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Original poster

How am I going to meet a man? :(

27 replies

fourlegstwolegs · 08/09/2014 18:45

Ex left DS and I back in Feb. I dearly want to meet someone as I have accepted that he isn't coming back.
Problems...

I live in the countryside on a farm.
I am self employed and work from home.
I am approaching 40.
I want another child (lots of men in their 40s have been there/done that and don't want more)

My single friends live in London and go on dates all the time...not that they have found proper boyfriends though....
I really don't want to move to London, and besides there are women coming out of the woodwork there and the men can choose a girl who does not already have a child....

I'd love to meet people "organically" but it just doesn't happen, and less so as we all get older/married off.

My only recourse is Tinder, as I hated OLD as the feelings of rejection got a bit much. However...its hardly the first point of call for decent guys wanting a life partner.....

I don't know what to do :(

OP posts:
Questionsquestionsquestions123 · 08/09/2014 18:54

What about muddymatches.com?

Questionsquestionsquestions123 · 08/09/2014 18:55

Actually I think it's muddymatches.co.uk

Original poster
fourlegstwolegs · 08/09/2014 19:38

I've tried that. No luck so far. Unless I count really old (20 yrs plus) and balding....

OP posts:
pinkfrocks · 08/09/2014 19:49

Loads of online dating sites- Muddy Matches is good- someone in my family is on it :) ( male) but there are others.

But seriously, a child would be the icing on the cake. If you want a relationship then go for that and don't think too much about another child.

Original poster
fourlegstwolegs · 09/09/2014 09:34

I really really really want another child though :(

OP posts:
Questionsquestionsquestions123 · 09/09/2014 10:46

Unless you join clubs etc? Have you looked into sperm donation?

Original poster
fourlegstwolegs · 09/09/2014 13:24

I am going to start looking into it, as a contigency....

OP posts:
grobagsforever · 09/09/2014 15:56

meet up.com?

pinkfrocks · 09/09/2014 16:43

I'm going to get your back up here...but a man is not a sperm donor unless he's signed up for that.

To have another baby with a man, it has to be the right time in BOTH your lives for 1) a relationship and 2) a baby.

I don't know why you are hung up on a baby per se, without the relationship that usually goes with it. (I do understand women who use a donor if they are childless.)

It will be very off putting for men you meet to know they are being eyed up as fathers, when this may not be on their agenda. You will give off signs of desperation.

Why don't you settle for a relationship if it happens and another baby as a bonus?

MadeMan · 09/09/2014 18:39

Meetup is apparently good, but it depends on what is available in your area.

I don't know about out in the countryside, but London seems to generally fall into either some kind of geeky tech type of group, or else anything that involves an excuse to go down the pub.

flatbellyfella · 09/09/2014 18:52

Could you apply to adopt a young child if you feel so maternal at this time of your life. There are plenty of good men out there looking for love,not necessarily on dating sites, don't despair or give up hope just yet fourlegs

Original poster
fourlegstwolegs · 10/09/2014 12:55

Yes thank you pinfrocks I know. I'm certainly not desperate. It has to be right this time so I am being very careful. I'm certainly not eyeing men up as potential fathers and would rather be single and have another child than be with a man who doesn't want one. It's something I feel very strongly about.

OP posts:
FreckledLeopard · 10/09/2014 13:04

If a child is your priority over and above a relationship (which I think is a perfectly appropriate stance to take) then perhaps you could focus on having another child rather than meeting someone? Why not look at the donor sperm options, have another baby, then meet someone?

Someone wise I know once mentioned that if someone falls in love with you and wants to be with you, they'll accept your situation. So if you have two children and then meet someone, the fact that you have a second child, rather than just one, won't be a deal breaker for the right person.

I think it's harder to find, in the limited time you have (if you want another child) a man who you can meet, settle down with and have another baby with, than it would be to have a baby and then meet a man.

ImperialBlether · 10/09/2014 15:53

I think it would be very difficult if you have two children, one with a father he/she can see and know about and one whose father is a sperm donor. I don't think it would be fair on your second child to do that.

Original poster
fourlegstwolegs · 11/09/2014 17:25

I hadn't thought about it like that Imperial. Hmm......

OP posts:
pinkfrocks · 11/09/2014 17:36

I think a sperm donor is an odd idea. Sorry.
You have no idea what you are going to get. I don't mean blue eyes or blonde hair- but the child's personality. I can see so clearly that my DCs share mine and DH's personalities and temperaments and cannot begin to imagine what it must be like to use a donor and not know the person whose genetic material would be 50% my child's. There is also the added complication now that children conceived this way have a right to know who their father is - and vice versa.

pinkfrocks · 11/09/2014 17:53

This gives information about the rights ( or not) to anonymity. You might know this already so sorry if it's something you are aware of.
Point being that a child is allowed at 18+ to trace their father if the man donated sperm after 2005.

donors and anonymity

FreckledLeopard · 12/09/2014 15:20

Pinkfrocks - firstly there are a number of sperm donor clinics in Europe where anonymity is still guaranteed for anyone that wants to go down that route.

Secondly, it's a bit strange dismissing the whole notion of sperm donation out of hand as "odd". I have a lot of friends who've used donor sperm and they haven't struggled with the "unknown" 50%. Also, you really have no idea what you're going to get whether you know the father or not - it's pretty much pot luck.

Following your logic, anyone who got pregnant after a one-night stand or where the father buggered off won't "know" the person. A lot of lesbian parents might struggle if there wasn't donor sperm. Similarly, people who are struggling to conceive may use donor sperm if their husband's sperm quality is poor.

Fine if you don't think donor sperm is for you. But writing off the entire concept seems odd to me.

Blossomflowers · 12/09/2014 15:26

fourlegs Well I do not live on a farm but in a very rural location, I also work from home so very isolated, am bit older than you so wanting a baby is a no no. ( I think he you need to put that aside and see what happens) I have been OLD dating this year and could have several dates a week if I wanted to, still not met the one yet but has been interested, quite honestly do not see another option.Have to have thick skin though.

pinkfrocks · 12/09/2014 15:47

Freckled perhaps I should have added that anonymity cannot be had if the donor is registered with the UK clinics and through the HFEA but I assumed the OP would look into that herself.

I agree 100% with what you say about getting pregnant through a 1-night stand, but I'm afraid I don't agree with your other point about 'not knowing what you are going to get' if you do know the father. There is an increasing amount of research which shows that pretty much everything is genetic- from health to personality - which is why some women take a long time to choose who will father their children.

Simplesusan · 12/09/2014 15:57

I actually agree with speckled frog.

Decide which is your priority, a child or a relationship.

Tbh if it were me I would go down the sperm donor route as you won't be fertile forever.

Also if/when you have a secondchild, you can then relax and focus on meeting someone without the pressure of needing them to be fertile and willing to father a child.

pinkfrocks · 12/09/2014 16:08

Instead of a sperm donor, you could also freeze your own eggs which would give you another few years to play with- but do you really want to be a single parent by choice to 2 children?

Original poster
fourlegstwolegs · 13/09/2014 20:07

No, egg freezing has a very low success rate, much less in people like me with low fertility. And yes I don't mind being a single mother to two. I think it is hard for happy settled people with children to empathise with someone who is single and wants more....

OP posts:
pinkfrocks · 13/09/2014 20:17

It's got nothing to do with being married or settled. Even as a single person I'd not have contemplated premeditated single parenthood or using a sperm donor. I have childless friends, both single and married, and they have not gone down the donor route even though they wanted children.

It's a personal choice and I hope you find some solution.

Dirtybadger · 13/09/2014 20:51

Research that shows "pretty much everything is genetic"? Really? So the whole nature vs nurture debate was wrong? What research? If such research exists I would be fairly confident it is desperately flawed.

If having a child is the priority then treat it as such OP. Look into donors and adoption. Plenty of men will be lucky to have you- one child or two. I don't see that two children rather than one would be such a deal breaker, even with a more complicated "set up" as it were.

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