Oh God it felt so damn GOOD.....

[startinoveronmyway]

So I've been reading a lot on this board because surprise, surprise....my STBXH gave me the old 'I don't love you anymore' script.

I moving along slowly, taking each day's emotional rollercoaster one lurch at a time. Today I read a thread that talked about the dating site OkCupid. It got me thinking what men are out there these days as I've been nearly a decade out of the dating scene (and that was in another country!).

So I set up my profile and set my matches to within a few miles of where I am and bingo! guess who comes back as a 86% match?? You got it......my STBXH. Shocked, but not really as I knew he was all to eager to crawl up another twat.

So, here's the naughty bit..... I had a read of his profile, and he mentioned that 'we separated mutually a while ago'. Really? 'Cause I thought you abandoned me and your children a few weeks ago.....my bad.

So, here's another naughty bit.....I messaged him, 'mutally separated'? ha! Good luck!'

Cue a polite response full of 'I only want you to be happy and you never were with me, and good luck and when we each find someone, lets make sure to meet them before the kids do...etc'

My response (the naughtiest bit of all):

'You'll always be a frog. And a piece of me will always hate you for what you put me through. You are a coward. You are a parasite that uses women to get your 'fix' and when you use up every last ounce of what you want, you throw them away and on to the next one. You are pathetic. You were an absolutely crap husband. A crap lover and most of the time a crap dad too because you are so self absorbed and selfish. I hate you. I may not always, but you are lower than the dog shit stuck in the treads of my shoes.'

It was the first time he has ever heard me (well, read about) how I feel about him now. Up until now, it's all be NC except for financial matters and co-parenting.

It felt so goooooooood.

"I knew he was all to eager to crawl up another twat"

Eeeuuuu

What 1scoop said

Also why is it ok for you to be on dating sites but not him?

I lost the thread after, "and he said we were mutually separated".

When you say you messaged him, did you message him via the site and does he now know its you? or did you message him via some other device with the "mutually separated" bit so he is now confused how you know.

Either way he must have been shocked to have been rumbled.

I went on the site without knowing or looking for him. When he came up as a match with his profile pic, I had a nose at his profile description, hence him describing us as mutually separated a while ago (lie).
I messaged him via the site and yes it rumbled him as he then removed his profile. Not that I would have done anything else. Don't get me wrong, it hurt to see his profile on there he wrote just 2 days after he left me. But I was on there myself to see what the big bad scary world of dating and men are these days. I am moving forward, slowly.
I enjoyed telling him how I felt about him (a tiny bit of closure for me?). He would never hear what I wanted to say (would literally just walk away) and he would hold any emails as evidence. This was my one and only opportunity to give him a piece of my mind.

Living well is the best revenge ;)

Much clearer now. I'll say it was 'divine intervention' on his part, to hear what every man like him must hear.

That is my mantra, believe it or not..... but I got my ONE shot to tell him what a slime ball he is. It's early days for me and I am learning. ;)

What 1scoop said. You sound unpleasant.

ummmm... well I think his response was better than yours if I am honest.

Oh, I know I did the naughty bit...... I wanted to hurt him, and that is wrong. That made me lower than him. In the heat of the moment though, I just wanted to be heard . Even just a pathetic paragraph of evil bile thrown in his direction. Bitter, me?

Not my best moment, it was a one off. I have been otherwise as polite and cooperative as him in every other respect.

Thing is, whilst bitterness is understandable, it doesn't look good written down. So if you were hoping for 'You go girl!' type responses you might not get them.

You have dealt with lots of pain. You have been treated badly. You told him some home truths- good for you.

I understand the need to want to get your feelings across but I think it's a bad idea to start OD if you are still feeling bitter.

I have no feelings towards my STBXH and I waited until that time before I began dating as I didn't feel otherwise that it was fair on me or my dates.

I wish you peace of mind for the future.

You're obviously very angry with him. Those are your feelings, and they're valid.

But I'll echo other posters: your message sounds abusive and unpleasant. It may reflect exactly how you feel, but you mention he "would hold my emails as evidence". He'll also be able to hold a copy of your dating profile and this exchange to the same end: in this case, you initiated contact, and then responded to what, by your own admission, was a polite reply with your message, not just denigrating, but insulting him (lower than dogshit).

You have DCs. If this is going to be an acrimonious split, maybe think about how that acrimony is going to effect them. And if you're worried about a future court-case, perhaps think about how those sort of messages would read.

I'm glad it gave you some closure and it felt good. But don't let sending abusive messages to your STBXH the only thing that's making you feel good atm.

Well done you OP.

I know....it was literally a one off. It has only ever been polite and business like since he left. I would never allow the children to know how I really feel about him right now (and I do admit, I don't want to feel this way anymore, it only hurts ME more and I need to let it go).

It was a horrible nasty message meant to hurt him only a small fraction of how he's hurt me. In our marriage, I was never allowed to own my feelings, to express them. By the end, I was like a person on permanent tranquilizers. I couldn't so much as raise my voice or give him a 'look' without it being an 'argument'. I tread on eggshells and wasn't 'allowed' to feel hurt, or to tell him how he was hurting me, would always literally run away.

This was completely out of character for me and while in the moment, it felt good, it has done nothing to make me feel better about the hurt in me. Because I don't think he cares either way what I think of him as he has moved on.

And no, I am definitely not ready for OD. It made me feel sick looking at the profiles of my matches, tbh. In my head and heart, I still feel the bond of marriage, and that I know, I need to sever well and truly.

I say go girl. You had a few things to get off your chest and that's just what you did!

I don't think it's wrong. It seems like you found it quite therapeutic

Sometimes it's just good to get it off your chest and let them know a tiny bit of how they have made you feel.
I'm glad it felt good.
Sorry you were with such a shit.

Well I vicariously enjoyed that, OP! But these characters relish hearing just how much they've hurt you; it's all lovely ego kibbles to them.

I doubt very much whether he "heard" that any better than anything said previously.

Game playing doesn't cover anyone in glory, I am afraid.