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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can you help me get my head straight re possible contact with NC outlaw relative?

19 replies

mathsgsceresit · 07/09/2014 15:54

Not a thread about a thread, but another thread has made me think.

I have a relation of my exH that I have nothing to do with. Absolutely nothing. They are evil to the core, wicked and deserve to rot in hell for all eternity. If I believed in hell. Which I don't. So I'll settle for never having to see them ever ever again.

They have said horrendous vile things about me and DC and I am more than happy with my decision never to see them, and it's a definite bonus from my divorce that I never ever have to set eyes on them at Christmas and family gatherings.

I can't adequately describe how the thought of seeing this person makes me feel - I feel rage and fear and anxiety off the scale. It is definitely the right thing for me never to see them.

However, if my DS were to get married (he's not planning it I don't think but you never know lol) then this person would be expected to be invited.

I know I am overthinking but my exH will put pressure on DS to have this person there. Should I

a - buy gin and valium and suck it up

b - don't go

c - go and hate myself for being sucked into their drama again and giving them ammunition all over again

d - something else

They won't ignore me - they'll be trying to talk to me (they have pointedly done this the once we have met in the last 7 years) and criticizing me and doing their best to make me uncomfortable.

Any advice would be most welcome and thanks for reading this.

OP posts:

Nomama · 07/09/2014 16:07

OOooh! That one is difficult. It would depend on whether DS knows, needs to know etc. It would be his decision and you would probably do a) if he asked.

You could practice quiet responses
"Do not talk to me, this is my son's wedding, leave me alone"

"Hi X it's been so long, how are you doing, wife? kiddies? cat...? Once this is over we must do coffee, ciao" Beaming smile, mother of the groom moves on to the next guest!

You know which one would be the most effective

Original poster

mathsgsceresit · 07/09/2014 16:09

DS knows. And has very limited contact with this person. He isn't a fan. And is well aware that I am not a fan. Even though I have never said anything to him - this person has bad mouthed me to him. Frequently.

OP posts:

Nomama · 07/09/2014 16:16

Cheery smiles see off DHs family, for me. After a few minutes I can even sustain a pleasant chat.

But I detest them and they have little regard for me. On the very few and far between times I have to see them I quite enjoy seeing them hesitate as I swan in all cheery. They just haven't seen the psyching up it takes to get me there!!

To be fair DH doesn't ask me to see them, he appreciates the situation. But they are his family and he holds out hope... hopefully your DS will not send that invitation and will weather the disaproval when he does!

IntheYear2525 · 07/09/2014 16:18

How old is your DS? People don't marry young these days, and men generally marry later than women so perhaps your evil ex-relative will die before any wedding (being evil all the time is soooo wearing on the internal organs, especially the bile duct). Perhaps your DS will elope to Vegas.

Anything could happen really so it's not worth worrying about at least until your DS gets engaged. At that point I think you should repeatedly remind your DS and the bride to be that it's their day and they don't have to do anything they don't want to or invite anyone they don't want to.

If the worst comes to the worst then the most responsible and kindest bridesmaids and ushers will be give instructions to either head him off if he approaches you or to come and tell you that you are urgently needed elsewhere if he speaks to you. If they want to they could also hover behind him when he's talking to other guests and mouth "total bollocks" to the other guests if he says negative things about you, but that would just be for the fun of it.

gingerbreadroll · 07/09/2014 16:25

If DS isn't close to this person why do they need to come?

Original poster

mathsgsceresit · 07/09/2014 16:27

DS is in his 20's and they are a close enough relation that they would be expected to be invited (and no, it's not my ex MIL!)

OP posts:

Meerka · 07/09/2014 17:00

who expects them to be invited? the person themselves? does it matter what they think?

the perosn's relatives? trickier but if your feelings are known and your son also strongly dislikes them, again, does it matter if the relatives are unhappy?

If you absolutely must invite them, then what nomama says. Or a polite smile saying "i see you haven't changed at all" and move on.

If you think they will cause a drama just don't invite them, no matter what anyone else expects. This is your son's day, it's not worth spoiling it.

Original poster

mathsgsceresit · 07/09/2014 17:02

The thing is, "society" will expect them to be invited - and my exH will want them there.

And I'd hate to make DS feel like he ever had to choose (in this mythical situation with this wedding that isn't happening yet at all lol)

OP posts:

mineofuselessinformation · 07/09/2014 17:04

How about a simple 'Look, you don't like me and I don't like you so let's stay away from each other shall we?' And walk away.

Meerka · 07/09/2014 17:05

well, i think really then that you'd need to see what DS feels he shoudl do. Maybe say that it doesn't matter what society thinks. Your son hopefully will be considerate of the fact that this person's badmouthed you over and over.

If the links to his father are too strong then I'm very sorry but you'll have to suck it up and practise your neutral happyface.

amyhamster · 07/09/2014 17:07

your ds might decide to have a very small wedding

Original poster

mathsgsceresit · 07/09/2014 17:12

I am thinking of a voodoo doll and some very big pins ...

(joke!)

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/09/2014 19:04

I don't know how old DS is and therefore how long you have to do this, but I would start now a steady campaign of brainwashing him with 'evil Auntie Beryl' stories. Make out this relative is like Voldemort without the joie de vivre and your problem is history

Original poster

mathsgsceresit · 07/09/2014 19:06

I'll do that for DD Cognito DS has worked it out for himself

OP posts:

sonjadog · 07/09/2014 19:31

Is your DS likely to get married soon?

Original poster

mathsgsceresit · 07/09/2014 19:33

well, he's mid-20's and has a steady girlfriend so I suppose it might happen. But there's no signs of it I am overthinking really aren't I

OP posts:

sonjadog · 07/09/2014 19:43

Yep. Try not to worry about a scenario that may never happen. Your DS might decide not to get married, he might decide to go for a small registry office ceremony, the relative might have moved far away or have died, etc etc. Worrying about this now is a waste of time and energy. Think about more pleasant things instead!

CookieDoughKid · 07/09/2014 20:39

I would not give them my time at all. I would not even talk to them. I'd play dumb and move away to next guest like they didn't exist. And I damn well will be eye balling them the evils.

Inertia · 07/09/2014 21:18

This person can expect what they like, it'sup to your DS who invites to your hypothetical wedding. And he's going to want a nasty scene even less than you do.

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