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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

This is suspicious, right?

13 replies

LostTeacher · 07/09/2014 02:45

So the usual cliche... DP either on his phone or it's switched off, it's never ever lying around and if I ask to borrow it he doesn't let me.

I may have caught him in the past inappropriately messaging somebody and so I imagine he is now covering his tracks.

Anyway tonight, finally, I manage to steal his phone while he had fallen asleep. I've gone through all the messages, contacts, photos, everything and I've found nothing incriminating (apart from some 'adult' videos shared between his friends). I know he's hiding something though because most of his whatsapp conversations don't make sense, as if he's deleted parts of the conversation.

Anyway I did manage to find a list in his phone settings of blocked contacts! Well I put them in my phone as new contacts and then looked at their profile pic on whatsapp and they are both females.

I've started messaging one telling her I'm DP but saying I've lost my contacts so haven't got her name. I just want to find out who she is!

Anyway my point is, having these two blocked girls on his phone is rather suspicious, right?

OP posts:

Polonium · 07/09/2014 02:56

Sorry but going through someone's phone is an abuse of trust and messaging his contacts pretending to be him is humiliating.

You don't trust him so you should end it.

MexicanSpringtime · 07/09/2014 03:02

What Polonium said

Original poster

LostTeacher · 07/09/2014 03:14

He knows I don't trust him which is why he hides his phone . In the morning I'm going to tell him what I've done and I'm sure we'll have an argument and he will concoct some stupid story.

The girl seemed to know who DP was not happy that I didn't remember her name. I imagine he is having some sort of phone relationship (at the very least) with her.

OP posts:

Original poster

LostTeacher · 07/09/2014 03:16

And technically, his phone is my phone. It's registered in my name and I pay the bill every month via direct debit from my account.

OP posts:

MexicanSpringtime · 07/09/2014 03:21

So why are you with him, OP?

OldLadyKnowsSomething · 07/09/2014 03:23

So, he'd blocked these women, and you thought it was a good idea to contact them, with them thinking you were him?

Busybee43 · 07/09/2014 04:04

If you've both got to this stage then I think you either need to end it or get him to go to counselling with you to try and work things out. Challenging him on this isn't going to get you anywhere as he'll just be angry and what you've done - and he has blocked these women so maybe he was doing the right thing by doing that.

LoveBeingAwakeInTheNight · 07/09/2014 05:03

What do you see the outcome of this being? You don't trust him, that is enough.

elizadofuckall · 07/09/2014 08:13

It's not as simple as ' you don't trust him so leave him' though. When you have been in this situation and have been told that you are imagining it/crazy/stupid/insecure/ mental etc, the need to prove to yourself that you are not 'mad' is immense.

That is why so many people need to find the truth.

heyday · 07/09/2014 09:07

Yes, we often have the need to find the 'truth' but we can go slightly crazy and paranoid in trying to obtain it. It's obvious that there is no trust here. If somebody felt the need to hack into my phone like this because they didn't trust me then I would rather that the relationship ended. How can mistrust and deceit be the basis for any healthy relationship? How do you honestly think he is going to react once he knows what you have done? If he has given you serious justification for not trusting him in the past then I really think it's time to part before this becomes an obsession and drives you crazy.

LuluJakey1 · 07/09/2014 09:21

The trust is gone.
This is so destructive- to the relationship and to your peace of mind. Look at what you are doing? It sounds bizarre, like a detective. This is a man you seem to want to be with.
I can't see how you can re-build from this to a place where you are happy and have complete trust in him. I don't think his behaviour would warrant it anyway.
The sharing of porn videos with his mates is awful I think- I would be furious with DH if he was doing that.

EllaFitzgerald · 07/09/2014 09:35

Yes, it is rather suspicious, but even if it had been completely innocent, would you then feel happy that you could trust him?

You can keep quiet about looking on his phone and waste the next 12 months of your life twisting yourself into knots by looking for 'evidence' of wrongdoing. Waiting for him to fall asleep, trying to guess email passwords and making yourself utterly heartbroken in the process; or

You can sit him down for a conversation, admit what you've done, tell him you don't trust him and ask him what he's going to do about it; or

Accept that you don't trust him, accept that without trust, it's impossible to have a healthy relationship and begin making plans for a future that doesn't include a DP who sends inappropriate texts to other women.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/09/2014 10:15

If you're at the stage where you're demeaning yourself trying to find incriminating evidence then your relationship is in serious trouble. No trust = chronic suspicion = miserable life. If he's given you reason not to trust him in the past and you've carried on regardless thinking you could get over it then I think it's time to accept that isn't working. Big conversation required about trust, openness and honesty.

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