very eyes.

by the way, being feisty and gobby is probably a good thing.

The world needs more feisty gobby women, it'd be a better place.

I could write a book about cruel comments and the the lack of comments (new jobs etc). One comment seems like nothing but it's the build up over the years of such comments.

I have always made a point of not talking about anything in front of the children. A numbers of times they have mentioned that they feel that there is a favourite grandchild - seems that favourtism has continued into next generation.

One of my relatives apologised not long ago for getting caught up in the favourites bit when I was younger. That may sound like they had no back bone but I do understood why and wasn't until years later when other things happened that they realised how they had been sucked into it. We have a great relationship now so something good has come of it all.

I have now accepted that it doesn't matter what job I have or where I live (after reading other posts on here some would kill to live in my house, nice area etc, not renting) all I will receive is negative comments.

Having just gone NC with an engulfing narc mother (and Meerka is right, that term is bandied around too much, she may not actually have NPD but I'll use it here as it's the easiest way to explain how she behaves) the only way really is very reduced contact or no contact. There is no managing people like this, there is no way to win the game they are playing, the only way is not to play at all.
Many sympathies, it is utterly shit.