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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What emotional abuse feels like

11 replies

RedRoom · 08/09/2014 19:11

This is a really powerful article on EA. One part in particular is so clearly expressed:
What I remember most about emotional abuse is that it’s like being put in a box. How you end up in there is the biggest trick – I never managed to work that one out. Maybe you think it’s a treasure box at first: you’re in there because you’re special. Soon the box starts to shrink. Every time you touch the edges there is an “argument”. So you try to make yourself fit. You curl up, become smaller, quieter, remove the excessive, offensive parts of your personality – you begin to notice lots of these. You eliminate people and interests, change your behaviour. But still the box gets smaller. You think it’s your fault. The terrible, unforgivable too-muchness of you is to blame. You don’t realise that the box is shrinking, or who is making it smaller. You don’t yet understand that you will never, ever be tiny enough to fit, or silent enough to avoid a row – because they aren’t rows.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/sep/07/time-to-make-emotional-abuse-a-crime

OP posts:
candyce83 · 08/09/2014 21:39

Amazing article!

Springheeled · 08/09/2014 22:17

So true about the box- great analogy

ladybird69 · 08/09/2014 22:22

Wow putting EA into words.
So true, the way I described it was every incident or criticism would erase a piece of me until there was nothing left! Just emptiness, a void where a vibrant woman once was.

thenamehaschanged · 08/09/2014 22:29

Love Lauren Laverne, she knows the score!

whatdoesittake48 · 08/09/2014 23:06

Utter confusion and impotence....that is what I feel. The feeling that my opinions thoughts and needs are stupid childish and ill convieved. With nothing but hsrsh words ringing in my ears.
That article made me cry. It summed it up so well.

Purplecircle · 08/09/2014 23:11

First marriage flashback
Thankfully 2nd DH is poles apart

Meerka · 09/09/2014 08:28

what a good description ...

the article links to another article where it points out that domestic homicide should also include people driven to suicide. I bet there's a lot more than 9 a month of them.

KERALA1 · 09/09/2014 08:33

Ex boyfriend flash back especially the these are not rows comment. Funny I have never before nor since had such appalling "rows" as I did with him with anyone in my life ever.

Same writer did a brilliant piece on family life a few weeks ago she's great.

Hmmm2014 · 09/09/2014 09:33

This paragraph describes me:

"I’m worried about my friend, who is beautiful, kind, smart (it feels important to note that she’s smart – some people still think “women like her” aren’t), and trying to extricate herself from an abusive relationship. He is out of the house, but not her head. This second eviction isn’t the most urgent, but until it is complete she won’t be free"

He has gone. The aftermath of what he did to me remains in my head. I have to re-find myself, but I can't remember who I am!

pictish · 09/09/2014 09:38

I shared Lauren's article on fb the other day there. It's good isn't it? She's a clever cookie is Lauren.

MrBusterIPresume · 09/09/2014 10:05

The box analogy is a good one. For me, it doesn't so much feel like the box is shrinking as that I'm finding more and more parts of the wall are electrified, so I'm put off touching them.

Fwiw my own take on this is that they put you in a box because they are deeply insecure and terrified of losing you. My MIL is an insecure and needy woman who made my H's life difficult if he showed any sign of independence. So my H learned that independence equalled abandonment. Because of his mother's treatment he too is insecure and needy, and any attempt at independence on my part (whether that is opinions, preferences, actions) is a threat to him. I am now realising the extent to which he has me in a box as his way of managing his fear of abandonment.

(Just so I'm clear, I am in no way condoning his behaviour, just trying to get it straight in my head.)

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