Advice please, male in an EA relationship

[Ridiculousknickerson]

Hi

I don't know what to do. A man in my family is suffering in a loveless emotionally abusive marriage. He is not young. They have been married quite a while, both on their second marriage. Can't give too much away. Have always known she was unpleasant, very insincere needy person. Now have proof she is extremely controlling and plain nasty. She has deliberately neglected his care when he was ill resulting in several hospital readmissions. She won't let him see family or friends or have hobbies, although she has plenty. She deliberately keeps him away from family events. She tells him he has no friends and no one cares about him.

He is desperately unhappy. He will be homeless if they divorce as she will take half of his home, he won't be able to buy her out.

What to do?

He won't be homeless, he'll just be renting rather than owning. And that's far, far better than living with someone who is abusive.

Can't think what to say, other than the obvious. He needs to leave - then he can start rebuilding his relationships with family and friends etc.

Do they have dcs at home? This is where it can get very hard for men, not wanting to leave dcs with a mother who is not necessarily great.

I'm sure people who are suffering abuse and have a disability can go straight to the top of the housing list. A quick call to the local council will confirm this.

Does he want to leave? Have you asked?

I'm afraid that the only person who can really help him is him. Are there children though?

You can be there for him. Would it be possible for him to stay with you if he leaves, even for a short time? if it is, you could say that to him. Not sort of emphasising it, but just saying that if the point comes he wants to leave day or night, you'll have a spare room for him.

Being homeless would be horrible. But it would be the start of freedom for him. there's chances to build a new life when he's on his own, a good life. There's none if he stays in an invisible prison with this woman.

But I'm afraid you have to wait until he is ready to see what's going on and ready to leave for himself.

I think the first thing you do is get in touch with him and keep the communications open. If he's with someone that is deliberately isolating him from friends and family you may have to be persistent - even intrusive - and try various methods but it's important for him to know that he has friends who care, and it's also important that she knows people are watching.

Would you class this person as a vulnerable adult? You say they are not young and that they have on-going health problems. Social Services would be interested if this person is elderly or infirm.

Other than that, you have to wait for them to ask you specifically for help. That's why it's important to stay in touch

No dc luckily. He can come here anytime but I think he's scared if he leaves he'll never get his house back (it was his before he met her). I've given him the helpline numbers for domestic abuse support.

He wants to leave but I think she's made him feel like he has no friends and will be nothing without her. Trying to persuade him otherwise. It's very hard to get him on his own to talk, she checks his email and phone and he doesn't really go out without her. :(

Would it help him to speak to a solicitor about the house? I'm not sure it's a given that she'll get it. You could potentially do a bit of ringing around to try to set up a free 30-min consultation for him. Knowledge is power.

It's going to be hard to persuade him that people care about him if she's constantly pouring poison in his ear. Any chance of prising him from her claws for a few days? Claiming you need him for a couple of days? I don't know, claiming you need his help with DIY or something?

Keep trying to get him on his own for a chat. What he needs more than helpline numbers is friendship, confidence, moral support and a listening ear. Sometimes you can't make a bird leave a cage, you can only prop the door open and hope they get the message....

How old is he?

Well if they're married then that house is going to be hers by some margin. Tis a silly reason to stay though.

I understand emotional attachments can be made to bricks and mortar but could he not afford another place, smaller perhaps.

Some things in life just aren't worth it and this is the case here IMO.

Why wouldn't the minimum expectation be to split the house 50/50?

Perhaps if it was sold he'd have enough equity to buy a smaller place? I get he might not want to sell, but it might be the best way to get rid of her and start afresh.

Can you help / encourage him to get legal advice - offer to go with him to an initial solicitors appt for eg?