How do you protect yourself?

[inner]

ExH and I have a very difficult relationship.

We have one son together, he is 2.

We have been separated 18 months.

Over this time I have tried to protect myself from him by keeping contact to an absolute minimum. This would obviously be easier if we didn't have DS. He sees his dad overnight once a week so there's a certain amount of communication which has to happen.

I stopped all phone and text communication after he stalked me, abused me verbally and got the police involved on a spurious and vexatious allegation. I told him he can call in emergencies in the time DS is with him.

I stopped his emails after he sent drunken, harassing late night emails.

He was stopped from texting my sister too after he sent her abusive messages.

The last communication we had was a notebook in which I asked him to note down anything I might need to know about our son while he had him, illness etc. he uses this to berate me.

So now I've pretty much cut off all communication completely. I've done it incrementally - I feel as if he's been given chance after chance and these things being taken from him is a direct result of his actions.

He is very much "fuck you I'll do what I like". He hates been told or asked to do something and if I say 7pm he'll say 8pm just to be awkward. I have to have very firm boundaries with him for my own sanity but he hates this and just crosses them to show me he can. This obviously makes me draw them even more tightly, which in turn pisses him off even more.

Anyway I'm worried now that when we go to court (court date for custody is in the pipeline) he's going to say I'm unreasonable for cutting him off and that I'm in the wrong for not communicating with him. I feel that I have to do this to protect myself, and I don't affect his relationship with our son as he sees him every week without fail and I don't get involved in their contact time at all.

He is threatening me that the court will say I'm controlling and unreasonable and this will go in his favour for custody.

Am I being awful and unreasonable? Or am I allowed to protect myself from him?

He has never hit or threatened me. I just find his whole manner very aggressive and he steamrollers me until he gets what he wants. I have always acted in what I feel is the best interests of my son.

You are being reasonable for not being in contact. You would be equally reasonable if you kept your little boy home & safe rather than making him spend any time with this nasty piece of work. Have you kept plenty of the abusive messages and e-mails? The more documented evidence you've got of sustained abusive behaviour, the better the case your solicitor will have when it comes to arguing for supervised contact.

I've kept everything.

Unfortunately I have no grounds for preventing contact. There were a lot of instances of him not keeping DS safe when he was a newborn but since we've split I've got no reason to think anything untoward has gone on. Although saying that I have no information whatsoever about where DS is or what happens during contact time (he thinks I'm trying to control him if I ask) so in principle he could be doing anything. I do doubt it though. If I thought DS wasn't safe of course I wouldn't have let him go. I can't prove he's unsafe iyswim.

I think that although he is uniformly horrible to me, he's ok with DS. Not great, but ok. And I can't prevent access just because he's a twat wish I could

I should add, he's not abusive-abusive iyswim. Just very unpleasant and nasty when he doesn't get his own way which is all the time

The stuff he's said and written wouldn't perhaps look like much on its own, but I think put into context he just never lets up, it's pick pick pick and then a big nasty push and then he goes silent.

Sorry I'm not describing it well but it's not as clear cut as reading his emails and seeing straight away a ream of swearing and abuse. That's not his style.

Let a solicitor advise you what to do based on the evidence. Emotional abuse, bullying and controlling behaviour are horrible traits and a child doesn't have to be at physical risk for someone to be a bad parent. Keeping a toddler's location secret is unreasonable, for example.

thanks for the advice Cogito.

I will raise it all with my lawyer when I see her later this month, and in the meantime not feel bad about cutting all contact.