how popular are you?

[onelittleduck]

wanting to put a worry of mine into perspective.

I'm not the life and soul type and don't wish to be either but as a single parent and even before I had DC I have struggled with loneliness. I expect I'm not alone in this but as far as friends go it is rare that they contact me to arrange a meet up, its always me who does the running and I do not have a big group of friends just individuals who I see from time to time.

I make myself go to playgroups, although have met nice people we only socialise with kids really.

I recently went away for around 5 days where I had no battery on my mobile, when I turned it back on I didn't have any messages and felt a bit gutted about it.

Facebook is a similar story, I rarely have messages on there and it seems that even if I bother to comment on something no one replies and if I post anything (which I only occasionally do - no one likes it!) I realise this must sound pathetic but for some reason its getting to me.

I don't think its that people don't like me, its just they are indifferent. I'm only 25 and a lot of people I know still lead active social lives, I am in nearly every weekend and fall asleep in front of the TV every night.

I've got absolutely no where with dating and people I have liked haven't reciprocated.

If I didn't contact anyone for months I'm sure I wouldn't hear from anyone. not even my own mum rings me, I have to ring her!

hmmm. I've not really thought about my level of popularity to be honest. I've moved around a lot, so it's probably not high up on the ladder. Do you have any close friends that you know you could turn to if the shit hit the fan (and who feel the same way about you?). I think that's all you really need to be honest. It's better to have a few close friends than lots of people who are fair weather.

I wouldn't worry too much about facebook - it's a bit strange in so much as the main people who like my comments are people who I literally have not spoken to in YYEEAARRSSS - we just keep vaguely up to date through reading each other's posts.

I think though, that the paragraph where you describe your weekends probably explains why you don't feel like you are that important to others. If you spend your time at home, alone, then you aren't mixing with anyone. I don't know how feasible it is with your children, but you really need to join some sort of club, or an activity. I wouldn't recommend play groups to be honest - I think people go there for their children to socialise, not necessarily themselves. But if you were to join some sort of running club for example, then you would see the same sort of people regularly, have something to talk about at the beginning, and then slowly progress friendships from there.

The only time I have seen people go from no social life at all, to very active social life (and I have seen it happen), is when they have joined clubs.

It's okay to feel a bit down about it, but if you want things to change, then you need to be the catalyst for it :)

It sounds tough, especially as you are still young, but I doubt it's anything personal. If it helps at all - I am similar and do wonder how some people have people hanging on their every word...

I am lucky in that I have a couple of very dear friends although only one lives close enough to see regularly. Perhaps focus on the one or two people who give a shit and don't worry about the rest.

Not sure if that's any help but didn't want your thread to go unanswered

I'm the same, went on holiday for a week and came home and my only text was from my dentist :( sucks!!

I have probably 3 good friends in the UK (and one is my cousin so doesn't really count) and 2 kindred spirits in other countries, people I don't see much but have this connection with I can tell anything to. The people I talk to most are my husband and my mum. Don't talk to my sister much.

Don't have Facebook anymore as I never got any notifications and all my 'friends' were just old schoolmates or colleagues who I never really spoke to much anyway. And it all seemed so false and my newsfeed was just fu of links so I deleted it.

I'm same as you, 24 nearly 25.

I think maybe for me it's because I didn't go to uni so didn't hev that opportunity to make friends. Now I live in London which is a very busy place where it's hard to connect with people. So! I still have faith id be a popular and well-liked person if only I could turn acquaintances and strangers into friends. No idea how to do that!

Not at all popular: I realised last week that I've not had a single nomination for Ice Bucket Challenge. My text message and email situation is the same as yours, too.

I'm involved in a lot of social activities and keep myself busy, though. As kaykayblue above said, I think joining groups and just throwing yourself into things is one of the most effective ways to improve your social life. You also have to do a bit of "faking it until you make it" - pretend to be outgoing and confident and eventually, it'll come naturally. Emulate confident people: if a group of folk from your playgroup or a hobby are talking about going for a coffee, don't wait around to be invited and feel down when the invitation doesn't come, speak up for yourself and ask if you can tag along. Be upfront with people - "I don't know many people round these parts, mind if I join you all?" You'll find that in the vast majority of cases, people won't mind at all.

Go and read this thread, and then join the group on Facebook. It was set up just for this reason. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2105437-To-have-just-realised-that-I-have-no-friends?

thanks both of you for replying. I would love to join a club but unfortunately I don't live near family so can only manage to get a babysitter now and then. If I do manage to go out without it involves planning and asking of favours weeks inadvance. Know this must sound like a cop out but if I could get to a club I would but don't know anyone who could babysit every week.

Sometimes the thought of that scares me a little as I think oh well I''ll have to wait until DC are older then they won't need babysitter, by which time I've missed out on life and meeting someone!

Focusing on good friends sounds sensible though, I do have one friend I can rely on but even then we only catch up every few weeks. She often socialises with other couples and I don't get invited along...

Agree facebook is silly. I do wonder though, some people post on there all the time and get so many comments!! There is one bloke I have on there actually where whatever he posts results in gushings of love from his hundreds of fans! It really winds me up!

Yeah I spent hours looking at popular people on Facebook, and checked it like 10x a day even though nothing on there ever happened. Had to delete it as couldn't stop checking ha!

It was refreshing to not even know what Ice Bucket Challenge was until the other day.

FB made me feel even worse about the friends situation so I'm glad I'm off it :)

I mean because for me personally I stopped moping about on Facebook and actually made more of an effort in real life to chat to people.

Bree- the dentist! oh no I feel for you :( . I have deleted my fb account about 3 times but ended up having to reactivate as a social group (child orientated of course) arrange meet ups on there. I did feel better without it too though, why is it so addictive, its so strange?

poirot- just had a look at thread, thanks for link, lots of people in similar boat, quite upsetting really. Is it just the modern age/social media that has created this great pressure to be connected and popular? I wonder if back in th day only one or two friends was normal. Still, not nice feeling so isolated...

i would describe myself as a "billy no mates" but i dont feel lonely very often as i work with alot of bubbly younger people who do invite me out but i am a bit lazy about socializing.I only feel lonely when Dh ignores me really.Dont worry about it,life is not a competion about how many friends you have or how much money you earn.I told myself i would make a real effort to make friends now my kids dont need me too much and here we are 2014 slipping by and i met one girl for a drink this year ha ha.

I make friends very easily as I'm a natural leader, but unfortunately I get used quite a lot and struggle to get rid of people who hurt me. People who use me for sympathy or a shoulder to cry on, or for a confidence boost, I don't mind - sometimes I feel like that's just the role I play in my friendship group - but a few people have used me for attention and drama - making friends with me, trying to become part of the friendship group, and then trying to turn people against me, and using me to create drama for themselves - accusing me of all sorts. I nearly got kicked out of college because a girl made friends with all my friends, then accused me of bullying her on Facebook. It took a long time for people to believe me.

I think it's a 'grass is always greener' situation; sometimes I do wonder if I'd be happier with fewer friends.

I get loads of activity on FB and Twitter, lots of messages...It means nothing. Honestly. I haven't really made any close friends in a long time, don't really have time to socialise with the ones I do have (just about fit my family in) and they've moved on anyway (to friends that actually have time for them) so we see each other maybe once a year. Sad but true.

My point is, don't sweat the FB/Social Media type stuff - it's not a good indicator of anything, IME.

OP I could have written your post apart from the fact my sons are grown now. I put up a similar post last week.....I can approach people and do the running and they are fine with me, I don't feel not liked but they won't contact me.

I'm not a person for groups or clubs, I find them cliquey and due to bullying in the family I do not feel comfortable. I'm a one to one person and enjoy that. I have only 3 friends really and that's just about enough but I have sons to visit too. I often don't get a text for a fortnight though.

I agree with everyone who has said facebook makes us feel worse and a couple of good friends is fine. I appreciate how difficult babysitting is for you and how it feels to be isolated. Have you thought about an online penfriend, getting involved in activities your dc do [football club, brownies, can you help at the school with reading etc.... things like that]?

If your dc's are too young don't worry, it will get better. Why don't you invite one of the playgroup mums to your place for a cuppa, send out invites for your dc's birthday, arrange a charity coffee morning, a Halloween party, fireworks party etc.....invite someone over for an evening/a video and glass of wine....if they have a dh to babysit?

I have a couple of friends who 'get' me and I know I can count on (and vice versa). I'm not a fb friend collector. A lot of what I see on fb is all bravado (even some of what I post!) Underneath it all, their life is no better/worse than mine.
I know who I can call late at night to come cry with me when my husband left me.....it's those friends that matter and I wouldn't trade that for a truck full of acquaintances.
It takes years imho to build a true friendship.

"Facebook is a similar story, I rarely have messages on there and it seems that even if I bother to comment on something no one replies and if I post anything (which I only occasionally do - no one likes it!)"

When I was on Facebook in the Superpoke days (is that still on there?), I found that generally nothing really happens, so after you've slapped all your friends with a fish and browsed everyone's photos (and downloaded the candid ones) there's really nothing more to do. I've never much wanted a bunch of arse kissers 'liking' everything I do in my life.

"I am in nearly every weekend and fall asleep in front of the TV every night. "

I can understand how you feel at 25 years old, but this is my idea of heaven to me now that I'm pushing 40.

thanks to everyone for your replies. i can relate to a lot of what you're saying.
moomin - I'd not thought about it from the 'popular' person's perspective, you're right, could be a case of the grass being greener.

cafesociety - i do invite people from playgroup over.and try to get involved with kids activities as much as possible but so far the parents ive met do not share much in common beyond kids. i think it could be becsuse i am a single parent with no support , although i do have my one good friend , it seems like an eternity until i have adult convo as i dont have family or a partner to chat to inbetween iyswim?
my dd is in nursery.now so i could prob make some time to.find a daytime activity to join (could be full.of pensioners though!)

mademan - lol most of the time i agree with.you, staying in isnt so bad! however i AM 25 and feel i should be doing.more, not drinking etc but things like the cinema (to see a grown up film for once!!)

it does get me down
, people from know im on my own, why dont they think 'oh perhaps she'd like to come along?!'

I think maintaining friendships takes a lot of effort, texting, calling, making arrangements in advance.

Some days I will send maybe five or six texts to people I haven't seen recently, just to catch up. They usually respond of course. Maybe I would not hear from them for ages if I didn't contact them first, I don't know.

I understand about the babysitter thing as I am in the same position and it costs me a fortune to go out. However I think it is worth the effort and expense otherwise I would be stuck in night after night. If you get an invitation, make sure you go even if it's not really your thing.

I'm in the same boat as you OP but I found in the odd circumstances that my social life has improved, I'm usually cursing them and wanting to be back home again! I think I'm a hermit, so I should just be happy with it haha :)

Heyonelittleduck pensioners can make good friends. They can listen and babysit.
I babysit (for nothing ) a couple of young things who have no family close by.
I am a pensioner with several friends who are 30 years younger than me. I have money and time to indulge them and their children and listen to their woes, so please don't disparage us.
I know you need friends of your own age as well.
Any energetic activity during the day, such as Zumba will contain a lot of young Mums.
You might just be going through a lean patch at the moment and tomorrow a real soul mate could turn up. So Don't despair!

holeinmyheart - sorry didn't mean to cause offence with the pensioner comment. A good friend of mine is 60 however when there is a large age gap between friends it may be hard to relate to one another at times. But you're right, I shouldn't disparage older people!