I am in crisis.
I am pushing my DH away more and more everyday.
We have been together 20 years, in the first 15 we did everything together, and I mean everything. About 4/5 years ago he left his employment, to start his own business.
Its steadily gone down hill from there.
I was left on my own 7 days a week, for about 9 months, with the 4 DC. Then I had a melt down, said I couldn't cope, wanted him here more, explained that I thought I'd been patient enough, the business was well under way, pretty secure with plenty of business going forward for months.
DH at first resisted, saying he wanted me to get out and about more, go out for days out with the DC, learn to drive, etc. I pointed out that this was to ease his own situation so he could go to work thinking I was happy to go out and about with the DC on my own. I wasn't happy with this, I am an introvert, I don't mix well and have trouble making friends and after 15 years of a close relationship, I'm being told to go out on days out, shopping, visiting relatives on my own, because it suits him!
After a couple of months he agreed to limit his weekend work unless an emergency, it stayed like that for a couple of months, then the weekend work started back on, but overall I have to be honest and say he's pretty much stuck to his agreement with me.
But the sticking point over the last couple of years has been his long hours still, I have caught him out lying to me about having a drink after work - when I thought he was working he was in the pub, this has happened at least 6 times, the last time, I threatened to leave if he didn't stop lying and again after a few days of arguments and talks, he agreed to stop the drinking after work and come home.
Now it wasn't just the fact he was going to the pub after work it was the fact of lying, It made me wonder what else he's lied about, how many times he's done things that I don't know about - the stupid little faithful woman at home looking after the DC, cooking, cleaning, etc while he's stood having a laugh and joke at the pub doing god knows what without a thought about me at all.
But all this lying has left me feeling so low and with no self confidence at all. I'm old and I look it.
I am constantly thinking about whether he was doing anything when he was out, whether he's cheated on me - I just can't get past it.
I hate my body, so our sex life is at an all time low, other people say I look great after 4 DC, I do look ok with clothes on, it hides a multitude of sins, but no one sees the disgusting stomach I have left after 4DC.
I don't know what I want, I suppose some help in building self confidence, tips on how to get past the lying and the thoughts of what else may or may not have happened.
He has mentioned going out after work for various peoples birthdays, etc. But I throw a fit I know I do, I feel awful after, but I can't seem to help myself, I start panicking and I start to feel resentful, why should he go and do nice things if I can't - but its not his fault I can't I don't have any friends to go out with!
I work from home now whilst looking after the children, so no opportunity to make friends at work, although I probably wouldn't anyway even if I worked. We have no family to help with babysitting so no leisure activities can be done, I can't even rely on my DH to be able to do something on an evening as he's working late most nights.