Can I start by saying I have a really great relationship with my DP on most levels and almost can't believe I am thinking of LTB. The relationship, these things aside, is great.
And yet....I am thinking I should LTB.
Please let me know what you all think.
He is 41 and was married before me to someone for 18 years before me. They have one child together but the marriage / divorce was very messy. She had a long term affair with a co-worker and they lived (both aware of this openly) for years in order to avoid divorce for the sake of their daughter.
I am 37 and have never been married but have had lots of LTRs. I have one child from a previous LTR but the Dad is not involved and never has been.
I knew DP from school, and we met up at a school reunion in 2010 and he explained his marital situation and we started seeing each other. For the first year this was “long distance” because I lived abroad with my job.
After a year, we decided we wanted to live together and because of his daughter it was down to me to move, so I did, but it was not to an area of the country where I knew anyone. Before I came over he told me he wanted to get married, he wanted to have another baby with me, that we would make a new life together etc.
He went to his wife, asked for the divorce, she was happy about it and moved in with her co-worker immediately. He rented a house about an hour away from where he lived with his wife – so far away enough to start a new life with me but close enough to his daughter.
So I moved over with my son. At that time our kids were 5 (his) and 7 (mine).
We agreed that the first six months we would have separate places, and we did do that to slowly integrate our children and make sure things were “right” before moving in. After that we rented a house together and as a foursome we get on like a house on fire. Hunky Dory.
My problem is that a few things are seriously worrying me. To try and make this short I will put them into a list.
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He continued for the first six months I lived here to go every Wednesday for dinner with his daughter and ex wife. He said this was “tradition” and was for his daughter, but I thought it was a bit weird. He only stopped doing it when his ex wife said it was weird.
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He left his Facebook status as “married” for about a year after I moved over and when I complained about it, he changed his privacy settings so I could not see it because he thought changing it would offend his ex wife. Even thought they both lived with other people!
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Although he had lived in the area for many years, he has never (perhaps only a handful of times) invited his friends around to our house so i could get to know people –even though he and his wife lived separate lives and the friends are not “mutual” ones.
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He keeps his sports clubs (squash and golf) back in the place he USED to live, so goes back there every week twice or more for that. I suggested he join new ones where we live so I could meet people / integrate with the community and he won’t discuss it.
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He does a social activity back in his old town once a week WITH his ex wife, and although he told me this was temporary he STILL does it now. Even his ex wife finds this uncomfortable and has asked me why I “allow it”. I did ask him to stop and he got tears in his eyes and said this particular activity gave him a lot of fulfilment and he did not want to lose it.
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He has made NO social life or friends with ME or that includes me at all, and because I have DC I can rarely attend things as his partner. The only social life we have is from old school friends or MY friends who travel over for weekends occasionally.
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For the first year or so I was here he sort of hid me away, because he came from a very small village and did not want to tread on his ex wife’s toes.
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He sucks up significantly to his ex wife’s family, and treats her parents better than he treats mine.
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He just proposed to me a few weeks ago, and although he changed his status to engaged (or I did and he accepted) he has not made his Facebook status into anything gushing or even mentioning it and yet in private he is gushing to anyone who will listen – I feel like this is all about HER.
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He won’t buy a home with me because he is still on ex wife’s mortgage paperwork and he uses his daughters security as the reason, even though his ex wifes new DP could easily replace him on the mortgage.
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He changed his mind about wanting a baby and the reasons he gave was wanting me all to himself, but I really want a baby and this was what we agreed when we met.
I love DP a lot, and we are happy as two people can be when we are together and these issues are put aside. He is very attentive and tells everyone he is crazy about me, that he is so glad to be out of his dead marriage – but his actions speak differently.
His relationship with the ex is weird. He is sort of subservient to her. She treats him like a child and acts with disdain / like she wants him to go away. She is NOT physically attractive so I am quite sure he doesn't fancy her or anything. But he does put me second ALL the time.
I feel increasingly like I gave up a fulfilling and full life to make a new one with him, but he has NOT given up his old one and I am alone in this one fending for myself. I’ve struggled to make friends because he is always out and I am alone with DC and I’ve started to develop panic attacks which I never had before.
Please don’t tell me to talk to him, because I have repeatedly and endlessly raised all these issues and his response is always to use his daughter to emotionally blackmail me “I have to keep things amicable with the ex for my daughters sake honey, I love you, please be patient”.
I just don't think this is ever going to change and now my mental well being is affected I feel like I need to take action.
Do I need to bite the bullet and LTB?
Ultimatums etc. are useless. H says he will change stuff and never does. If I am going to go, I need to just do it otherwise he will talk me round with his sweet words and then he will sob and cry and beg and I'm too soft and always back down.