My mum says that my problems are down to my genes

[rainbowchair]

I have been NC with my parents for a year.

My dad was always very cold, distant, stonewalling, aggressive, shouty, critical and nasty. My mum was his enabler but she was also very manipulative, controlling, passive aggressive.

Whenever I have raised with them how their behaviour towards me effects me my mum has always says that its all my problem, I have mental health problems (actually I cope very well with life, I'm not mentally unwell), that its all in my head. She is a typical gaslighter - she denies things that have happened including the time my dad pushed her over and her telling me she feared for her life.

Anyway, like I said, I have been NC for a year. I received an email from her a couple of days ago where she said that she remembers how I never went to my parents bedroom in the morning as a toddler, that we are all different and that we have different systems printed in our genes and that that is why I am the way I am.

I find this all very sad that she seems to blaming my issues with them with something "wrong" with my biological make up.

Was after some other views on this x

I'm sorry that she's determined not to shoulder any of the responsibility for the troubles you've had. Of course, you may have been persuaded against going into see them for any number of reasons.

All of the latest research on propensity for mental health issues suggests that genes interact with your environment - you might be slightly more genetically vulnerable, but it's likely to be your upbringing that's really influenced how your brain has learned to deal with the world.

I guess you're not going to reply?

Well she's wrong, and in denial. Sorry about your horrible parents :(

You know the answer. She's just saying anything she can to get herself off the hook. Denial, denial, denial - and my guess is that's all you'll ever get from her.

She doesn't want to face the truth that she and your father were inadequate and emotionally abusive parents. So she's blaming you. It's that simple.

The irony is of course that even if there were any truth in it being your "faulty genes" (and I'm quite sure there isn't) - where exactly do those faulty genes come from?! She doesn't seem to see the flaw in her logic, does she...

Stay NC if you can. I know it's tough. But you cannot communicate with people who are fundamentally so invested in never, ever listening to you, and always blaming you for their own shortcomings.

for you.

what callamia says.

This is something I've looked into to some degree and while there can be a pre-disposition to certain forms of mental illness, it's simply all too woolly.

Environmental factors can actually turn genes on and off. Everyone knows that a stable home backgorund is the best start to anyone's life and people with a predisposition are much less likely to develop illness if they have a loving stable background without trauma. It's not guarenteed, but it does make it vastly less likely.

However.

1. You got the genes from somewhere, as Talking says ... ;)

2. blaming the other person for stuff you don't like and calling them mentally ill is the oldest and one of the meanest tricks in the book.

3. blaming the genes is a really damn good way of evading responsibility. Her shifting of responsibility, not yours.

4. If she thinks you're mentally ill, well so what are you meant to do about it in her eyes? Put up with all her controlling manipulative ways ... like that'd make you well?

It's galling, infuriating and presses a few buttons, an email like that, but what talking says. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

That's a nice cop out IMHO. Ignore her and live well OP. Tis the best revenge.

Actually that's the perfect answer really if you wanted to reply. 'I got half from you and half from dad.. I'm pretty fucked really' type of thing.

But honestly the best thing is probably to ignore and delete.

OP, What.The.Fuck! That is probably the most insane thing I have ever read from a dysfunctional parent ever. Ever!!! OMG, if we started a thread of insane stuff our crazy parents said, yours would win.

And I agree with the others who say that she is looking for convenient ways to blame you, and absolve herself and her husband of any responsibility. Both nature (your genes) and nurture (their parenting and the environment they brought you up in) strongly influence the way a child develops. And guess what, they were responsible for both. The other strong influence is the child themselves, and whether they have the ability to see what is bad for them (and stay away from it), and good for them (and seek more of that). Your NC of 1 year shows you can do that.

I'd point out that you inherited your genes from your parents! She can then go figure.

Not saying that you have mh issues by the way!

You've obviously always been smart. You didn't want to see them as a toddler, you don't want to see them now.

Remain NC with them and do not respond to this barbed nonsense from your mother. Replying at all to this will give her licence to bother you even more and will put you back to square one because you have made contact. I would now block her e-mail address from your inbox.
Such people do not change.

If you're NC, set up your email account so that anything from this person goes straight into the trash.

I would imagine if from being a tiny baby you were kept at a distance not picked up and fussed over, loved and cherished your not going to become a needy toddler seeking comfort from your parents, like someone mentioned previously you were bright enough from a young age to realise this. I wouldn't reply to her

So what she's saying is:

"I've always said the problem was you and, look, science backs me up!"

Which, as everybody has already said, is a load of shit.

I received another email from my mum "letting me know" that the young son of a family member was very, seriously unwell. Have now found out from said family member this is total bunkum. Who the fuck makes shit like that up?

You really do need to block her e-mail address from your inbox as of now. It does you no favours at all to be reading her nonsense.

She makes stuff up like this because she is a toxic and dysfunctional person. It is not your fault she is this way; her own birth family of origin did that to her.

Sounds like she is far more than just the enabler in that situation. My mother has a similar approach - she even tries to get DH alone to convince him that I am an inherently bad and unlovable person (the exact qualities he married me for I would imagine!!) on the rare occasions that we see her. She is a class A emotional vampire narcissist. They make amazing victims - but then it is all your fault, not hers...
Your mother sounds like she's bored of not having your emotions to feed off, so is having a prod to see what happens - not dissimilar to a petulant child that wants attention. If you do communicate then try and remain passive - don't even mention it. I doubt what she said about you as a toddler is remotely true - narcissists are very good at creating their own truths to fit their agenda.

She's trying to make a rational explanation that doesn't involve your parents neglecting you.

What IS that illness thing? My mother does the same, just makes things up to make you feel guilty for 'shirking' her. It's like a script.

So you mean she's claiming that there's a known set of genetic variants that determine whether toddlers go to their parents' bedroom in the morning or not?

Cos I've heard some pretty imaginative bollox based on made up theories of genetics before, but that one pretty much tops them all.

i really feel for you Rainbowchair. My parents were poisonous bullies. They undermined my sister and me at every turn, and we suffered physical and mental abuse from them for years. Before we both went nc with them as adults, we tried to make them see what they'd done to us, but it was astonishing how they turned everything round to seem our own fault. We were 'difficult girls', they had been 'wonderful parents' and we 'weren't normal like other children in the neighbourhood' etc. Luckily we both knew the truth, but they certainly tried to mess our heads up even more by making us out to be a pair of weirdos. I'm afraid we then blanked them completely, and they never ever set eyes on their 2 Dgds. They died unmourned. Sometimes there's no other way to protect yourself from further pain and damage. except total withdrawal and nc.