Mum has text me - havent spoken in years

[SeaSaltMill]

Hi all.

I recently asked advice about telling my mother I am pregnant, while we are NC, and you were all helpful. I left it to my brother to tell her and she sent me a text to say congratulations which I ignored.

This was about a month ago, I received a text from her this morning asking to meet up and 'get over this barrier between us' She misses her daughter apparently and thinks of me every day. She ends the message with 'look after yourself and your baby'.

I think its guilt, though I know she will never admit to being wrong. And I also cant help feeling that she is only bothered now because I am pregnant. She has pretty much completely ignored me for well over a year after I went NC with her. There were a few texts in the beginning telling me I have a vivid imagination and must be very angry to have cut her off, amongst other things, but then nothing since my first miscarriage early last year where I suppose I reached out to her in telling her what was happening and got nothing back.

I cant help feeling an obligation to respond (social pressure maybe?) but I don't want to meet up and get over anything. She is the one who caused this and she just doesn't see it. She thinks its all me. I don't need this stress, I'm pregnant, finally, after 3 mc and am already anxious. She makes me feel panicked.

DH has said its out of the blue and she obviously feels guilty for not being the mother she should have been, especially now I am having a baby myself and she is no longer part of my life. Which I agree with. My issue is knowing what to do now. Just ignore and carry on? Is she likely to keep pushing? ARGH

I don't really know what I want from this post. Just to vent I suppose. I know that its best for me to not have contact with her. But I feel guilty for it. How do I get past that?

Ignore her. Your life was better without her by your own admission, she stresses you out, and IMHO is only making an effort because your pregnant.. Harsh but true. I had the same reality with my dad who I'm NC with, it wasn't easy :(
But stay strong, if you Wernt pregnant and she text you to say 'let's get over this' would you have ignored? If yes.. Ignore this too

Congratulations on being preg though!!

Ignore and carry on with your life. A message does not always require a response

With respect you're not NC. You reached out over the miscarriage and you passed her a message about the pregnancy, albeit through your brother. She has responded in a pretty normal way to the news and you're interpreting it as 'pushing'. I don't know what prompted you to cut contact in the first place but, whatever you do next, please be more consistent. You don't sound like you know what you really want at all.

Yes, I am going to ignore it. I just needed to vent I think. If she ever contacts me I get this panicky feeling and some sort of guilt over the whole thing. she always makes me feel like that. We've been on and off contact for over 10 years with a few periods of 'trying to fix it' in between which have all been pissed all over by her.

To clarify. We have been totally 100% NC since March 2013 after I was in a low place and misguidedly contacted her to tell her I'd lost my baby thinking that perhaps she'd give a shit. She didn't. Since then, nothing. I have cut her from my life. Haven't seen her or had any contact from her. I didn't pass her a message, my brother lives with her 50% of the time and I told him, I didn't want to make it awkward for him (he's a young 21 and has Aspergers) by telling him to keep it a secret and he clearly mentioned it to her. She now has contacted me.

Perhaps I don't know what I want? Well, I do, I want a normal mother but that's not going to happen as she has proven time and time again.

It's made more difficult by the fact that I am in contact with my family on her side, just not her. So she hears things about me. But without completely cutting everyone off, what can I do?

Thank you PinkAndBlue! I'm still terrified but very, very happy :)

It's very difficult when you're in contact with your family but not one person.

If you asked your family not to discuss you with her, do you think they would honour your wishes? (Obviously i don't mean your brother which would be extremely difficult for him). Or would it cause ww3?

I can sympathise - I'm in a similar situation with my aunt but yours sounds far, far more difficult

Yeah they would, well, my dad does (they are separated but she still 'pops in for a coffee' as is her way) he doesn't talk about me to her. But my brother is different. I try to keep him out of things but she has said things to him in the past about how I've been horrible etc which really upsets him.

My uncles etc are different. They rarely make much of an effort anyway (with me or her - they're her brothers) so they know less about me anyway. I just don't want to burden others with our issues.

She's just not a nice person and not someone I want around me or my family (DH, 2 DSCs and now this unborn...) I don't want her.

Why does your husband think she feels guilty? So far she's ignored your miscarriages (pretty unforgiveable in my book) and she;s pissed on the attempts to have some contact in the last ten years.

It doesnt sound like someone who feels guilty to me.

it also sounds like you know clearly what you want - which is to have no further contact with the mother that you were landed with. Keep strong on that. Remember the woman she actually is, not the mother that you'd like to have had.

Best of luck with the pregnancy and future.

I think your husband might think she's feeling guilty because he's not able to imagine that a parent could treat their child that way. Could it be that he wants to give her the benefit of the doubt that she's capable of guilt and remorse over how she's treated you?

I don't think it's guilt at all. If it was, then she'd have replied to your text about the miscarriage, which would have been a time when you really needed love and support. Instead, she waits until she's going to have a grandchild before she contacts you. Sounds like a huge ulterior motive to me. And I'd resent the texts telling you to look after yourself and the baby. As if you would have taken up smoking cigars and drinking turps without her 'motherly' advice!

Is there any way you can block her number so you don't even have to receive these texts?

I have same NC with my mum. I've told her I'm pregnant and she said that was nice for me. I idly daydream about what it might be like having a 'mum mum' but I don't. If you want a relationship with the woman who is your mother then reply. If you'd like a decent mum then look to your friends to provide that support. Just ignore her. She's coped without you for a year. I completely relate to how youre feeling xx

Sounds to me like she wants to try and make things right - you're a long time dead, why not meet on neutral territory for a coffee and she what she says?

Don't get sucked in by the negativity on this thread.

Please please stick to your guns! It's so hard to cope with the pressure and the guilt and the self-doubt, but you would not have made the decision to go NC without very valid reasons, even if those reasons can be difficult to articulate.

I remember when I was pregnant with my DTs my mum guilted me into getting into contact with my sister again (we had happily ignored each other and lived our own lives for years previously) and, almost four years later, I'm still regretting it, and she still hassles occasionally.

You said yourself you don't want this person in your family's life. That's what I always remind myself when I'm wavering; my DC (and DH too, who is a good guy who doesn't quite get it) don't deserve to have my awful blood relatives inflicted on them.

Congratulations too!

by the way if you have a difficult family situation, you'll find it feels very vivid during pregnancy and around birth. It's the time you want a loving mother the most. Be prepared for that, is there any older female friend who can be with you and support you?

My motto is life is too short. Make up,with your mum. You only get the one

My motto is you only live once and being a blood relative doesn't mean you have to take more shit from anyone that brings more negatives than positives to your life.

If somebody has always been a negative in your life, are they likely to suddenly be different now? If not, don't waste the one life you do have wishing they were.

You beat me to it Joysmum I was just about to say my motto is life is too short to be treated like dirt by people who are supposed to value you most.