I feel like an unnatural mother and I hate myself

[BisleyBoy]

Hi, I thought I'd post in here as opposed to the parenting section as i thought if get more replies/input.
I'm married with 2 DDs aged 6 and 7.
Over the last few days I've started to feel the most unnatural feelings towards them and I really hate myself for it. I've started to feel like I don't like them and I do t want to be around them. I can't stand it when they touch me and I just want to get away from them. I know it's got nothing to do with them. There is nothing wrong with them. They have their moments like all children, but they're good kids and don't deserve the feelings I'm having towards them. I know it's me and my problem
Fwiw I suffered abuse as a child and am now severely depressed as an adult. Things started going very badly for me around the age my girls are now and I wonder if that has anything to do with the way I'm feeling recently. I have also recently found out I'm pregnant again which is messing with my head even more.

I just wanted to know if anyone wales has ever felt this way and if it passed. I'm desperate for this feeling to go away and to go back to feeling like I used to about them.

Do you have a community psychiatric nurse? She/he would be a very good person to call now.

Otherwise, please, please call your doctor's surgery and tell them you need an urgent appointment.

I'm very worried about you and your children. Do you have a partner? If so, have you spoken to him about your feelings?

Sorry, just re-read and seen you are married.

How pregnant are you OP? Do you have a midwife? I think an urgent appointment with her might be the best way to access help you need.

Oh love, it could be the hormones, the abuse or something else, but you do need to talk to someone, do you think you can?

"I suffered abuse as a child and am now severely depressed as an adult. Things started going very badly for me around the age my girls are now and I wonder if that has anything to do with the way I'm feeling recently."

Yes. Absolutely. My sister went through a period of terrible sadness when her daughter reached the same age as she was when very difficult things happened to her. I pointed this out to her and I think it helped.

You very badly need someone to talk to about your feelings. You know it's not your children directly causing you to feel this way, so that's a huge start. I suspect you feel like you don't want to be around them because you don't want to cause them the kind of hurt you suffered. This is very understandable and indicates you have compassion for them, which I am certain you do.

No I don't have a psychiatric nurse. I have started seeing a counsellor and, after feeling very suicidal a few weeks ago, I went to see my gp who referred me to the mental health team.
I am only about 5-6 weeks pregnant. I am having a ToP as I know that is the right thing for me. Dh is supportive of this decision. I have told him how I feel about the kids. He was horrified. Who can blame him? He says we need to find a way through it as he's convinced it's because of my state of mind and not how I actually feel.

Sorry, what's a ToP?

Are you ADs? Maybe the pg is interfering with them in some way?

Sorry, it's a termination of pregnancy.
Yes I'm on ADs. I've only been on them a few weeks though.
Thank you for the kind messages....I was afraid if be judged very harshly for saying what I have said.

Don't be too hard on yourself. I have got no doubt in my mind that what happened to you as a child has affected how you process your thoughts and feelings towards your own children.

Unfortunately being abused imprints things upon us that can be rather unpleasant to deal with. The important thing here is that you do not let your emotions affect your behaviour towards your children. Because as you know you were once that child on the receiving end of unpleasantness.

The other important thing is that you find a counsellor who specialises in abuse. They will be able to help you work through your thoughts and change your perspective on the whole situation.

Also your hormones could well be a part of the unpleasantness as could anti depressants if your taking those.

Good luck and well done for having the strength to post here.

No one's judging you, it sounds very tough.

Glad you've spoken to your husband, that can't have been easy.

I hope you get the help you need, you know there's something wrong and are sorting it out, be kind to yourself x

My mother was very neglectful and my childhood is filled with memories of being cold, hungry and dirty as she rarely, if ever, made us food or washed us. She preferred to lounge around in bed and fawn over whichever man was in her life at that time.
Then when I was 6/7 she met the man that would go on to sexually abuse me for several years. It didn't actually start until I was 10/11 but I'm starting to think that because my girls are at the age I was when he came into my life, that that is why I'm feeling this way now.

When they touch me, I kind of go all stiff and uncomfortable the way I did when my abuser touched me. It makes me feel dirty when they touch me, and that's ridiculous because they're little girls not middle-aged perverted men.

I'm sorry you had such a terrible childhood.

I can empathise a little because my childhood was awful too for various reasons and I have two dc and when my eldest reached the "milestone" ages of things going wrong for me I struggled a great deal.

I agree with the advice upthread but also wanted to mention that antenatal depression is very real and even though you are in the early stages please don't underestimate how awful pregnancy hormones can make you feel. I suffered horrendously through my second pregnancy, even telling dh he could have the kids because I was leaving and wanted nothing to do with anyone....!

No one should judge you for your decisions regarding the pregnancy. I hope things improve for you soon, please reach out for all the help you can.

Thank you everyone for being so kind and supportive. It really means a lot
No-one has made me feel bad regarding my decision to terminate and, maybe this sounds callous, but I don't feel bad about it either. I don't feel I have the emotional resources to care for a baby and that it would be wrong to bring it into the world in this situation. I feel lucky that at least I'm certain in my decision.
I had an assessment with my mental health team a couple of weeks ago and they have referred me for long-term psychotherapy. The lady doing the assessment said they usually only refer people for that if they have personality disorders. I don't have one but she said my depression was bad enough for them to ignore that rule. When that referral comes through I can stop seeing the private counsellor I'm seeing now and have the nhs psychotherapy.
I've also contacted rape crisis to see if that can help in any way. Does anyone know if they're any good?

I'm so sorry for the pain that you went through and the continuing influence it's having on you.

You need to get in touch with your GP very quickly. Don't hide anything or soften it, speak what is on your mind. They can't even begin to access help unless they know what's going on. I think you're right, it's directly connected to the abuse. Know someone else exactly the same thing happened to them with their child.

It's a very good good thing you've spoken to your husband. That's a great first step. He knows about the abuse I assume? I would keep talking to him, that in itself is the beginning of handling it from what I gather.

ADs usually take time to work, so give it a bit longer, but do bring them up with the doctor.

Good luck The good thing is that you're trying hard to do something abut this situation before it gets out of hand. That's the first big step.

I'm sorry you also had an awful childhood, fairylea

Thank you meerka.
Yes dh knows everything. He actually pointed something out to me a week or two ago....after telling him some new stuff about the abuse he said he thinks my mother knew the abuse was going on, or may have even kind of encouraged it in a way. That makes me feel sick to my stomach.

Hi,
I know the feeling you're describing. When I was sitting on the sofa with my children either side, if they cuddled or touched me I would freeze and a sense of doom overcame me. I wanted to run away or strike out in anger (not at them). I had to leave the situation and go into another room. I too explored this with my counsellor and realised it was because of past abuse- which I know occurred but can't remember in detail, just the feelings iyswim, I think I was very young.
Eventually I learned to say to my children 'please don't touch me now as I'm feeling too sensitive' they seemed to understand this at their young age. I stayed sitting with them and the feeling would pass. I rarely feel this way now, I think because I identified why, or maybe because my children are a bit older.
You are not alone and you will get through this.

Please please make an appointment with your GP who will advise you best on the next steps. I think you are very, very brave for admitting how you feel and also for telling your DP which cannot have been easy for you. Hopefully your GP will give you the support and help you need in order to deal with these emotions.

For what its worth, even though you have decided to terminate your pregnancy you may also be suffering from Antenatal Depression due to your hormone production. So you may feel better after the termination, but in the meantime please seek help now. Ring your GP's receptionist and explain that you need to see your GP urgently.

Thank you bookworm, it's good to hear you got through it. I hope I can too, because if I can't I don't know what I'll do. Part of me thinks that then I'll have to leave the family as I don't want the kids to suffer with a mum who thinks this way.
I've also noticed that I feel the same about other children too....even ones I see on the street. They make me feel uncomfortable and dirty. I've never had these feelings before and they scare me

Thanks halestone, I sincerely hope I will feel better after the termination. As heartless as it sounds I just want it to be over and done with.