Any psychoanalysts that can help me please? It's a mystery and it's ruining my life

[Mereguemeringue]

Hi,
If anyone can help,I would be so grateful.

Basically whenever I am under a lot of pressure in a personal meeting the slightest negative comment makes me cry, not just a few tears but it opens up a well of sadness and embarrassment and I end up really sobbing.

The first time it ever happened was 20 years ago at uni, when in a group tutorial, a tutor said that I hadn't Put enough work in.

Since then it has happened at every job, always at reviews, or anything where there is a personal slight on my work.

It has held back my career, and I hate it. I want to be strong and empowered but it is like I have a switch and once it happened I remember every bad thing anyone has ever said about me.

I have tried counselling, hypnotherapy etc but I just want to understand where this has come from, is it a condition? Then maybe I can get the right help to change.

I have a long standing history of anxiety since childhood but this is the one thing that really let's me down

Thank you so much for your help

You recognise it as a problem. You want to change it. Those are key. I'd really recommend CBT. I'm not a fan of analysis or any kind of therapy which focuses on the past. You can't change the past, even if you understand it. And such analysis whilst helping us understand can leave us feeling helpless and furious (imo overly so) at parents or others in power who added to our feelings of worthlessness.

CBT is imho a far more empowering and emotionally mature route.

First you rationalise your situation.

E.g. When X says I tend to underprepare my work, he's onlysaying I tend to under prepare my work. He is not saying that in all aspects of life I'm a hopeless and worthless mess, so I will focus on exactly what he is saying and not catastrophise and generalise.

Next, contribute to the criticism with your own assessment, ensuring it is constructive. E.g. It's true I tend to leave things to the last minute. His criticism is fair and I will apologise and work on developing better time management. Or: I do prepare, but this isn't coming across, so I will ask him how much prep he'd expect someone at my level to put in, or what sort of presentation/behaviour he would think indicated the correct level of prep.

Try to think of these moments as problems that do have solutions and work with your critics to solve them.

There are some very good self help books that might be useful. Feel the Fear by Susan Jeffers is great at helping with what you describe. So is the first half of Feeling Good by Dr Burns. Also look at Mind Gym online which covers the basic CBT training (training your mind to respond kindly, accurately and in an emotionally balanced way to what life throws at you.) It really can turn your life around.

I used to feel like that because I came from a family that didn't openly argue so I lacked confrontational skills. At home we used to bite our tongue and things would get swept under the carpet. The next day it was as though nothing had happened. I still lack the ability to criticise my mum so I tend to inwardly stew and then direct any frustration at the wrong person (or go for a bloody long walk). As a teenager I works in shops etc that forced me to deal with the public which helped. I now teach secondary and also my skin is thicker I still crumble when colleagues or senior staff criticise.

Thank you ChinaMoon for taking the time to write such an in depth response. I will check out the books and site you recommend.

That'snotmyname. Yes we are a head in the sand type of family. Don't like to acknowledge difficult things.... I feel I don't have argueing skills, I just dissolve

Have you tried talking to management about the problem? There isn't a lot of funding around these days for soft skills training granted, but they might be able to pull a bit of cash together. Or maybe you could agree some slight adjustments to the appraisal process to make you feel more comfortable so you can achieve your optimal performance, for example could you exchange written feedback a couple of days before, to give you the opportunity to digest what is said and consider your response?

Oh, I feel for you as I had a similar problem for many years. I can tell you what I did (which helped me), but I'm no expert and have no idea if it was the healthy or right thing to do. I'm still not what I'd call emotionally healthy but at least I don't dissolve into tears at the slightest criticism any more.

I basically re-channelled the tidal wave of sadness into anger. Never outward! But in my head I would start swearing and insulting the person, really mentally spewing a lot of bile I never would in real life, and never knew I even had inside me until I started allowing it this way (I don't ever swear or shout in real life). "How fucking dare you, stupid bastard think you can break me down? Fuck you! etc etc" Its embarrassing to type but its an example.

What happened is that it stopped me from bursting into tears because I was suddenly furious instead of upset, and then the energy seemed to disperse fairly quickly so that a calmer inner voice could take over, "Oh come on, you know they're not a terrible person, maybe they have a point really."

Maybe it sounds crazy (heck, maybe it is), but it seemed to shortcut me from unstoppable tears to suppressed anger to being able to hear criticism rationally. Again, no idea if this is any kind of recommended method, and you'd have to be pretty sure you could hold onto your anger, but it worked for me. Good luck OP.

Disclaimer: I am not a psychoanalyst (but work in a related profession). I think perhaps this reaction has come from a limited emotional repertoire. So, if in your family, arguments and confrontation were not the done thing, then you had no outlet for angry emotions. The situations now that are causing you a problem is when your work is criticised, perhaps unfairly. Usually thinking that we are treated unfairly leads to anger. But if you have never learnt to be angry, or anger is completely unacceptable, then you can only find a way to express that as tears, which were perhaps more acceptable for you in your family and childhood.
Learning to recognise your emotions more accurately and descriptively would probably be a good start. So to decipher sadness from anger, frustration, guilt, shame, etc. And to recognise the thoughts that are present for you when you feel these things. So, yes, I agree with chinamoon that some CBT skills would help. And, also like InAnotherLife suggests, channeling anger appropriately sounds like it would help.
There is no guarantee you can stop the crying unfortunately, but that would be a start. Also, if you fear that you are going to cry inappropriately in a meeting, it could lead to a vicious circle and you are more likely to cry through fear. So if you can take steps to try and eliminate that fear, difficult I imagine, but maybe say to your manager, "I have this thing where I cry when I get a bit stressed" - then that could remove some of the fear, and maybe break the cycle.

Oh OP, I can really relate to what you are saying, and have done the same thing in business meetings as well. I also came from a very dysfunctional family, where issues were never discussed, where problems where solved by going from zero to shouting in a nanosecond, and where blame was always apportioned to the child. Not a great environment to grow up in.

As you can see, the above environment is really, really destructive to the self esteem of a child, and that child grows up to lack self esteem as an adult. What I found was reading the book "The Six Pillars of Self Esteem" by Nathaniel Branden really helped me build my self esteem and almost virtually stopped the tears in stressful situations. I also am now far more assertive than in the past, and no longer am the target of bullying. The book has some really simple exercises for the reader which change and improve the 'you-ness' of you, and thus your self esteem. Get the book, its a long term strategy, but so worthwhile.

I do this. All the time. Hate it.

Would love to stop it or control it somehow

china

While I agree with you in some respects I think it depends

I am actually the opposite end or the ruler so to speak.

I did cbt and it did nothing. The dr had an honest chat with me after and told me nothing I can do will help because your logic knows everything I'm telling you but your emotions won't match up.

She then recommended I seek in depth talking therapy about my past.

I would recommend joining a debating society. There you will see people arguing, disagreeing, criticising and surviving it, that will give you a model. Then you can practice your skills and as it's not work your career doesn't depend on it. I think it's a face the fear sort of situation where you need to practice it to move into an adult response rather than a child response. In the meantime might it help to have a few sentences ready in your head to save you in those situations? Could you say in those moments that you can hear the other person has a different way of going about things but that right now isn't a great time for you to discuss it and can they catch you the following week. That way you have time to digest their criticism, have your emotional response in private and think through a balanced adult response. I think you need to do it more. CBT is great short-term and is specific, if you want to find out where this comes from and work on the root of it then psychotherapy is the only way. Good luck and find your own way to kick balls!!!!!

What you are saying about no outlet for angry emotions really resonates with me. I cry when I feel there is an injustice and when there is any negative comment about me. I will take a look at the 6 pillars of self esteem book and cbt, and the debating society is a great idea that I wouldnt have thought of

I am very similar - I can't cope with negativity or criticism directed at me, I crumple. Recently I bought this book:

The Way to Vibrant Health [Kindle Edition]
Dr.Alexander Lowen M.D. (Author), Leslie Lowen (Author), Walter Skalecki (Illustrator)

it is fascinating, as it links body patterns (posture etc) to repressed emotions, and gives exercises to release bodily/muscle tension and at the same time access the emotions. I am slowly working through the exercises. The practise is called Bioenergetices. It might be worth a Google and a look.

Thanks Amiga, I will have a look x

Scrambledegg - yes, you're absolutely right. Different things work for different people. In my case, I was brought up in a house full of negative, critical judgements about other people and about ourselves, so I was wired to be down on the world, to take offense and overreact and catastrophise. Teaching myself to be calm and logical really helped.

But if you are already wired to be calm and logical but something is triggering you then I agree, therapy could help. I just loathed telling strangers about the most personal aspects of my life and I hated the way it seemed to nudge me towards blaming my parents, who were useless at times but not intentionally, so I really resented it stirring up judgement of them in me, when I'd far rather be forgiving.

I can also recommend books by Judith Orloff , The Ecstasy of Surrender, and Emotional Freedom.

chinamoon, your reaction and feelings about focusing on the past make absolute sense, but it does differ from person to person. In my case I've found it a relief to talk to someone about my childhood and get some sort of confirmation that it might have had an effect on me. I'd been refusing to let myself think that as it felt like making a big deal of nothing, and as a result had lots of feelings just under the surface that I didn't really dare look at, as they were too scary. Talking about those things, in my case, has made it feel less scary. I feel a lot more OK about my upbringing now, weirdly, like a ghost has been laid to rest.