For those with controlling families which have secrets...

[thatthingonyournose]

... have you ever just called out the whole lot of them? You know, lost it, broken the mould and spoken the truth, in front of them all without a care for the consequences?

What happened when you did it?

My life is made miserable by the secrets in mine and DH's families. They centre around things like abuse, neglect, jealousy, covering up of affairs and infidelity, paternity of children, violent rages, self harm, addiction, mental illness and eating disorders.

There are strong allegiances that have only been created because of "mutually beneficial" agreements to forget information or events that have happened. While DH and I have been affected by the issues I listed above, we have not been the MOST affected in our families. Still, I am now pretty angry at the way I have been treated.

However, Dh and I have been totally manipulated in this web of lies because we are going along with the status quo of pretending stuff hasn't happened for the sake of everyone else. I know everything. The people who don't know I know everything have been the cruellest to me and have taken advantage of me the most because they feel that they are safe in my ignorance and can continue to squash the information without confrontation. The ones who know I know have been less cruel, but hide behind the rule that - ostensibly - none of this stuff ever happened because it never gets talked about and the unspoken family rule is "don't bring it up."

If I just lost it one day and pointed out these truths to them all, and the way the allegiances, ganging up and manipulation has worked since, because of the cruelty of a few individuals and the manipulation of others who are happy to enable things to keep up the secrets - what would happen?

Did you ever do something like this? What happened to you?

Did you have to cut contact afterwards?

Is it better to just walk away?

Had much the same situation with my side of the family. Had lived it my whole entire life. Everything from abuse to drugs to money, always nudge nudge wink wink say no more.
I decided to opt out ten years ago. So I just did. It meant going virtually no contact with some family members, being really strong with others and saying 'no I'm not getting into it'. I didn't row with any of them, although a couple couldn't deal with me no longer engaging in it all and decided to go NC with ME. I just let them.
Some tried to talk me round, to which I replied 'you worry about your own relationship with XX, I'll worry about mine'.
Now a lot of water has passed under the bridge, everyone is talking, but nobody is sticking their beaky noses too far into others' business. No daily gossip anymore, congratulations when due, commiserations when due, and how are yous in between.
Something I used to say a lot, but not so much anymore: blood IS thicker than water, but have you never heard of blood poisoning.

Crikey, that sounds really tough going. We have our fair share of difficulties in our family but overall, we're a family that likes to talk and sort things out.

I've cut the only member of the family out who isn't motivated to address issues and change for the better, and don't regret it for a minute. I agonised over it for many years though, and kept giving more and more chances.

So I guess you can either blow up and front them all with the issues as you see them, or withdraw and don't look back. It depends I guess on how much you think blowing up will help resolve anything. Have you tried counselling? It might help give you find a way you're happy with.

*might help you

what would happen?

world war three. And the sick, controlling people would hate you forever. That could be extremely difficult to handle.

But I reckon there's a chance the ones struggling to be healthy and maybe fighting a loosing battle - I reckon you might be light and fresh air to them. I wonder how many are desperately trying to work out what is going on, floundering in the atmosphere created by all this secrecy. I believe that secrecy usually allows manipulation and evil actions to flourish. Speaking up is very hard indeed but also sometimes very healthy Someone opening up Pandora's Box might find the little moth at the bottom, once all the evils been dumped out into the open - or let others find that little moth.

Yes, you might have to cut contact. Is it worth it? (genuine question). How much will it take out of you? How much will it restore you?

Most people choose to walk away in this sort of situation because that's the best for their own survival. But some people feel better by speaking the unspeakable. Don't do it though, if it will come at too heavy a cost for yourself and your family.

Sorry, no clear answer but maybe a few questions that can give you thinking material in finding your way forward.

Actually if you do do it, I'd say it's probably best to do it in a controlled and calm way. Challenge them to their faces. Incandescent rage can be pretty impressive but tends to lead to incoherency.

I deliberately didn't end with a big explosion. This would have been fodder for them for months, phone calls to 'discuss', visits to 'talk about it', ringing other family members to report their own versions of said phone calls and visits.
I just got very busy on my own home front, no time to visit or phone them, if they phoned me the conversation was very short as I always had somewhere to be.
Another thing I used to say to myself: it's not that I'm NOT talking to them, I just don't WANT to talk to them.

I've done this a few times. It engendered respect for me. I was surprised. Comments like, 'of all of us, I thought you'd end up being happy...' My sister said she had respect for me. My dad said my sister should try doing what I'd done.

Huge weight off shoulders. No more fear of what I'd say, no more bullshit I might have to sit through and stomach. Recommend it.

What I mean by that is that if I had suddenly changed my mind and decided they were all wonderful, I could've gone back to it all very easily. But I never did.
I probably have a smaller circle of those I would term 'close family' but I don't regret that. It's quite a nice feeling to look round my 8-sweater dining table and know that everyone there is there out of love and respect and all those nice things. Instead of having 30 people who are watching my every move and who will inflate every look/glance/chance remark into something it isn't. Even acquiring a new frock would turn into 'chucking her money about'.

Yep. I wrote emails to all of my family and extended family and disclosed the abuser who abused my DC as the police investigation concluded.

And I had unsupportive negative responsives from the 95% of entire family and extended family who wanted me to disappear.

I then wrote to then a huge fuck you lengthy response telling them they are not worthy of being in our lives.

It was the most satisfying and courageous thing I've ever done.

And we don't see any of them.

And we are so glad

That's so sad isn't it cookie dough. In this day and age, people are basically still jimmy saville protectors.....choosing sexually abusive adults over victims.... My family chose my abuser over me too and said when I left for good, that they would never apologise to me. Periodically I get them contacting friend saying, TELL her enough is enough now and to come home! Yeah right.

So sorry to read your experiences though.

It would be better to go nc with the lot of them,

if you blew up and stated all of the issues, behaviour, abuse, toxicity etc they would collectively cast you as scapegoat.

Re abuse any child abuse should always be reported.

If you find all the deception intolerable I don't think you're duty-bound to keep other people's secrets for them. If colluding causes you huge stress, don't collude. Don't lie or pretend and, if anyone is vulnerable or at risk, get the authorities involved rather than being complicit. Of course, if you think telling the truth would cause you even more stress you might decide it's better to detach yourself from the whole sorry mess and take your own life in a very different direction. Or that decision may be taken away from you and you find yourself ostracised, of course.

What's going to make you happiest? Go for that.

cogito you are always so very wise!

something2say I'm sorry to hear about your experiences too. Loyalties within circles is very powerful I've discovered. To the point that certain twisted human beings may offer up their own or nearest and dearest to save their own skin and sanity.

Wow what a load of brilliant replies, thank you. I was really interested to hear about the reactions, fascinated that some got more respect and others were just met with further denial.

It is difficult to ask what I want to the outcome to be. Ultimately I would like the outcome to be that we all stay connected but start to discuss these things openly. I know that is a very idealistic hope. As so many of them are invested in NOT being honest..

The other problem for me is that DH and I differ in our views. DH thinks we should keep quiet and just do our own thing. Currently see both families several times a year (DH has an ancestral family home abroad and it has become custom for both our entire families to spend Christmas, summers, Easter etc, there.)

He is able to detach from the hypocrisy and allegiances based on lies, and I am not. I am deliberately excluded from a lot of the clicks that have built up because I do not go along with the message that "everything is fine" when it so blatantly isn't.

So the initial problem, really, is that DH and I are not in agreement over what's best.

theoldhag you are so right about being the scapegoat... "The one who caused the issues all along."

It's horrific the way that works.

What would happen if someone sent an anonymous email to everyone just bullet pointing the facts so their was no bias?

Would this even things out, so everyone could move on or just cause a sh1t storm???

I have no experience of this btw.

In sorry that this is causing so much sadness and stress.

I suspect they would turn on you en masse. There certainly wouldn't be a good outcome - you wouldn't see them changing, for example. And the people you have been more hurt than you might feel it wasn't your place. But my goodness, it would be satisfying.

people who have been more hurt