How do I help my miserable DH?

[ChampagneTastes]

This may be long and in the great scheme of things, is not a hugely serious problem so feel free to bow out now! Here is the background.

I am married to a lovely man, we have a toddler DS and have been trying for DC2 for a couple of years (a whole other thread). DH works full-time, I work part-time. Around the house we have a fairly traditional distribution of chores: I do most things food related and much of the cleaning. He does the cars; DIY; washing and we split childcare equally when we're both at home. There is no question that he does more than his fair share.

He is in a job that he seems to quite like (he was bordering on depressed in his previous job) but he took a pay cut to get it on the understanding that he would get a significant rise once he had settled in and met certain targets.

We have been talking about me quitting my job to go freelance so that I can be at home to do school runs, etc when our DS is at school age. This is dependent on DH getting a raise.

We have been doing a lot of work on the house: new boiler (which has meant redoing most of the living room), new patio, plus lots of bits are getting to the point of needing touching up or refreshing.

Last night, DH was almost in tears (out of nowhere). I have seen him actually cry twice: once when I was in labour with our DS and once when he was very, very stressed. After a lot of coaxing he said that he is pretty much overwhelmed with all the jobs he needs to do and the possibility of going out to get a new job if the current one doesn't work out. I should point out that I really do not nag or get on at DH about jobs that need doing - he is very much the driving force. We had a long-ish talk about things and I tried very hard to convince him that none of the jobs had to be done immediately. With regards his job, I told him (and I meant it) that it would be better for him to stay in a badly paying job that he likes than for him to go off and try to find more money and end up miserable. I also told him that the freelance idea is negotiable and we've got a couple of years to think about it anyway (I can't completely drop the idea because we both agree we really want one of us to be doing school runs).

I just don't know what to do to help him. He is so stressed, he's a bit snappy (but trying really hard not to be) and I can't think how to help him. There is also an awful selfish part of me going: "well I'm bloody stressed too!". I don't really know what I'm asking but I guess it comes down to, how do I help my DH be happy?

I have lots of work to do today so I won't be back to the thread until this evening but any thoughts would be gratefully received.

He sounds as though he's overwhelmed, anxious, possibly insecure and trying to resolve or think about too many things at once. If the house needs a lot of maintenance and you're living in a mess, that's a constant reminder of stuff that needs doing. You're right, the answer is to break the tasks down into small, manageable chunks, get help where possible and get a sense of accomplishment from seeing the pile of jobs reduce.

Then the matter of your jobs sounds like a particular pressure point. There's a deadline of DS starting school and there's the conditional requirement that his current job pays more. If he's required to hit targets (and maybe isn't hitting those targets) then the whole plan falls apart. Very anxiety-provoking.

Then you say he 'bordered on depressed' previously. Was he ever diagnosed or treated? Would he consider seeing a GP now?

Yes, I think you're right Cogito, he's all of those things! I think he holds himself to a very high standard and is stressed because he can't reach it (not through any inadequacy about him but because there just aren't enough hours in the day).

He is very organised and so, while he is overwhelmed by his list (he keeps adding more to it!) he does have a plan of when things will happen. I would love to get people in to do some of the jobs but he is very anti as he doesn't trust other people to do things he can do well! I made this worse when I went and got the patio done off my own bat and, while the job was ok, the chap who did it left us with more work to do and rather proved my DH's point!

As for the job thing, it's really hard, he is very very good at what he does (I know I'm biased but he really is) but is being paid the salary of someone two or three rungs below him. We can survive on his salary but it is doing his ego no good at all (especially when he sees friends buying brand new cars, etc) and if ever have success with a second child we will need more income; I'm doing my best to do my bit to bring in extra money here and there (which I think has also dented his ego a tiny bit) and I've said we can rethink the freelance thing if we can find another way to ensure someone is around for DS. I'm starting to wonder if he should negotiate his hours down instead of his money up? Then I could work longer hours and bring in more money and he could do some of the stuff he wants to do around the house.

I don't think he was ever "medically" depressed but he was (is) very very low. I try to make him take breaks, I encourage him to go out and pursue hobbies and I am relentlessly upbeat which may be annoying but we need some positivity in this house. What else can I do?

Someone who makes lists and keeps adding to them rather than reducing the items on them is not organised. They're just cataloguing the stress. Refusing help when overwhelmed is also irrational. One bad patio builder does not mean abandoning all other tradespeople.

Ultimately, I think you'll have to take a tougher line and be more in control here. If he's not coping for whatever reason ... insecurity, suspicion, pride, procrastination, depression .... and being cheery and encouraging him to take breaks isn't having any effect then it's going to require a less conciliatory approach. The exception being his job because that's something he alone has to navigate with his employer.

If things need fixing in the house, get them fixed. If you need to earn more money and put DS in a nursery, do it.

I get your point Cogito - I will sit down with him and his list tonight and go through and see what can be dropped, done by someone else or done by me. I will try to be firm!

We are walking a delicate line at the moment between time and money. We don't really have enough of either! I can give him more time by paying for stuff to be done (the house is perfectly liveable by the way, it just needs cosmetic work in places) but he is very uncomfortable with that and currently we don't have the spare cash to do that for everything.

I could go and find a full-time job which pays more money (potentially) but that would mean me working around 70-80hrs per week and I'm really not sure how I feel about that, particularly with regards to DS. If I did that though, it would take some pressure off DH. Hmmm.

By working 70+ hours a week won't take any pressure off of your DH; it will only massively increase it, for both of you. You would be permanently exhausted and stressed by working such long hours and this would certainly rub off on your DH and DC.
It might be worth asking around to see if anybody can recommend a local trades person so that if/when you do pay someone to help with the jobs then at least there is some hope that they will be of a decent quality.
It's going to be hard to resolve this problem until DH starts to lessen his demanding expectations of himself. I really think that you need to try to keep an open dialogue so that you are at least trying to work as a team.
I think that for now, you should shelve any notion of trying for another child as it's never a good idea to bring another child into the world when things are physically/financially incredibly difficult enough already.

heyday I think much of the stress really stems from the inability to conceive. All his jobs are things that he can control and do something about (even if they are stressing him out).

But you're right - there's going to be stress what ever we do, it's just whether we are lacking time or money!

He seems a bit more relaxed the last couple of days - he has a plan of what he wants to do and it's reasonable. He's sat watching rugby right now so he's having a bit of downtime at least. It sounds like he's been a bit stressed at work though so we've been talking about that.

I dunno, I guess I just need to keep doing what I'm doing.

Does he have any counselling available through work (or could you pay for some?). It might really help for him to sort out why he feels under such pressure and is so stressed. He doesn't have to actually be depressed to do this - just wanting to address the stressedness and pressure.

No, the work place is very small and, since he's about to enter into salary negotiations, it's probably not something he wants to bring up with them right now! He's very much the sort not to take any help and if I suggest it he will pretend there isn't anything wrong so I back off and leave him alone!

His best mate is coming to visit at the weekend so I'm hoping they have a beer and a chat and maybe have a chat about things.