Can/Should I try and work on our relationship? I just feel broken and desperate... PLEASE help me someone???

[RachaelPW]

Sorry in advance for how long this is please please read it though I really need help. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I feel like I can't go on anymore. Any help would be really really appreciated as I feel completely broken and empty.... no idea what I should do

I have been with my partner for 5 years now and we have a beautiful little 2 year old son. I am currently 6 weeks pregnant and booked in for a termination, although I haven't/hadn't decided what I was going to do for sure when all this mess happened.

Any, I'll start at the beginning, 3 months into our relationship I went on a "girls holiday" with my friends, he asked me not to go as he was convinced I would cheat on him and was really really upset and wouldn't let it go. I assured him I wouldn't but he really didn't want me to go and would get upset over the thought of it. Obviously I went on holiday and when I returned he acted a bit strange for a few days (nothing really noticable, just a bit moody) but everything was fine after that. A few weeks later he was in the shower and I was scrolling through his phone messages, not because I thought I'd fine anything just because I'm really nosy, I know it's wrong but that's just who I am I was so shocked to read a message from a friend that basically accused him of cheating on me while I was on holiday, I freaked out and just up and left he kept calling and I wouldn't answer I didn't know what to do. That evening I confronted him in person and he continually denied, said he would never do that to me or anyone else, eventually said that he had kissed someone on a night out whilst really drunk and he regretted it and was sorry, I was so upset and said I wanted to talk to the friend that had text him about it in the morning, he said ok and tried comforted me and I slept/lay awake in his bed all night. In the morning he told me that he needed to tell the truth and had actually slept with the girl. I was so upset and obviously left, I went home and read through my messages from the night it had happened and he had text me to say "I'm home now, I love you, goodnight xxx". He wouldn't leave me alone after this, calling, texting, coming to see me, telling me how much he regretted it, how sorry he was, how he was so drunk he didn't know what he was doing and he was only that drunk because he was worried I was cheating on him on holiday and he was scared and didn't tell me because he didn't want to lose me, all the usual excuses.

We worked through things though and I loved him dearly, I forgave him but obviously didn't forget and would always panic whenever he went on a night out with his friends, if he could do that once why wouldn't he do it again? Anyway, fast forward 4 and a half years and here we are, he went out on the bank holiday weekend just gone and told me he was going to the pub and would be done around 11 and said he would call me to pick him up as we are currently living with my mum as we are looking at buying a house and trying to save on rent but she lives out the way and he had no other way to get home. I stayed up expecting to hear from him and at 1.10 am when I still hadn't I text him to check if everything was ok, he said all was fine but he was enjoying being out and "did I want him to leave?" I was annoyed that he out that on me and I told him he could do what he wanted but I was going to sleep as I'd been up since 5 with out son. I then didn't hear from him until 3.30am, he was calling to see if I wanted to go and pick him up or did I want him to sleep in his mums house. I knew straight away that he had planned to go out and had lied to me as his mum was away for the weekend so he would have had to taken a key to get in there, so it was all planned. I told him I wasn't going out at that time and so he slept in his mums.

I hadn't had any sleep at this point as I was so panicked/anxious about what was going on, and couldn't sleep knowing that he really could be anywhere/with anyone. I think the pregnancy hormones made it worse too. He called me the next day around 1pm to go and pick him up but I was so angry and upset by this point I turned my phone off. Around 5pm his mum had returned from her weekend away and he called me again, I answered this time and he said his mum was there and going to bring him home. At 8pm he returned and didn't say a word to me, no sorry, nothing, just sat on the sofa next to me and started watching tv. After 45 mins I turned and said "You have nothing to say then do you? You don't care that I'm upset at all?" to which he replied "Why are you upset this time?". I was LIVID, but I just stood up and went to bed. The next day he went off to work and around 12pm text me everything you would want to hear, that he was sorry and time got away from him and he knew it was wrong and he wished he had come home and he should have said sorry but didn't know how to approach me and didn't want to fight, but I was so angry by this point I didn't want to hear it.

I made a huge mistake and sent him some absolutely vile messages, not just your usual angry messages, they were extreme and I think anyone would be shocked that anyone could say that to someone they love. I can't believe reading them back the things I said, they were so hurtful and disgusting, I told him to come and get his things and I never wanted to see him again, he continually told me he was sorry and I was being ridiculous and he didn't want to leave, but I continued with the abuse. I was 100% wrong to say the things I did and I regret it so much, I have no excuse all I can say is I was angry and hurt and it all just came out. I didn't mean any of it. So this was on tuesday and that evening at his mums he joined POF and messaged loads of girls! I knew this because he left his ipad here and all his emails came through on it, I was angry but understood that he was hurt and trying to prove a point that he didn't need someone who was going to be that nasty to him. On the wednesday I woke up and had started to bleed, I panicked and text him about it as I didn't know who else to talk to, I had to rush to the hospital as when I had my first termination appointment they weren't sure if it was an early pregnancy or possibly ectopic, they told me if I started to bleed I had to go in straight away. I went in and they told me that I was ok but it was probably bought on by stress and to calm down, I told him all this and he did ask me how I was and could he do anything but I was even more angry with him now as I blamed him. I continued to be absolutely vile to him on wednesday and thursday, but thursday evening I had calmed down and went to see him, I said how sorry I was and regretted everything I'd said, and he told me he loved me, but couldn't cope with me throwing him out everytime we fight (which is a massive flaw of mine and I know it's wrong, I get very hot headed in a fight and can't see sense, even though I never actually want him to leave). I explained I knew I was wrong but my worst fear was that he could have been with anyone and I'd never know because he'd text me that he was at his mums as he'd done it before. He said he only wanted me and he made a mistake once and that he could see now how I've never gotten over the cheating, I told him it wasn't the cheating that still got to me, it was the text to say he loved me and was at home when he was actually in bed with someone else.
He said we needed some time apart and to sort things out and he didn't know what he wanted at all. I was sad but obviously understood. On the Friday, he came and took our son out and when he dropped him back I told him I wanted to sort things out and make things better, and did he want to go to the cinema, he said he would but he had a really bad headache and was going home to bed. When he got home he messaged me about having our son over the weekend, I told him I had plans to go out with my friends on the saturday and he could have our son the saturday and the sunday. He agreed and I asked him if he was talking to or meeting up with any girls, which he told me no, and then accused me of only asking so that I would know wether I could go out and "get off with" guys on the saturday, I told him he was being ridiculous and I'm not 16!!! He told me that I was single now and could do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted, with no one to answer to, which I stupidly said "I know, I don't need you to tell me that". I wish I hadn't obviously, but I just thought he was trying to be mean. I then text him to ask how his head was, and he didn't reply. I found it weird and did go on his ipad to snoop, and i found he had searched for a postcode about 10 mins from his mums house, I instantly knew he had gone to meet up with a girl. I lost my mind and raced to his mums, he obviously wasn't there and told her that he had gone out with a friend, she told me he would never have gone to meet a girl and I always think the worst of him, but I knew he had. I raced to the postcode he had searched for but his car wasn't there, and as I called him twice to see what he would say, he didn't answer obviously and I started to drive back to his mums, then he text me "Sorry I didn't reply, I've been sleeping, I'm so ill, I'll call you later". My heart broke, I didn't know what to do, then his mum called to tell me she had rung him and told him I was going to this postocde and he needed to come home. I went to his mums and about 20mins later he just walked in as if nothing had happened, when asked where he'd been he told me "To pizza hut with Kate" when asked who kate was he told me "A girl I met online". I went nuts and he just continually told me he'd done nothing wrong and couldn't see what the problem was, he was single and could do what he wanted and it was nothing to do with me, 3 days after I'd kicked him out!!!! 3 days!!!! He'd been speaking to her since the tuesday. He said he hadn't told me because he didn't want to upset me and he knew I'd go mad and make a huge scene and he wanted to go out and take a break from everything and he said he was worried I'd start to bleed again but was adamant that he'd done nothing wrong!

It wasn't until the monday that he apologised and said he knew he'd made a mistake but now he knew he just wanted to be with me and was oh so sorry and would do anything and never wanted to hurt me and the "date" never really meant anything it was just to distract him from everything. He said he would do anything to be with me and fix things.

I feel broken, absolutely broken, I can't function, I can't cope with what's going on. He doesn't understand what he's done, he doesn't think it's even that bad. He's said sorry and that's it in his eyes, he's so insensitive to him. I saw him Friday to pick up our son and asked him what he was doing for the weekend, he said nothing and when i said "What, you haven't even made any plans with your friends?" his reply was "No, I've said no, and no means no, and it's got nothing to do with you anyway". He shows no emotion, how could anything fix this? Is it even worth fixing? I read it and it sounds like a 16 year old's problems and yet here we are in a 5 year relationship with a 2 year old. I feel on the verge of a mental breakdown and just sit here obsessing over is he talking to or meeting anyone, he says he isn't but that clearly means nothing does it. I love him so much, I should hate him for this but I just love him and want to be with him, but I don't think I can be.

Please can someone help me? Please?

I'm struggling to find kind words to write.

Your life sounds so full of drama and aggression and hate... it makes me wonder why anyone would live like this? Is this pretty much what you think relationships are like?

Do you mind me asking how old you are?

I never say this lightly when children are involved, but I personally don't feel you have anything worth saving.

He is obviously happy to cheat on you and live the single life. He projects his guilt onto you by accusing you. And you will never truly trust him again, you didn't after the first time he cheated and certainly won't any time soon after his behaviour this time round.

Is begin tying up lose ends and start moving on. This isn't healthy for you, him, or your son.

This boils down to trust and honesty. You've got a few examples above of him being dishonest and untrustworthy and you're probably wondering if there's more. His apologies sound very easy and meaningless. He doesn't sound very kind or respectful. To him I think you're someone who is easily duped.... not nice. Even his friends know he's sleazy.

If you choose to stick around and give it another go with someone who does not want to acknowledge they have behaved badly you are signing up to be permanently suspicious, anxious, and acting like a crazed lunatic. That's what living with a liar does to you.

I'd be asking him to step out for a few weeks and give you chance to properly think. Confide in someone close perhaps, find some calm and look after yourself. Work out what you want out of life and what you want in a partner. Assuming that he is going to carry on exactly the same way... does he fit the description?

He doesn't sound very kind or respectful.

Neither does the OP though.

I'm not sure how calm and polite someone is expected to be with a cheating partner. Regardless, a good relationship should bring out the best in people, not the worst.

He says you are going to cheat and go and meet others because he thinks everyone is the same as him and does the same.

This is because it is what he is.

Please don't go on holiday I think you will cheat = I am the sort to cheat.

Will you meet someone this weekend as you are now single = I am meeting someone.

He is a liar and a cheat. Worse. He is a liar and a cheat with a mummy who backs him up and supports him. You can see where his moral level came from.

You are better off not with him.

I think you certainly need to be apart....permanently or not depends on whether you can be with someone who you cannot trust. This drama sounds totally ridiculous and you need to distance yourself from it in every way.

It sounds like a really immature set up with no respect or trust on either side. How old are you both....

I absolutely agree with everyone.

I am 27, he is 26. I can see it myself that it is ridiculous and immature, I can see we are both at fault here. I know I haven't been nice or respectful to him. Obviously our whole relationship isn't like this, there are clearly many good and fulfilling parts of our relationship or we wouldn't have been together for 5 years.

I can blame being pregnant and the hormones etc but what I did was 100% wrong no matter what, I am also bipolar and struggle with my anger at times. But again not an excuse, just a pathetic reason really. I wish I could take it all back obviously but I can't :( I am finding this so hard because sadly I can understand every reason he has given me and every excuse, that doesn't mean I think he is right, obviously not. But I can still see where he is coming from and why he did it.

I know he loves me, when we are together and not fighting (I cringe that I am writing this, yes I am pathetic, I know am, I don't need anyone to tell me) then everything is great, he is so loving and caring and will do anything for me and our son. He loves me and our family, but things have been very hard recently and there has been lots of bickering and unhappiness.

This was a stupid ridiculous argument that has just blown up in my face.

I fee so broken and empty, how can I survive? How can I end it knowing he will be off with girls he's met online trying to forget me while I sit at home missing him, wanting him and loving him? I don't want anyone else, I don't want him to be with anyone else. But obviously I want things to change drastically on both ends.

I think you would both be better off apart. I think you will both be great parents.

Stopping him from being with someone else is not a reason to stay with someone. Free both of you from the obligation of being together and give both of you the chance to find a happy, healthy relationship

One thing that I thought your posts suggest is that you might be a bit lonely and isolated, allowing your feelings and thoughts about this relationship to become too big a part of your day-to-day life. Do you do any kind of work?

I think you should split and stay split.

He's a wrongun and he's not bringing the best out in you at all- it's way too much drama. Focus on your son and yourself and let him take random women to pizza hit. You can do better.

You can't fix this. You don't trust him and he already thinks the relationship is over and has moved on. The only part of his behaviour that I agree with is when he told you it wasn't your business if he was seeing someone else. It isn't your business anymore because he considers your relationship to be over. Please hear what he is saying and don't waste any more energy trying to continue this relationship.

I mean this kindly, but I don't think you do love him . He is someone who has cheated, lied and disrespected you. You may love the part of him that is nice to you but that isn't all of him. You can't have a relationship with someone when you're having to ignore fundamental parts of their personality ie in his case you're having to ignore that he lies, cheats, leaves you sitting up all night waiting for a call to collect him when he has no intention of coming home.

Let him go and be thankful you can build a stable life for you and your DC without the almighty drama of this relationship.

I know this is hard and scary but honestly if you don't put an end to this now, you will be getting back into a cycle of drama after drama. Life doesn't have to be like that.

No no no no no no no

You don't love each other, you are just hooked on the adrenalin of the drama.

Take a step back, you know it is all immature and destructive.

You are not broken, nor empty. You are just a bit drained, coming down of an emotional high. Treat it as though it is drug withdrawal - which it is in a way.

Sit down, let it all wash over you. Disengage from the inevitable lovey dovey ness that comes next - that high is not worth the low you are currently going through. The rollercoaster ride is really destructive. You obviously bring out the worst in each other.

It is unbelievably scary. It would be easier if he had moved on wasn't interested. But he has told me he wants to work things out, he is willing to do anything to fix things and rebuild and trust at all. He says that going out with someone else was just to clear his head and so he would know what he wanted, if he wanted to work things out despite how down right awful I had been to him or if he wanted to cut his losses and move on. But he now realises that he wants to work things out because it's worth it all. I know it's ridiculous, I know what everyone's saying. I know what everyone's saying and it's obviously more simple where emotions aren't involved. I know his excuses aren't good enough, I know he's wrong and horrible. But I feel I pushed him into it if I'm honest, I wish things could be different. I was wrong and horrible to him too. Yes, it's an awful lot of drama, yes it's ridiculous, yes I know what everyone's saying and completely understand, but I obviously want to try and save things. I feel desperate and pathetic and I know that's what everyone will think of me. I don't even know anymore. I feel like my life is over.

No I don't work at the moment, I am returning to university at the end of September to do the final year of my maths degree, so at the moment my life revolves around our son.

What treatment are you getting for your bipolar disorder?

Nobody should think you are desperate or pathetic, so I'm sure they don't. I think that they want to save you from further hurt.

This isn't what a healthy, happy relationship feels like. His words are nonsense. I really do think that this whole situation is taking up brain space because you've not had much else to focus on.

I know that our relationship isn't healthy at the moment, it has been under a lot of strain since we moved into my mothers 4 months ago (and have kicked him out 7 times in that period and refused to speak to him and been horrible etc and he hasn't done this before). I think a lot of my reactions/distrust over the recent few months have stemmed from my bipolar, I was initially prescribed a high dose of antidepressants and counselling, which I just refused../ I'm wrong, I'm a horrible person, I know I'm bipolar and have refused any treatment for the past 6 months hoping that it would go away and convincing myself that I was fine, which I'm obviously not. My reactions aren't that of a sane person. He has put up with an awful lot if I'm completely honest. This certainly isn't the first time I've treated him like this, but it the first time I haven't apologised within a maximum of 2 days. I have serious anger issues and it isn't just with him either, however I am able to control myself with my son and walk away. My god I read this and cry at my life, I am surprised he has stuck around as long as he has with the issues I have and the way I have treated him. But it's the lie isn't it, that lie that he was at home.

I think you need to get in touch with your mental health team as a matter of urgency and get some kind of treatment in place with immediate effect. There is no point even trying to figure out what to do about your relationship while you are this unstable. Focus on getting your mood on an even keel and then tackle the relationship issue.

OP, I have no experience of Bipolar, and for those that do, forgive me if I'm wrong, but it seems to me that the reason you are suspicious and distrustful is nothing to do with an illness, but it's because he has lied to you and cheated in the past. How do you see this relationship ever working? What is it that you think will fix it because you are both young and it's not unreasonable for either of you to want to go out individually with your own friends, but you will forever be suspicious and distrustful because he has proved himself to be a liar. That will always remain even when you get help or medication for your anger/bipolar. Sorry but I think you should walk away and focus on yourself and DC

I am quite paranoid, which can be part of the bipolar, it depends on my mood at the time, sometimes I can be convinced people are looking at/talking about me but it's not all the time, like I said depends on my mood. My partner says that I accuse him of lying all the time and when he proves he's telling the truth about things I just move on and forget about it, rather than accept he's been telling the truth if you see what I mean? I agree though that obviously the initial distrust stems from the cheating in the beginning. Everything is just such an enormous mess when I sit down and think about it all.

It sounds as though your health needs to take priority.

I know what was going through his head when he did it, I know that he thought "this is the last time she kicks me out and talks to me like dirt, I won't beg her to take me back like I have done everytime before, I'll move on and I'll be ok". We've been together 5 years and lived together for 3, you do know someone in that time I think. I know that he was at the end of his tether with my behaviour and I should have taken the steps to address it and be on the right medication but I didn't sadly and I regret it obviously. I know what he did is completely wrong, but I can see why he's done it, so you see what I mean? Everytime something happens he waits it out and comes back, and it's every couple of weeks because I'm that volatile. Ugh I can't cope with this. I'm so sorry that I'm posting on here like an idiot, I really really do appreciate every reply. Thank you so so much.

I think you need to stop thinking about what he's doing or was thinking or is planning.

Are you going to make an appointment with your doctor?

I read your post.

I think you should:

say goodbye to him, as a partner, for good. he cheats on you. don't make excuses for him - you don't need that kind of behaviour shattering your confidence as you go through your life.
establish some ground rules for his access visits to your son.
decide about the termination.
speak to your consultant about your bipolar symptoms and ask if a change of medication would help.
decide where you and your son/children are going to live. will you stay with your parents permanently? a place of your own nearby might be the right way to go.
your son needs stability. your parents, if they are supportive, can help you provide this.

My own mother had a statement of her condition which included the phrase - 'schizophrenic manic depressive with paranoid tendencies'. it is not easy to be the child of such a person. As your son grows up, get him access to counselling, as a positive thing, a pro-active decision for his future wellbeing. If he has someone to talk to from time to time, it will help.

You are not a horrible person. You are a person living with a very challenging condition.

There are worse things than having no man in your life. Look after yourself and your son.

I have spoken to my social worker and he is sorting out an appointment with my consultant at the hospital.

I've decided to go through with the termination, it's not fair to bring another baby into this situation. It's not a good choice for anyone to keep it.

I'm so pleased to hear that you've come to a decision Rachael and I'm sure you will have made the best one. Thinking of you.