Toxic mother

[Spidergirl8]

Sorry-long!
I am hopeful that I might get an external, anonymous response to this that may help me clear my thoughts.
My mother is a difficult character, she persistently talks about unconditional love, the authentic self and feelings but is extremely controlling and draining.
So here's the issue:
During a recent visit my mother, in front of our two very young children pulled down her top and told me she had suspected cancer. My father has had very serious cancer. Anyway I took the children away into another room and explained that we would need to discuss this away from them as they were too young to comprehend situation etc.
After they were put to bed I established that she doesn't have cancer but had a scare. My DH and i were deeply concerned at this and the way it was presented, my mother felt there was no issue bringing it up in front of the kids as they needed to learn about life. My DH was very upset and left for a a walk. Anyway as visit went on she kept putting me down, telling me I had various flaws etc. she also suggested on a few occasions that what she had done was fine and we were in the wrong. I won't go into detail, would be writing an essay, but she has done many things like this over the years and always denies/blames me after the incident.

After she left I called my stepfather to say that I was upset about what happened and wanted to explain in a neutral way our feelings so that we could move on, I text mother to let her know I'd called. She responded with a nasty text implying my DH manipulated me etc.
A few weeks later, after contact from here pretending nothing had happened, I emailed to explain how the constant put downs and odd behaviour in front of kids etc couldn't go on. I also explained that I would not put up with criticism against DH.
Two weeks later I've had a 4 page letter which basically makes many accusations against me including; we are completely I the wrong and dismissed her, I am not appreciative of the years they have brought me up and I should remember all I have done for them, she worries about me so much as she knows I'm a sensitive person but I've lost my way and need to go back to being what she thinks is right, I show no interest in her or stepdads life.
My DH has said she bullies me and I need to stand up to her. I hates grudges etc and want to just get on but I think that this is just going to get worse in the future. It wears me out and makes me very sad, but she just won't listen to me and constantly makes me feel guilty and to blame. Does this account sound like I've over reacted? Am I being unfair? I know it's not a full picture, but any accounts similar to this or advise greatly appreciated.

I completely understand this. Similar here. My solution has been to keep writing on here getting great advice from others as you are not alone with this. But the key thing is to slowly DETACH yourself from her. She does bit own you. Focus on creating a hsppy life for you & DH.

Oh and always remember you ARE good enough. You need not please her or exhaust yourself with her any more. Try it from tomorrow as a personal challenge. See how you get on. Only you can lift yourself out of the web she is spinning around you. But it can be done - I've done it. Good luck x

that should say she does not own you

No, it really does not sound like you've overreacted.

Quite a bit of what you say resonates with experience with a close female relative of my own - the endless health scares which she presented as likely-fatal each and every time, sometimes in the most inappropriate of places and in front of the most inappropriate of people; pulling the 'but I gave birth to you' line; the assumption that her way is the right way.

The only way to handle this is to look clearly at your husband, look clearly at your mother and frankly, as long as your husband is a decent man, choose your husband over him. You're quite right to tell her not to criticise him. And you are absolutely entitled to live your life without being made to feel guilty inappropriately, as she's doing now.

You might wish for everything to be nice, but she has to want the same. If it's her way or nothing, no compromise, then sadly you do have to stand up to her. You can do so civilly without being rude, and while being open to her if she can behave well and respect your boundaries (specially in your own home and in front of your children!). But if she won't, then you do need distance.

Limit how often you see her and for how long. If she starts behaving inappropriately, tell her quietly and calmly that you don't like her doing that and please stop. If she doesn't - leave.

Regarding the letter, I think all you can do is reply saying you see it very differently and that you stand by what you say: she cannot criticise your husband to you or to the children and that she needs to consider the impact of what she said. Hearing that she might have cancer could have hurt your children badly. As I say, I know that from bitter experience. There's ways and ways of handling that where children are concerned.

Good luck.

choose your husband over her* sorry.

Thank you so much for responding, it brings a lot of comfort after a sleepless night. Sorry to hear about you're experiences too- however advise and strength are a great example to me though.

Yeah, one thing I've learned is that people from kindly families have a normal view of relations and cannot understand what it's like to have diffiuclt relatives. They can see 5% from the outside sometimes but they've no idea what it's like to live with it.

calling you a 'sensitive person' can also be a red flag; not always, but sometimes it's used as a way of putting you down and making you fragile, in need of protect. Which usually means control.

Fair enough if your mum disagrees with the way you handle some things with your child but she's only entitled to suggest mildly that you do it differently. She needs to respect that you might say No. She's had her turn at childrearing, it's your turn now. Would saying "ah, the recommendations are that you do it this way now' help? or would she steamroller all over that?

It's going to be tiring, standing up for yoruself all the time, so maybe pick your battles. Not letting her criticise your husband or child is one of the really important ones though.

Thanks again meerka you're saying much the same as I my DH. It's reassuring that you can see that, even from the little I have written. Sometimes I think I'm over reacting all it is bout up in my head to be worse than it is. My DH tells me that's from years of being made to feel guilty and the one who is to blame. Hard though, I don't want to fall our or create a distance, it's beginning to be the only option though.