Pregnant and don't know which way to turn

[igloo]

Unplanned pregnancy
Hi, I am a 41 year old Mum of an 11year old and a single parent(with no involvement from my ex husband).I recently discovered i was pregnant by my ex boyfriend and i am totally undecided whether to go ahead with the pregnancy or not.
I recently discovered that my ex is a diagnosed schizophrenic and that his father and brother have mental health issues too. He refuses to take medication and for the year and a half I have known him, seems pretty stable, although he has a terrible temper and is very controlling.
I do not want to rekindle the relationship with him but would like another child, however I would prefer not to have another child with him.
I am worried that this is my last chance to conceive due to my age.
I am also concerned how disruptive a new child (in these circumstances) might be for my existing child.
I feel torn. My head says(and almost all my friends) don't go ahead, my heart says do. Please advise....

If you don't want his child, then that resolves your conflict.

If you go ahead, you will have to have contact with him for the next eighteen years. You will both be parents to the child.

Can you support two children on your own financially? It's a large age gap and you would need to be careful of the elders feelings and ensure they are not seen as the easy option for a babysitter etc. Teenage years need a lot of support as it is.

Only you can decide but listen to your friends as they know you both and can likely see the whole picture.

As a side note, you need to get tested for STI if having unprotected sex outside a serious relationship.

Thank you for your advice.I'm
not sure if I gave the impression it was not a serious relationship. I had been with my ex-partner for over one and a half years (not that long but not a fling either) before discovering his diagnosis and before the unravelling of our relationship and pregnancy.I wished the decision was so black and white for me but I can't help feeling it was meant to be and this is my last opportunity to have another child.I am also worried about the guilt I will feel subsequently.I am an only child and when my mother passed away I felt extremely alone. I do not want my son to feel that in the future, although I am aware there is a very big age gap. In answer to your question, I can support another child, as I run my own business however two incomes and the support of a good partner is always preferable.

In your shoes I have to admit I'd be extremely tempted to keep it. But ... I think you have to weigh it up with a pretty extreme pragmatism.

In the circumstances, (i mean this kindly, not badly) do you think you could be a good mother to the baby? I'm sorry to put it so bluntly.

If you think the answer is yes, then listen to your heart.

If you think the answer is no, then listen to your head.

I don't know if the genetic question's crossed your mind. It's something I've had to consider a very great deal btw irl, there's severe mental illness in my line. But the conclusion for me was that no one has perfect genes and that the vast probability is that it's very distressing circumstances that trigger illness. Also, every individual differs. If you are sure that (unexpected catastrophes aside) you can provide a stable and loving background, then that question can be laid aside.

It will also be nice for your 11 year old to have a sibling becuase as you are clearly aware, when you grow older as an only child all the responsibility lies on you alone. Also, once your parents have passed away there it's a rather lonely old place, not having anyone you have a shared childhood with.

You've got to make the decision that you can live with, what your friends & family think are not relevant.

Personally, I would think very carefully about tying myself and my child to a parent with a serious mental illness. I think that's quite a burden to place on a child. If anything happens to you, the child will be responsible for him. I also would think carefully about the increased risk of schizophrenia in a child which increases to between around 10% with a diagnosed parent compared to around 1% in the general population (depending on the study).

I don't think this is your last chance to conceive. What this tells you is that you're still fertile. It might be easier to have a planned pregnancy with donor sperm if you definitely want another child.

At the same time many 90% of children with a schizophrenic parent will not develop the disease. If, in your heart, you really want this baby and you know you can manage practically and financially, then it may be the right decision for you.

It will most likely be your last chance to have another child- that has to be a major part of the decision making process.

You not wanting his child is also an important factor but I don't think that's a total no no. Plenty of mothers have children by men they wish they hadnt ifyswim.

The fact is, you are pregnant by him so it's already happened. U must say- I think I'd be going ahead with it if I were in your situation but obviously I don't know the whole situation etc.

I don't think it would be disruptive for your dc. They would have a sibling. That's a positive in the long term.

Why are your friends opposed to it do you think? Have you struggled being a lone parent to your dc? Are there financial problems?

Just go with your heart, always when it comes to pregnancy. You will regret it otherwise, it's your child, no logical reason will count a few years from now, it never does, I know :(.

Thank you for all the advice so far. I know that I would be a good Mum, I have been so far and my son is total joy and delight to have in my life but I am concerned that this baby will be a lot harder to parent as their father may prove to be unstable and is very controlling even when he is on a good path.I envisage being dragged to court over many issues, if he has the chance. Money is not exactly rolling in but I can't say that I have struggled being a lone parent either.My difficulties have come from a lack of emotional support.I very few friends and virtually no family around me, so that is where my struggle lies. My ex-husband has not made any steps to see his son since he was four and parenting alone, without an ex partner, parents, siblings or grandparents has been tough(although peaceful in some ways).if i continue with this pregnancy, it will be extremely hard if i get sick and I am concerned more burden will fall on my 11yr old than I would like.

I agree to listen to your heart. A lot of the problem with decisions like this one I'd that its full of ifs and buts.

Are you certain the father would even want to play a part?

I feel for you, a really hard decision to make. Just be honest with yourself and try not to be playing out possible scenarios 10 years from now in your head as all you can really go on is the here and now.

Hug if its needed xx

Thank you so much Mammadiggindeep
for all your kind words and support

Don't make a decision based on what other people are telling you to do. It's not their life it's yours. A termination is not an easy thing to go through and no one quite knows how it's going to affect them. If you have enough love to give a child and the resources to cope these are reasons enough to go ahead, but only you alone can make that decision.

I can understand why it feels difficult to decide what to do and I wish I had more constructive advice but I can at least chime in on age gaps.

There are around 13 years between my DD (nearly 15) and my DS (18 months) and it's fantastic. DD loves her brother to pieces, she rarely gets roped in as an extra pair of hands but she is happy to help out on occasion and enjoys helping to look after him. I also think it helps teach her about responsibility. DS adores her and in her words is 'sooooo cute!'

I try to grab some time just me and DD now and then - even if it's just doing the food shopping - and I offer plenty of reassurance that I love her even more every day and seeing her being an excellent sister makes me proud. She doesn't feel pushed out at all.

I do worry sometimes because she's at an age where she's wanting independence and I don't want it to feel like she's spreading her wings a bit so I've replaced her but from talking with her and observing her there are no signs of that worrying her.

Long post but in summary - big age gaps can be great - so please don't only consider it on your negatives list.

Good luck with whatever is right for you.

Thank you for all your advice and support. I decided to have a termination last week(finally). I went for my appointment and surprisingly, they were unable to carry out the termination, as they said there was strong evidence that the embryo was not alive or growing (apparently they can only terminate live pregnancies). Thankfully the decision was taken out of my hands. I feel so relieved as this is a more ideal outcome, given the circumstances.
I have cut off all contact with my ex partner and never intend to wind up in a situation like this again.

I'm not surprised you are relieved.
It's a horrible deicison to make.
I'm sorry for your loss though.
It wasn't meant to be right now.
for you!