objects in the rear view mirror.........(very very long and confusing,

[tunictop]

the past is still causing me massive issues..........

i'm 71 now, yet events from the past are still affecting my life..
after a promise on my mothers death bed, I promised to always "look after my younger siblings" as she insisted I was the strongest....I was 23 then...

I kept that promise for decades, always listening, helping, providing financially , being there for them (3) at the drop of a hat.

one dsis was a manic depressive, eventually divorced but was financially ok.

dd2 found out dsis ex husband had an affair lasting many years while still with dsis, and threatened to tell dsis if I didn't write to her telling her I wanted to go nc as her manic past had caused me worries and sleepless nights...at this point I knew it would send dsis over the edge and I didn't want that on my conscience, so I wrote the letter and haven't been in contact for 20 years...which I am so sad about.

then dsis said she had problems paying her mortgage, and asked me to help, which I did.(eventually finding out that dsis didn't even have a mortgage...)

my dd1 found out, and simply cancelled the payments which upset dsis, but we still had a relationship (the promise I made to my mother lay heavy on my mind)

.dd1 was angry that dsis had lied to me re the mortgage,..didn't invite dsis to her wedding, and their relationship ended.

being two totally different people dd1 and dd2 eventually went nc with each other, not speaking for almost 20 years.

dd2 went nc with me , saying if I spoke to dd1, she would go nc with me, which she did.

now, this is the issue that is keeping me awake at night.

now dd1 wants to get in contact with dsis..her aunt ..after many years...
after I was blackmailed into going nc myself.

dd1 and dd2 are back in touch, wanting to "rebuild their relationship"
so,

I " lost" dsis due to dd1 .

I "lost" dd2 for staying in contact with dd1,
it seems my life has been one all about loss and toxic people and relationships.
I am hiding in my "bubble" that protects me from the jealousies and dysfunction of other peoples lives.
it's pretty lonely but keeps me mentally safe.

or, basically have I just cocked up everyone?????

I think you need to learn to let go a bit. That old maxim that you can't control other people, you can only control yourself is very true. You are not responsible for everybody else's lives, finances, relationships. What really struck me about your post (which was neither long not confusing) was that no one seems to have healthy boundaries, least of all you. You can't do anything about anyone else's boundaries remember, regardless of what obligations you may feel you owe - but you can do something about yours. Have you tried counselling? I know it's a stock MN answer but I genuinely think it would be helpful for you, having gone through similar myself.

for me, I have felt as though I am a spinning top in the middle of others lack of boundaries.

(which I have felt confused over, the emotional blackmail and consequences)

of course I am not responsible for the way others choose to live, but as these people concerned are close blood relatives it's sad that their insecurities and jealousies have had an impact on my otherwise peaceful life.

living in my delightful bubble, reinforces the truth that my boundaries are pretty positive, but simply each time that bubble is pierced by issues from the past, well, I feel that I just want to shake them all, and scream wake up, life is so short.

There are blurred boundaries, which may be from you taking your mums parting words to you so literally (as you would in such circumstances) it puts me in mind of a thread on here recently, it may even be live still, about how what someone has said to you has really deeply affected you. Your mum asked you to look after your siblings, they were under 23 at the time so this is understandable, she would have been worried for them being young and without her, but do you think she would have meant look after them in every way possible to your detriment! She loved you too, I'm sure she meant until they were of an age they could look after themselves, your relationship with your siblings should have developed into one where you relied equally upon each other. It sounds as if your relationships with your siblings is like that of a mother (which is bound to cause resentment) and your relationship with your children is like a sister, (dictating who you should talk to etc) understandable really, after your experiences. However I'm no expert, speaking to someone neutral may help you out. And of course recognising things so you can start to change.

Having a chat with a counsellor might help you to find peace with everything that has happened and enable you to rebuild relationships on your terms.

It seems as though your family relationships have been overly shaped by the wishes of other family members and if you want to resolve those issues from the past then I do think counselling would help.

You felt obliged to act in a certain way to keep promises or/and maintain relationships. There's a sense of obligation in your post but little sense of free will which is why I think PP mentioned boundaries. You could have chosen to act differently every time you were faced with an ultimatum. I think you need to explore why you acted as you did, and why you feel that was the responsibility of others. You need to acknowledge your choices and then make new ones about the current relationships in your life. You can choose to move forward with them in the way that is most beneficial to you regardless of your DDs views and/or wishes.