Advice please ..

[Lostatsea77]

I probably posted this in the wrong section before so I'll post it in here ,
Hi all, I've come on here as I would like some advice - never posted before - and also wanted to keep anonymous as you'll understand when you read on..
I have been married to my lovely and caring wife for over 10 years, she is 45 and I am 37 and we have three great kids - all at school age. Throughout our relationship alcohol has played a big part. When I say that I mean we both enjoyed consuming alcohol although this became an almost nightly habit. On average we would between us get through three bottles of red wine every other if not every weekday night. At the weekend it would be a bottle of whiskey or gin on a Saturday and visa versa on a Sunday.. Then the cycle starts again on Monday. Over the last two years I have come to realise that this is a major problem not only on our finances but also our health.. We both put on a lot of weight but recently lost a great deal too through vlcd diets. Of course these diets have been strictly no alcohol so that's been fine - stuck to it no problem. Infact I get a sense of relief when the diets begin as there's no drinking. I really don't want to drink , I'm happier with a cup of tea than a glass of wine!! My wife however seems to put 'pressure' on me to drink. She says she doesn't but to me it feels like it. About a year ago I took myself to the docs to try and get some help but to be honest was embarrassed about the whole thing. I now don't look forward to weekends away or holidays because I know it will be all about drinking in the evenings to excess - much more than at home and then feeling pretty guilty every morning for not being strong. I am at the moment trying to say no but I am always getting 'do you want a drink tonight?' And being asked why I don't want to. To be honest it's becoming quite hard to cope with. I know people will say 'just say no!' But I'm sure there are others who have been in a similar situation too who find it so difficult when it's all the time. I have had discussions with her on a number of occasions about health and 'we really should stop drinking' but everything seems to slip back to where it was :/ any words of advice ? I know all about AA and all that stuff but she would never admit she has a problem. Thank you for reading

The 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

Would you call your wife an alcoholic?. Your wife is alcohol dependent and her alcoholism is affecting your life as well as your childrens now.
She is likely not to be sober the next day after a drinking session, she may well be taking care of them whilst drunk. She likely now has a high tolerance to alcohol and also badly underestimates how much she is drinking. Like many alcoholics she is in denial of her problem.

You have a choice re your wife now. Your children do not.

Do you want them growing up thinking that her excessive amount of alcohol consumption is normal?. What do you think they are learning about relationships from the two of you here?. You're enabling her and are co-dependent to boot. This does not help you either.

I would talk to Al-anon and attend their meetings if at all possible.

There are two issues here, IMO.
One is your wife and her relationship with drinking.
The other is your incapacity to say no to drinking.
What is actually stopping you from telling your wife that you don't want to drink anymore, that you feel better nor drinking and that if she wants to, she should take responsibility over it? Can you ask her not to ask you ever again if you want a drink?
Or are you actually using the pressure from your wife as an excuse? (you don't have to answer this here, this is for you to ask yourself, btw)

Thanks for your reply.. Yes I would definitely say it's alcohol dependency .. She works a stressful job and sees it as an unwinding tool but I'm seeing it more and more as an issue . I will look at some AA groups as you've suggested.

I do say I don't want to drink and have done on many occasions and even said I want to stop completely but that soon seems to get forgotten and I'm again asked 'are you having a drink tonight?' It's just the constant anxiety of saying no all the time that gets me down. Maybe I need to be stronger and take responsibility in myself. The other issue is I have no one else to discuss this with. I don't want to embarrass her by talking to anyone we both know if that makes sense

Are you capable of just having one glass?
Why does it make you anxious to say no to drinking? If she is too insistent, then you may need to tell her that you may need to get out to sort yourself out.
It must be really hard to stop drinking with increased pressure at home.

Not sure you should be contacting AA or Al Anon (different things, as Al Anon is for families of alcoholics), but you should definitely talk to a professional about this, as it looks like a complex issue.

Two possible suggestions

1. buy some non alcoholic wine so that when she wants a drink you can 'join' her but you don't have to compromise your desire to not drink. She may just want you to keep her company as many people don't like drinking alone.
2. could you suggest a little money box where you could put the money you save every week from not drinking (preferably both of you) and put the money towards a particular goal such as a little holiday so that there is some incentive to stop drinking and something to look forward to. It's hard to know if somebody really becomes alcohol dependant or whether it just becomes ingrained as a habit. Stay strong. I really believe that you can crack this.

I think you both have a problem of alcohol co-dependency. She sounds more enthusiastic granted, but unless she has a gun to your head you're responsible for your own choices and behaviour as well. It's more difficult to knock bad habits on the head when you're living with someone who is merrily carrying on so you either have to find a way to scare up more willpower and be assertive, or you have distance yourself from your co-dependent.