Unplanned pregnancy, don't know what to do

[almostlost]

Hi ladies. Hoping you can help me work through this. I'm 5 weeks pregnant, completely unplanned (contraception failure). DP doesn't want kids and made this clear at the start of our relationship. I was always fine with this - I love him and haven't had an urge either way so was prepared to remain childless and enjoy our life together. I have severe PCOS too and was told that I would need help to conceive so just took this as further confirmation that we wouldn't have kids.

Fast forward to having found out I am pregnant. I am completely and utterly knocked sideways by this. I can't stop crying. We've looked at finances and we can't afford a child. I need to work and the cost of childcare would cripple us. My DP has been fantastic, very calm (at least on the outside) about the whole thing. He is still sure that he doesn't want kids.

I am so confused. I know that we can't afford this. Above everything else though I know that I cannot force a child on someone who resolutely does not want one. It would be so completely unfair. I'm feeling so guilty already for even giving it one minute's thought. I don't want to leave him and go it alone. I love him so very much. So it looks like I am headed for an abortion. It's making feel sick, ashamed and so terribly sad.

I'm not really sure if there's a question in all this. I guess I'm just looking for some support. Thank you for reading to the end anyway. Has anyone gone through anything similar? How did you get through it? I'm terrified I'm going to regret this and ruin our relationship anyway.

Poor you. FWIW childcare costs always knock you sideways, even at relatively high incomes, but people manage to make it work. It's very responsible of you to take this into account but I wouldn't give it more weight than it deserves. How long have you been with your DP?

Take a breath, you are welcome to have my hand to hold if you want it too.

At 5 weeks you have a little bit of time to process this and do take that time.
Don't panic, your answers may come clear in a few days.
You will need to talk to DP and listen to him but in the end go with your gut feeling, ultimately this is your decision.

Take care

Only have an abortion if YOU 100% want it. Life is unfair. That's just how it is. I would speak to a counsellor or advisor, professional, who is impartial and not linked with either of you.

Firstly, please don't feel ashamed. You will be making a decision on what is best for you and that is nothing to be ashamed of. Many, many women have had unplanned pregnancies and have had to make similar difficult decisions - you are not alone.

Don't be swayed by your dp - I'm glad he is being calm, but he should not influence this decision. It needs to be one you feel comfortable with or you will end up resenting him.

Great advice about taking your time - it's early days and you shouldn't feel rushed into anything.

I found myself pregnant completely unplanned (contraceptive failure and morning after pill failure ) the father was already not really on the scene and once i told him confirmed he did not want to be involved.

Despite all this I knew that having an abortion was something I did not want to do, the fact that I had conceived at all was a minor miracle. A friend said to me at the time, if you have an abortion you will always regret it but if you keep the baby you will have no regrets. I have found this to be completely true and actually consider myself extremely lucky as I now have a beautiful 8yo dd

Forget what your dp thinks and any financial worries, what do you want? Finances will sort themselves out, yes you will be more skint but there are many more pros that will balance that out.

Take a few days to really think about what you want to do.

I kept the baby at the cost of the relationship. There are some things looking back I might do differently, but the idea of life without my son is now unthinkable.

And seconding girliefriend about money. Babies don't have to be expensive.

This happened to me. DP didn't want kids, I was indifferent. I found out I was pregnant (how my contraception failed I don't know!) and burst into tears. I think it brought it home to me that I didn't want children at all. DP was great, but insistent that he didn't want it.

After the termination I felt so relieved, but looking back I think I probably did things very, very quickly and could have possibly taken more time to let it sink in and for my head to clear. We are still together in a wonderful relationship, both certain of what we want.

I agree with everyone that ultimately the decision is down to you, and you should go with how you feel. Don't have a termination because he wants it because you will resent him massively and you will almost certainly split up down the line. One of my knee jerk responses was that we couldn't afford a baby, only for one of my completely skint friends to get pregnant at the same time - they manage just fine now.

I completely understand what you're going through. It's worse than awful.

Do you have any family or close friends for support.

I know it is difficult to see your way through but if you do end up doing this alone you will be okay.

I just keep reading your last sentence. Your terrified you will regret it. If you are already terrified you will regret it then you have a lot of thinking to do if that seed of doubt is already there.

I don't have any advice for you OP - It's for both better and worse that a woman gets to be the final say in these things. It's good as only she should be able to decide what happens to her body, but bad as it places the full weight of that decision on them.

Whatever you decide to do, there is absolutely NO NEED to feel any shame about this whatsoever. You are in a loving relationship, and fate intervened. You were using contraception, but you can't control that 100%.

You can decide to either accept this, or not do so.

But whatever you do, please do take some time to think about you situation objectively. If you went ahead with the abortion and your partner left you a few months down the line - would you reject that decision, or would you feel relief?

Whatever you decide to do, it isn't the wrong choice. The only "wrong" choice here is to decide a course of action (in either direction) to please other people.

Please do not have a termination because someone else wants you to. It has to be what YOU really and truly want to do.

I can't have children, and I have looked at other options etc. If you want the baby, nobody in the world has the right to stop you from having it. But PLEASE make a decision now, the sooner the better. Also your partner is not happy with having kids, this means he will likely be a useless parent, especially when the reality of childcare comes along. You might be facing the life of a single mother and doing night feeds and the difficult bits alone. Nobody (in their right mind) would ever judge you for having an abortion but at the same time nobody would judge your for keeping this baby. The choice is with you, but just remember "our finances" could well become "my finances" if he cannot cut it as a parent, and not everybody can. I hope you are well and my thoughts are with your DP as well as you.

Only ever have an abortion because you don't want the baby.

You may fear the relationship will end if you keep it, but it may end if you don't - you may end up regretting it and reproaching your partner for his stance.

Take your time and perhaps seek counselling to figure out how you really feel.

Didn't want to ignore. I don't really felt I can comment as it is a decision that only you can make. It is totally crap being in your position and I truly do feel for you.
I would give yourself a week to think straight and then go with your gut.
In my experience partners do come round howevere I would hate to be wrong and your partner is the one that doesn't take to being a dad.

How are you doing today OP?

Are you feeling any less overwhelmed?

Do you have any very close and trustworthy friends you could talk to about this? (and who wouldn't pressure you in either direction)?