How do I deal with my hypercritical mother? AnyFucker?

[HumptyDumptyBumpty]

Slightly inspired by the recent thread asking AnyFucker for advice on how to be assertive...

Saw my 'D'M today. I won't go into the backstory too much, but she has always picked on both my DSis and me, and is getting worse. I have a 7.5mo DD and I'm so aware of the negative impact my mother has always had on me, and I a) want to protect my DD from her and b) am terrified I'll fall into the same destructive patterns with her.

So, to give you a flavour, here are today's gems:

As soon as she arrived, literally before she sat down, she said 'oh shut UP' to DD who was squawking. She wasn't horrendously loud, she was just excitable. I'm not being PFB, I am the first to shush her (she's noisy), but she was making normal baby babbling noises. I was that those were the first words out of her mouth to her first (and currently only) GC. I wish I'd thought quickly enough to use the 'I'm sorry what did you say?' but I didn't. The moment passed into one of her interminable monologues and I kicked myself.

Later, DD was crying briefly, as she was waiting for me to finish making her bottle. DM said 'oh she's turning into a right spoilt madam'. I did question that and used 'sorry, what did you say?' To which her response was 'oh, nothing' .

And lastly, she asserted that taking a week old baby out for dinner (as a friend has just done) was easy, she did it with me when I was tiny, as it's 'just a matter of discipline'. I took issue with that, and pointed out that a week old baby cannot possibly be disciplined. She never replies when I do this (point out when she is being batshit crazy) just gives me a dismissive and scornful look, and does a patronising, 'oh, you immature little child, you'll learn' kind of face/gesture.

I want to disengage totally, but I don't know how, and I fear she will make a big dramatic (PA) gesture like disappearing/attempting suicide/putting herself in hospital by not eating - all previous behaviours - and I will fall back into her web. So, I think in the short term, it would be more productive to learn to deal with her in a way that doesn't leave me screwed up inside with anger and hurt (not today, that's obv an overstatement, I mean generally).

So, AnyFucker, or other queens of assertiveness, help me! Please.

I'm not AF (obviously) and I'm sure she will be on at some point. Knowing and being clear about your values and beliefs was a great place to start for me. I too have a mum like that and found defending my DD gave me more strength than I ever had for myself. EG I explicitly said that smacking was not an option for me for DD and anyone who did so would have no contact from then on (braced self for onslaught). None came, maybe it was because I was so clear and emphatic, each step like that made me braver each time.
It's so tiring though isn't it.
I also like the 'just because I'm your child doesn't mean I am a child'

pale thank you. I think the clarity on beliefs is a great starting point. Being anal a researcher by trade, I might draw up a list with DH tomorrow - no smacking, no name calling etc.
I'm v impressed at your strength and I shall try and keep that in mind when DM makes her next suggestion like that (a previous one was 'if she becomes a biter, you know how to cure that, right? Bite her back' ).

I'm also going to wait for the right chance to use 'just because I'm your child, doesn't mean I'm a child', that is awesome.

Sorry you have a difficult mother too, yes, it is really knackering!

She's been hassling me to come and stay with her (she wants to see more of DD, but refuses to come to us, as DH 'makes her feel unwelcome' - read 'doesn't kowtow to her like I do'), which has been fucking me off. As I've been writing, the reply has occurred to me: 'I've visited you the last four times. You'd be very welcome to come and see us, but I'm not willing to make that journey again at the moment.' No justifications. Yes?
I had been practising (in my head, I'm not a weirdo) 'you don't seem to like DD, you make disparaging remarks about her, so I can't see why that would be a good idea', but I think that plays into her drama too much, and gives her victim-fodder.

god I'm crap at this
how am I bolshy with everyone but her?

Love the biting analogy. My DD bit me until she was 5, on the tummy!! She was overwhelmed by her feelings of love and didn't know what else to do. A quick no would interrupt her after a while followed by a swift hug.
Re that kind of mother,
They are bloody tiring but boundaries are very helpful and helping them understand, helps them make a choice ie get on board or not but here are our red lines. Cross them at you peril.
I still pick my battles and regularly get the 'I don't do anything right, do I' my response is often concerned with how children are viewed as human being with rights and responsibilities commensumarate with age. I was parented in the 70s so have plenty of examples to refer to now where is right and proper to be a different parent than they were.
Lovely to decide with your DH your values, what great support x

Yes. Boundaries. Would an electrified, razor wire fence around our house count?

You're right though. Thank you for the wise words!

pale do you bring up 'these are my beliefs' with your DM, or just challenge her when needed? As in, do you lay them out so she can have a chance of not being impossible following your parenting values, or just let her get on with it and pick up on things you feel strongly about?

Sorry I've had a hectic few days. The smacking statement came up because they were looking after her for a few hours but I said it days before, so she could process it (for good or ill).
Generally I did use the, we have agreed...... DH and I feel strongly that....... I know x is how we are going to parent DD.
That may not feel assertive enough for some MN members, you are however a team and your DH has an equal right to state his wishes for his DD. You don't have to do this alone.
I still screen calls sometimes and have wished for an electric fence. And if all else fails go for the MN, No is a complete sentence.

pale did it work? Did she abide by your rules?

precious sorry you have one too. You're v brave to go NC, I absolutely identify with feeling scared.

DM has realised (as usual) that she overstepped, and called yesterday and was sweetness and light. She never tackles what she did head on, just 'makes up for it' by being solicitous and friendly next time. It's like Jekyll and Hyde.

I feel better prepared for next time. I think. I'm going to try and keep contact, but on my terms (she hassles me to call her constantly), and pick her up on things to do with DD.

Why do you want to keep in contact ? If this were a friend and not your mother you would have dumped her a long time ago . I had a mother just like this. She was vile. Eventually both my sister and I put a lot of distance between us. Result was we were both much happier . We then ignored any of the self pitying comments that came our way .... usually via my father or other relatives . We kept contact as minimal as possible ( in fact my sister didn't see her for 20 years !)
My advice is to disengage as much as possible . Be terribly vague about seeing her ... " oh I'm not sure about those dates . Think we are seeing friends then "... If she wants to combat your lack of interest by using grand gestures then let her . She's an adult , and a nasty one at that , and has to face the consequences of her own actions . You deserve to be happy with your own little family .... we only get one chance at life you know , so make the most of it .
Dump her totally . I arranged my mothers funeral .Apart from me there were only half a dozen people there. That told me a lot . At my dad's funeral there were so many people there they had to stand in the aisles .Again , that told me a lot .

Don't let this woman have any power over you just because she gave birth to you.

4seasons do you have any regrets! now your DM is gone? My fear of going nc is that I'll regret it when she dies.

Random ! appeared due to ipad weirdness. Soz.

I am nc with my dreadful mother. She has already arrange to donate her body to medical science. I think this is because there would be a small handful at her funeral and she can bear thought of that. She is constantly trying to suck me back in. Haven't seen her for 2.5 years, but it would be much harder if she lived anywhere near me.

Good luck

Can't bear!

Anyone who calls a 7 month old a madam or tells a 7 month old to shut up isn't worth your time.

Also when you say you "shush" dd, are you really expecting a 7 month old to be quiet or do you mean in a playing with her sort of way? BEcause I do think that's a bit weird as well if not.

I am having the same issues with my mother. She has been abusive all my life. now, she is turning her attention to my 21 year old. we are out of the country for at least another 8 months and she is ramping up the verbal criticism. demeaning her in front of people. I need to speak to her. My sisters have already asked her to tone it down, but she won't. I want to stay in "parent" mode with her as she acts like a belligerent child. She is provocative to start a slanging match cos that's all she understands. She does the self pity (my father died when we were all young) I brought all of you up.....etc. Sometimes I wish I could tell her I am sorry for her inconvenience. I am scared to front her. but it needs to be done. for my daughters sake, for mine and for my mental health.
I wish I knew how but if I begin in a tone of lets talk rather than admonishment it might start out ok. it won't finish well but I am so angyr

When she tells your daughter to shush, you need to tell her that she lives there, and can make as much noise as she wants!

When she says 'anything I did when you were little', say 'yes, I know'.

Personally the best thing to do with those that piss you off is to spend time where they aren't and be hyper busy every time they want to see you.

weasel I don't expect her to understand, I just use 'shush' occasionally to show others who are finding her noisy (she is, she's full of beans, boisterous and noisy, I know this!) that I'm aware of it, and aware it might be annoying.

I do realise she just likes the 'shhh' noise, as she grins at me...

I'm sorry so many others have rubbish mothers who make them feel this way too. to you all.