Would really value your opinion on this letter to my sister?

[HappySmileyPeople]

Dear my lovely little sister

You know I don’t want to hurt you and I don’t really want to rake up the past. Too much has happened, too painful. But, our dad will die and you will probably think that I am a heartless bitch for not being too bothered about it. I can’t bear that you would think that of me, so I want to tell you my story. You can choose whether to read this or not, but at least I will feel as thought I have explained it to you, my sister.

My first memory of you is of the night you were born. I was really young and really scared, mum was in labour, dad no where to be seen. I had to get help. At that moment, I guess I started to look after myself.

Second memory is of a HUGE row, aged 5. You were a baby, not moving around yet. There was shouting and screaming, mum shouted at me to “Grab your sister and get in the car”. I did, I picked you up out of your cot – you were asleep – and packed us a carrier bag of clothes (who knew I could be so resourceful so young?). I wrapped you in a blanket of sorts and went out to the car, sitting in the back, holding you. I waited, I can remember the shouting, I can remember you crying. Mum ran out, dad threw a brick through the windscreen.

That time was pretty horrid for me, school was OK, but something happened that still to this day, upsets me deeply. We had babysitters called J and S, I don’t know whether you remember. The long and short of it is that J raped me. He took me into the bathroom and told me what he was doing was safe, good, make me a grown up. All that grooming stuff. He used a piece of pink toilet tissue to clean himself afterwards. He encouraged his brother S to also use me. S did some more minor abuse, kissing, touching, etc. I was probably 8 or 9. This happened more than once.

They involved others, including Uncle T and our neighbor.

I had a hickey on my neck. Our family friends were there when it was found and I remember mum grabbing me and taking me to them, asking them “Is it what we think?” I didn’t know what it was, I said something about scraping my neck, I genuinely didn’t know what they were even talking about. I don’t think any of them did anything about it.

All of this before I was 11, before I was my DC's age.

So, this terrible stuff plus a childhood filled with dad getting pissed, violent and horrible led me to feel totally worthless. I used to try to look after you a lot.

When I was 16/17 I took a major overdose, more than 100 tablets. I wanted and meant to die. I felt so low, so totally worthless, so deeply isolated and alone. I just wanted all the noise and roar going on in my head to stop. It didn’t. I almost did die, so very close.

I tried to kill myself since, at least once more seriously, resulting in a 3 month stay in a psychiatric unit. It didn’t help much. I don’t think dad came to visit me more than once or twice.

This resulted in me telling mum a very small part of this story and we have only skirted around this. I asked her not to see her brother, she still does. I asked her not to mention him, she said “But you two are close in age.”

So today everywhere I turn there are stories of historic sexual abuse, on every radio station, in every newspaper. I can’t get away from it. I have thought through options and know I won’t do anything about it. I won’t take them to court (even though I know where they are on facebook) because it will destroy me, my career, my stability and my family. I won’t tell mum because it will destroy her, she is still so fragile, which she acknowledges and it will cause untold damage. I won’t put my family, my wonderful DH, and DC’s through any form of pain or damage, just because it might give me some form of justice. I would hurt more from seeing them damaged.

So I can’t forgive either of our parents for not looking after me as a child, for letting this happen to me and for not taking action. Yes, there are probably reasons. But I know for sure, if anyone touched or hurt either of my DC’s, I would do something, I would protect my child, I would keep them safe. I would not let that person walk free.

DH knows all of this and there’s not a single day that I don’t count my blessings to not have died, to have got on with my life and to have kept my children safe. I had a lot of therapy since DH and I met at the beginning and this helped a lot. The thing that has helped most of all is having my own, precious, happy, safe family. My anchor.

The only thing I ask is that you don’t share this with mum. I don’t want to destroy her. I can’t do that. I would rather be silent.

Anyway, that’s it. I am not a heartless bitch. I simply can’t forgive either of them.

Your big sister x

happy You've done nothing wrong. Really, you haven't. Any you are doing nothing wrong by bringing this open to your sister either. You are doing yourself and your sister a favour. Abuse is wrong. People need to know because otherwise, abuse can fester unchecked in families. What if your sister has a child?

I feel the same for my BIL. Yes, my BIL may not well like hearing what I have got to say. And he damn well knows I'm not the kind to give a fck about what he and the rest thinks. But I damn give a fck on what they do. You see, I too have a future dilemma. My BIL has yet to have a wife or kids. And in the future, they will do. You can bet my BIL will say nothing to his wife or kids. Who is going to look out for them?? I know I will have a huge massive row in the future waiting for this can of worms. Because should my BIL ever bring a woman and child into this family, I am going to bypass BIL and tell his wife direct about the peodophile in our family. No one else is going to even though they all know - just to keep the peace. Just to keep MIL, like your mother - ''happy''.

It's f*cking sick. Sorry if I sound angry. I feel anger for you. I feel anger for my dc. No one is going to stick up for us unless we do it ourselves.

If there are children in your wider family. And this abuser is still f*cking alive - I implore you and others, to be brave and empower the innocent with knowledge.

If someone had told me, I could have prevented my dc's from being along with HIM.

alone not along. EEPS.

I'm sorry you had to go through that
Personally, I think it's too much to say all at once, given that there is no huge time pressure and it would probably be easier to hear with a little warning. You're telling her for you - so she doesn't think badly of you, not that it's a bad reason, necessarily. But it's only fair to also think of her feelings when she discovers all this. And if you've decided to go horribly cold towards her if she reacts badly, I would question telling her at all. People react strangely under pressure and this is a lot of pressure. In her shoes, I'd feel the tone ('my sister' repetition) was a bit controlling and melodramatic. It doesn't seem empathetic and there's something grating about that. You should also be prepared for her to not feel like it was your parents fault that it happened and therefore not reason to feel indifferent towards them. There are so many ways this could go and obviously only the way in which she's instantly able to absorb this and feel deeply compassionately towards you is going to be acceptable to you. Be aware that it might not go how you want, and that may not mean what you feel it means.

I also wonder why you aren't considering the children who are vulnerable right now? Don't you have a responsibility to do that? It seems very possible that your sister may think so.

I would really think about how you want her to react to your letter/ however you tell her.

And how she may react. And how that would make you feel... And how you would cope.

Alot of people (not just a few, but also, not everybody) have really bad reactions to being told this kind of thing.

How would you cope if she reacted badly? Are you prepared to lose your existing relationship with her? And also your relationship with your mum?

I know I'm sounding doom laden and I'm sorry if I'm upsetting you as its the last thing I want to do.

I too have a horrible secret similiar to yours, which made me into a very damaged person. Actually the damage is more from my families (non) reaction and lack of action at the time. In my 20s I went through a phase of telling people, I guess as part of processing it, refusing to let it be a guilty secret that ate away at me, and some of the resulting reactions left me traumatized for quite some time.

I've written some of the negative reactions I've experienced, because if I had been able to prepare for them, I wouldn't have been sucker-punched by them.

I'm in my 30s now and I don't feel the need to tell people any more, partly as I've done so much work on myself that it's no longer the core of who I am, and partly as I have become more protective of myself.

I walked blind into telling people, and I'm glad I never told my sister or family, as I know for certain their reactions would not have been kind or healing in any way. My sister is dead now, and she's the one who I care most about and who I regret our closeness got destroyed. But in my case, telling her would have put her in a position where she had to choose - and I know she would never have chosen me. I'm crying now writing that, but it's true. She was a good & kind person, but her life was too enmeshed in theirs, she had too much to lose. I could not have stood the rejection from her.

Obviously that was just my situation, family dynamics and individuals. Not yours. And I have no idea how your sister would respond

Here's just a few of the reactions I've seen - don't read if it's going to upset you, I'm coming from a 'be informed and plan for different scenarios to make sure you can cope if it does happen to go badly' kinda stance.

• They can blame the victim, tell you it was your fault, or that its something in you that made it happen (foul and wrong though that is)

• they could tell you you should have reacted differently / dealt with it differently / are selfish for not 'getting over it' (belittling your pain and trauma, not nice)

• they could blame you for destroying their memories of the past, for changing their view if the people they love, or be angry that you are forcing them to confront a different (& more unpleasant) reality than the one they grew up and believe in (kill the messenger style victim blaming)

• they could also start going on about how you should have held the perpetrators to account, and blame you for the potential / theoretical other victims (weird moral high ground & turning you into a perpetrator... Easier for them than you actually being a victim and not responsible for the actions of your abuser)

Just that's why I wrote my rather long missive actually. Have no idea if it was meant or not though.

Happy

But this Good call on whether to say in person. I wanted to give her an OUT, an opportunity to not read it.

Would achieve the exact opposite of what you want- she wouldn't have an OUT- once she started reading she'd want to carry on- can't you see that?

If you spoke to her in person, she'd have the choice to walk away, or tell you to shut up, or ask questions.

Anyone receiving a letter like this will be compelled to read it. Writing things down is usually more powerful than the spoken word- letters remain ( unless they are destroyed) in a way that conversations aren't.

Sorry if this sounds cold. This is only my opinion . I really hate all this touchy feely bullshit with family.

At the end of the day, you were a victim in a heinous crime and if your sister cannot understand that and support you then I would consider her callous and really, no sister of mine. Spare her though about her REACTion?!! No. That is nothing to what you've been through. Hands down no comparison. At the hands of perpetrators.

When my BIL said it was out of order to tell him about what HIS brother did to my daughter. My response was ' I am not telling you for your benefit egghead'

I'm telling you so that next time you see your child or some other child is alone, you can at least be aware of what could happen. Like do I have to spell it out?

Seriously, can we please put back the onus on the op and her feelings and all the feelings of victims of abuse. I may well have saved my bil's future dcs from being raped. That's h

At least I can say I've tried.

My 'big' sister also thought she had a duty to tell me all her horror stories, some involving me, because she thought I had a right to know. What has really happened is other family members question the reliability of her childlike memory of events and paperwork backs up some of what she thought were 'facts' were interpretations. The damage her disclosure has done to our family and my health has been immense. Looking back I think the real reason she told me everything was because she wanted to off-load it, for her sake not for mine. So my advice would be think long and hard about why you want your sister to know all this detail and what it will cost her so that you can not be thought of as heartless.

saltnpepa - so your sister shared her story with you, and you don't believe her? And then blame her disclosure for "damaging your health"?

How do you know she was "mis-interpreting" and your other family members weren't just in denial?

And imagine how hurtful that would be for her.

There's nothing wrong with 'making it all about her', wanting support and care from the people who are supposed to love and care about her most. It's not shameful.

saltnpepa dont you believe your big sister? What if she gave you evidence that would stand up in court - would you react differently?

And what's wrong with offloading on to you? Aren't you her sister???

And child like memory? Was she a child when it happened to her?

My DC was 3 when he was assaulted by his uncle.. But no doubt in 20years time no one will believe him.

salt you have a responsibility to know

I think saltnepepa may have been misinterpreted. My guess is that she feels confused and exhausted after first believing the abuse stories completely, then realizing that it was a subjective account and, like many narratives, had some incorrect assumptions inherent in it. Doesn't mean she doesn't believe her sister about the big things but she's probably speaking from a place of weariness about the months of years of drama that have gone into unraveling the stories and finding out what exactly took place. This is something the police do when they speak to any witness, even if they fundamentally believe that the witnesses testimony will be largely accurate and certainly sincere.

The other thing that saltnepepa could be reacting to is the message that these stories of abuse were being shared with her by her sister for her own sake, when they didn't end up having a positive impact on her life at all. Obviously that isn't the case with this poster, who has been pretty frank that she is sharing the story so that her sister doesn't dislike her for not caring more about her father's death. But it's still self-interest at the end of the day, though nothing necessarily wrong with that. I would struggle to see how that letter could be truly altruistic. If the OP feels that the letter she wrote is altruistic, perhaps she needs to think harder about why she has included the details that she has, and also think more about the impact it's going to have on her sister's life.

Totally agree with bullets. Thank you. Someone talking sense. Although she has written it far more eloquently than I could be bothered with.

I am floored by peoples reaction that they shouldn't need to know or not know details. Because they have a responsibility to know to protect their children and other children!! It's not about them. Its about the innocent kids.

And I really don't give a shit about how they feel. They need to sort out their own feelings to the perpetrator I have been describing.

At the end of the day, if he assaulted an innocent in our family, and I didn't tell the parents I knew anything about him then that makes me no better than him.

It f*going grates me that people cannot see the common sense.

Its a good thing for op to disclose and if her sister can't be bothered to step up that tiny little bit to support her sister then she should just f*ck off. Really what is the point of her?