Help me stop feeling sorry for him

[Onmyownwith4kids]

Had loads of wise advice on here when husband had an affair and did the classic coming backwards and forwards between me and her. Eventually aided by great words of wisdom on here I started divorce proceedings. It's been hard. I've been coping pretty much on my own with the four children, but I've managed and getting through it all. Now the divorce is nearly complete he's pitiful. It's the worst mistake of his life, he misses me doesn't love her..I asked him if this is the case why is he living with her..His reply it's the only option he has since I kicked him out but it's nothing and he misses his family every day regreting what he's done. There is no going back the deceit was awful..I gave him a chance and he just carried on behind my back lying and saying the affair was over. Now I feel sorry for him and I think there's an element of thinking he might be the best I can do as nobody else is going to want me with four young children and I do find it lonely at times even though I have great friends. I know I should just avoid contact with him but I'm trying to get him to see more of the children and if I don't try and maintain some sort of friendship with him he makes this difficult..I feel like he's trying to turn me into the affair partner..Now he's got her she's not so appealing and he's saying all the things about her.."she's nothing, I'm miserable" that he probably said about me when they were plotting spending the rest of their lives together behind my back

The problem you have is loneliness and a side-order of low self-esteem. This makes 'the devil you know' seem like the better option, when it probably isn't. Please talk to your friends about the way you are feeling and do what you can to reduce the loneliness. Understand that it's him who has reduced your confidence in yourself by betraying you in the worst possible way. People with four children find partners all the time and, even if you didn't, no partner would be better than one who cheats and then tries to cheat on the OW... He's not your friend so don't feel you have to be friendly. He's also not much of a father if you have to 'try to get him to see more the children'. He should want to see them without you intervening.

Wouldn't it be dreadful if his new partner knew he was calling her 'nothing' and all the other horrible things?.... :)

Come on OP. You've done the hard part and got shot of the lying git. Don't cave now. You're better than that.

Exactly what cog just said! Exactly that.

(Cog you're a legend- spot on as usual)

He misses the children every day yet you have to keep him sweet so he will see them

Tell him to do one - I forgot to add.

It's interesting you use the word 'pitiful' to describe him. In your sentence he isn't in a 'pitiful state' ie touching, poignant, forlorn, he 'is pitiful' ie insignificant, derisory, negligible.

Don't look back you're not going that way

I sometimes feel guilted in to giving my ex a chance. I don't have feelings for him, but I still clearly care for him as we shared so much and have a dd together.

What you need to focus on is 'you'. It's you that deserves better. I always find myself thinking that it would be a new relationship, but truth is like previous pp have said lonliness plays a part. Just keep yourself busy. Have you tried OD? Once you've experienced how you can be treated, you'll look at things differently.

BTW we messaged each other when you found out, but I was under a different username then x

I second what has been said above, I also can't have any respect for him living with someone and speaking badly about them. I really think that, apart from all the rest of his behaviour, this shows he has no moral compass.

What I keep trying to remember is when he walked away without a backward glance he didn't care what impact he had. It's still all about him. He's not sorry for what he's done to his family. He's upset about what he's done to his life. It's just so upsetting that all this upset and a family torn apart, all the plotting of what a fantastic life they were going to have and ultimately

nobody is happy. Although if I'm honest life is so much easier without him. I've realised a lot of the issues he justified his affair with were him not me. Thanks for your responses it really helps .

What I found is like you said there's remorse for fucking up their life and 'losing' everything, but no remorse for how much pain they caused. I felt that me and my feelings weren't taken on board.

I think it's the latter which is very painful.

It's irony at it's best that we still care for these men

"It's still all about him"

Suggest you take a magic marker, write that phrase on a piece of paper, then stick it to the fridge door. It is the explanation for everything he ever does and ever will do. :)

I call these people 'Masters of the Me-Niverse'. Supremely selfish and arrogant. They don't care for others on a level beyond... 'what can they do for me?' How up themselves does someone have to be to think that after crushing someone into the dirt they can rock up, say 'she meant nothing to me babe, it's always been you...' (I paraphrase), and expect to be welcomed with open arms? It's bordering on delusional.

One day you'll realise you are truly happy with your new life. He'll always be a selfish twat.