When did you know it was over?

[despicableshe]

When I was younger, I thought that I'd only divorce because of infidelity, violence or addiction, but now of course there's many valid reasons that a marriage doesn't work out. Only one friend (and MN due to a thread I started fairly recently) knows the how I feel about my marriage and I'm experiencing mixed feelings. On one hand, I am unhappy. On the other hand, we have occasional "happy" or "OK" times and wonder if I should stick it out after all, and there's 2 DC to consider.

Talking to him about how I feel rarely goes well, but if he has little regard for how I feel, maybe we shouldn't be "together" anyway?

When splitting up from a long term DP or DH, when did you know it was the last straw? When you did it, did you worry whether you did the right thing?
Cheers :)

How long have you been together and why is it that you feel unhappy? Do you think that maybe he is unhappy with the relationship too?

I knew it was the end when I just didn't care anymore, his lack of interest in mine and dcs life wasn't important to me anymore and I just carried on anyway. It took me a few years to leave, it had to be when I was ready and I knew when the time came,you will know when it's time to go - I have been amazed at the strength I have found, I don't regret it.good luck

OP I came on here this eve to write almost the exact same post.

We do have some ok/happy times but mostly it's bickering or just doing things separately.

I seem to swing between feeling sad or angry about the situation to feeling total indifference.

Perhaps I'm being cowardly - not actually taking that final step of saying "It's over".

With my first husband I knew it was over when I literally clung to the edge of the bed hoping I wouldn't even accidentally bump into him during the night, I hated him that much. He literally made my skin crawl towards the end (he was just awful with money and basically a lazy arse, I got fed up with it all).

With my second husband (!) he left me for someone else but it had been over a while before that in reality. .. I think the defining moment my love slipped to hate was when I found a microwave lasagne he'd half eaten dumped into the bathroom bin! I felt he had absolutely no respect for our home and it just tipped me over the edge.

Sounds daft but I think the most random things can really throw you over.

About 3 days ago when he told me 'you think, because you're a woman, that you're entitled to have an opinion but you're not'

Lovely.

I stayed with a cruel man for a long time. He cheated and blah blah - you know the kind of stuff. I clung on to that relationship for years. I knew it was over when I started looking at other men. I was completely exhausted with it all and realised my friends had given up on me. I literally cried every day several times. I logged in to a dating site and starting looking (much like when I hate my job and browse the jobs paper) just to reassure myself that there was something out there. I asked my partner for a break in the relationship as I was too cowardly to end it properly.

In the end I went on a date and the chap was so attentive etc. I realised what is been missing and told my partner I would not be coming back. I had a wild fling with this website guy. Sex was fantastic. Exactly the tonic I needed. Thoroughly recommend.

jenijones been together for 12 years. I don't think he thinks very highly of me, but I don't think he'd leave, things are suiting him just as they are at the moment. I try to address things, he deflects it onto me, accuses me of trying to have a "higher moral ground". If I piss him off, I hear about it all day. If he pisses me off, he stares at the TV or yells at me. Other people are beginning to notice his arsey behaviour; not just to me but in general. Mentioned counselling and he's not interested. I'm unhappy and resentful for many reasons but am mostly worried about the DC. I don't know if I'm strong enough to make the break - yet. And I also worry that a divorce won't be the answer to my problems, that the aftermath would be very unpleasant for me and the DC.

Thanks eeyoreandpooh I do find myself caring less and less about him. Sometimes I feel a bit guilty about this, but there again he doesn't show much interest in my concerns.

Ujjayi - wow I identified with every word of your post. Here's hoping things will work out for us and that we'll be strong.

Thanks everyone for your input so far :)

I had my head in the sand over the affair, thinking that I could make it work for the sake of the dcs, ignored the gas lighting and EA. Even asked him back.
What did it for me was the day that I finally realised he didn't give a shit about me, was quite capable of watching me in floods of tears without comforting me, had left me laying in bed all day when I was seriously ill and thought I was going to die and would never see my dcs again, and was quite happy to completely undermine me in front of the children.
I made him admit he didn't love me any more 'I still have feelings for you' - was that supposed to be good enough? (He was only ever nice to me when he wanted sex....)
Then I told him I didn't want to be with him any more and he needed to leave.

I went to write a card I'd previously bought him and when I read the words inside realised I didn't mean a word of it

When I realized I was better off as a single mum than being with a man who would never have any respect or love for me.

When I caught him in a bed with my best friend..

My old relationship was crap, no abuse or anything but we argued a fair bit. After 5 years he had changed, I knew it was over when I realised I had given up, the bickering had stopped, instead I just avoided him or didn't care when he was in a mood. I realised I wouldn't really be bothered if he met somebody else and left, if he moved out, didn't miss him when he was away visiting family. I had stopped feeling any emotion over him.

When I realised that I didn't love him anymore.

When I found myself joining in criticising him instead of defending him, I realised it was time to move on.

Best decision I ever made!

I can empathise with so many of you :( I feel like I'm making most of the day to day effort and I think he feels that he does, that I should feel lucky to have someone like him. No, he's not a cheater, I can trust him, good with money, no addiction issues. But those are things that grownups should be, right? I don't feel appreciated or cherished, my opinions aren't valued or sorted, he can be petulant when he doesn't get his own way, I do the bulk of the chores and childcare, put up with his moods and so much more. I find myself deliberately distancing myself from him. I hope I get the strength that those of you that did leave have.

When then 4yo DD called me a c**t. She had heard it so much it was normal to her. I ended it that day and haven't looked back.

I knew it was over when he told me he was leaving and I didn't care any more. We'd been through one cycle of him leaving and returning which had been harrowing. Second time around it was still upsetting but it was almost a relief.

Whatever the fate of your marriage, I hope you find a way to experience the appreciation, affection and respect you are currently lacking. You say you hope you get the strength. My experience is that, once they're gone, that's when the strength returns.

I ended a nine year relationship when I finally realised that he would never care enough. We lived apart for a year because I was doing a Masters in a different city. It was only an hour apart from each other, but he could never be bothered sorting out when to see each other, and I felt like I had to badger him constantly to tell me when we'd see each other.

My coursemates were all going home to see their boyfriends and it wasn't an issue at all. It was just normal.

After nine years, I just realised that it would always be like this. That it would also be me chasing him. That I'd always be the one making the effort. And I didn't want to be.

I still loved him at the time, so it was very hard to break it off, but I'm so happy I did, even if it was really difficult for a long time.

It was a really small thing for me but it made me think 'you actually don't like me very much do you '
Until then that was the one thing that I could rely despite everything we had been through and the fact that we had become just cohabitating friends.
That one thing started a shitstorm that I'm still in the middle of.

When my car broke down he had every excuse in the book as to why he couldn't give me lifts to work or help me look for a new one. He wouldn't lend me his car yet he was a named driver on mine. So I took the trains and buses instead, getting up at stupid o'clock to get to work for my 8am start. Yet when his car had died a few weeks into our relationship, I drove the length and breadth of the county helping him buy a new one.

I realised he would never do anything for me unless he absolutely had to.

And usually he would only do something for me because it also benefited him in some way.

For my birthday, a couple of weeks before we split, he bought me some presents from the shop at work. It was only when I opened some chocolate and it tasted funny that I realised almost everything was past its best before date and he'd got it all in the reduced section.

Fucking miser.