I have never been able to make friends properly, and it's not getting better now that I'm a mum.

[Poycastle]

This has been on my mind for a while, but I keep trying to ignore it. But I don't think I can try to ignore it any more.

I was the painfully shy kid at school and only really have 2 people I can call a friend. As I've got older, it's been easier to pretend I'm not shy, and I try to hide it by watching how "popular" people behave and trying to emulate them, but it's all coming back to me now.

My twins are 6 weeks tomorrow and I hoped becoming a mum would help me with my shyness as there would be some focus taken away from me and on to the children. But every interaction I have just reminds me how socially awkward I am.

I am a Londoner originally and have moved to a small market town where everyone knows each other. When I walk around town with the double buggy naturally the twins get a lot of attention - "double trouble", "hands full," "so tiny," "are they identical" and so on. I always smile and acknowledge each comment which is probably literally every second person. When I was pregnant I thought it would be nice to have so many people interested in the babies, and obviously they mean well and I don't want to be ungrateful, but I'm not used to so much attention and I feel very awkward and embarrassed having to interact with people all the time. I spent my whole pregnancy feeling that this would be a turning point in my social life, and now I feel completely incapable.

For example, the health visitor tried to help by saying as I have moved to a new area I should go to the children's centre and meet other mums. But when I went I was so awkward and tongue tied I was even talking with DD's head held in front of me so I could try to get some attention off myself :( Even if people just ask me normal questions I end up mixing my words up, I can feel my hands shaking, I start dropping things or falling over in my clumsiness. I really want to be able to talk to people normally and enjoy socialising, but I just can't do it :(

I have discussed this with the GP when distressed and the conclusion was drawn that I don't have high functioning autism or an anxiety disorder - both were looked in to - but just that I am a very shy person. I have no idea why I am like this, my mum has loads of friends and is great at small talk and banter, the latter is the worst for me as I just don't know how to reply.

Does anyone else have any advice or are any of you like me, I would like to know I am not alone, and I do worry for my DC in the future in case they end up copying my behaviour, especially DD.

If it's just shyness (rather than ASD spectrum or anxiety) the only way to get better and feel more comfortable socialising is to keep doing it. The reason you feel awkward is because you're not used to it.

The more you do it, the less shy and self-conscious you will feel, the more you will relax and find it easier.

I would start with small steps and set yourself goals. Say, join one group & go every week until you start to feel less uncomfortable. It's fine to tell people that you're a shy person, they will understand.

You are not alone. I am extremely shy and avoid social events and groups/clubs/parties. I have been like this all my life [in my 60's now] despite trying so hard to be different. It's caused a lot of problems so I just stick to a few people I am close to.

Don't worry about your dc's though. My 2 are gregarious, sociable, popular and do team games, go out/go on holiday in groups, have lots of friends.... and it's nothing they got from me!

You have only had 6 weeks of attention though, so it is very early days and I'm sure in time you will develop good responses and the right words to say when your twins are admired. They will help you get into a new pattern and the 'fake it till you make it' attitude does work....people think I'm confident - I'm not.

Others will have better advice, I hope it helps to know your problem is shared by many of us.

Twins won't be making it easier (she writes as a twin Mum!) I found it a bloomin' nightmare trying to make friends at playgroups and the like because I just have my hands full. So my practical suggestions would be:

1. Look up local multiples clubs via Tamba or Twinsclubsuk. Go armed with a series of practical questions about things to do with twins as that will give you some readymade conversation topics. Maybe take your partner/relative so they can help do some of the baby dandling while you chat? Plus twin Mums tend to be a bit more forgiving if one of your is permanently screaming/when they're crawling they're off in different directions like large ants...

1. Agree with the 'fake it to make it' suggestion above. PRETEND you're a chatty person. You're in a play.

1. Finally, most people's favourite topic is themselves/their DCs. So have another pre-prepared list of questions about THEM. Your target will happily boom on about themselves and 20 mins later will come to the conclusion you're a lovely, fascinating person, without realising you've hardly opened your mouth!

Where are you OP? I'm a London escapee too if you're anywhere close and you can practise on me .

Hi everyone, this is really helpful!

I am in Suffolk, bishop. Am I near you at all? The reason I mentioned being from London is because I think it's much easier for shy people to hide there being anonymous, if you know what I mean.

I would like to think it's because I don't practise enough, but I have had loads of opportunities to try to change myself - university, travelling, different workplaces - and in all of them I'm exactly the same. Every place I've worked, I've always ended up sitting on my own listening to the others enjoying each other's company while I don't know what to say. Or if someone does talk to me I put them off me immediately by saying the wrong thing.

Another issue is I had a childhood illness that affected how I walk - it is not severe but it is noticeable from a certain angle. So often people ask me "have you hurt your leg?" and then I feel I have to explain it and get very embarrassed. I could never play any sport because of it or do anything like dancing classes and my co ordination is really terrible. The other thing that makes me uncomfortable is people often comment on what big eyes I have, or tell me I'm staring at them when often I'm just thinking my own thoughts and looking into middle distance. This makes me even more self conscious.

I don't have a partner and most of my family are dead or I see once a year. Unfortunately when I have to tell people this it causes more well meaning pitying comments "aww" "you brave girl" and yet again I don't know where to put myself.

It's really good to know I'm not alone. I think this is probably a bigger problem then people let on, because no one wants to admit they are shy and awkward.

It would be great to have some more tips of example things to say, such as the ones given by OldBagWantsNewBag (great name!) - sometimes in the panic I can't even formulate a sentence! I know I sound pathetic!

You are doing amazingly well op !
You've got 6 week twins and you're a lone parent with no family ?
You've done well just to get through the door of the children 's centre :)

Is there a multiple birth support group in your area? You might feel more able to chat with people going through the same thing as you? Or a single parent group ?

Thank you, amy!

I do have my mum, but I don't have any brothers and sisters (well, some much older half siblings from my dad but we don't talk..) or a big family that can all muck in, if you know what I mean. I've only got distant second cousins/aunts and so on.

I have been told about these groups, but I did so badly at the last one I think I need a break to recover :(

I don't really want to talk a lot about my situation being a lone parent in one of these groups. A lot of them are skewed towards discussing child maintenance, legal assistance, housing and so on, none of which apply to me. And I can't imagine discussing my relationship in a pre formed group :( The other thing is most people assume that my pregnancy was unplanned now that I'm single and because I'm in my late twenties. I lost count of the amount of people that asked me that. Some people have also expressed surprise that I have been to university and that I used to work. I've even been asked if they are mine and if I'm babysitting!

Thing is at the same time I hate being cooped up in the house so even if it is a bit of a mission to get out I prefer it, also DS is a very windy baby so the motion of the pram soothes him.

If I knew I would be able to cope at these groups I would love to go but I'm scared I will muck it up!

I know how you feel OP! My ds is 10 weeks and I made it to my first group this week and only because a friend was going. I HATE attention - hated people asking me about pregnancy when I was pregnant and I hate people asking me about ds now! I feel even more stupid because in my job I can go to places I've not been before and stand up and speak in front of people but walking into these playgroup things really scares me! So I'm trying to do one thing every day or two to try to get better at it!