Is this the end??

[RITAZZ55]

I don't know where to begin but to sum it all up, my husband and I have big problems in our relationship. Of course he probably would blame it all on me but I just feel like its him. He is really critical of me and cold towards me. I know he's not having an affair or anything but he just seems to get stressed at work and then take it out on me, although he will deny this. He criticises and is moody and a bit nasty and then when I get annoyed about it and pull him up he calls me a psycho and turns the tables and says that he is not being moody and that I am just paranoid and 'being a psycho'. I have two kids 4 and 7 who get really upset if we argue in front of them of course. We try not to do this but today we did and he has ended up going off to stay with his mate. I just wish he would leave for good but I know that would break my girls hearts. On the other hand I don't want to be miserable for the rest of my life. I dont know what I'm asking. I just feel so confused and hurt. I just want everything to be ok but it only ever is for a week or so before we fight again. When I first met his parents I was appalled to see his dad slagging his mum off in public and being really nice to everyone else. I feel like I am now getting that treatment because my husband is soooooo nice to everyone else outside the family and to his own family and employees etc.....but to me he is about 70% of the time a total . Thanks for letting me vent. I am keeping my chin up for my kids but inside I feel sick about the future and even tomorrow when he probably will return. I am 40 in a few weeks and married for 12 years. I just want life to be happy and uncomplicated.

If you just want life to be happy and uncomplicated then it sounds like you need to ditch this abusive tosspot.

All this constant fighting must be awful for you and for your DDs.

My advice would be to see a solicitor to get 3 mins free advice so that if you do decide to leave, you will know what the likely practical outcomes will be. Probably far better than you imagine!

I know that feeling of feeling sick about their return. I am so much happier single I can't even tell you!!

Good luck - you deserve better.

Hi thanks for the replies. Hamptoncourt, did you have kids when you left him? I just can't bare the thought of making them so upset because they love him so much. I just don't know what to do. And when we fight like this after a period of calm I start to feel like I miss the good times we had and maybe we can be like that again...but it never works. I don't know what to do. I just want it all to be ok and want him to appreciate me again instead of only seeing my faults. I don't know what is normal anymore and sometimes I feel like maybe it is just me and I should be happy with what I have because I have two healthy happy kids and a nice house etc etc. I have nobody to talk to about it. Sorry for the moaning!

Why would it 'break your girls' hearts' if he left you? They would and should still have a relationship with him! They will still see him, he is still their father. Just because he doesn't live with you all, doesn't mean he is lost to everyone forever...

They can be just as happy (if not more so cos you're not arguing - they pick up on atmosphere really easily) with 2 (calm) households.

Oh Rita I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. It sounds very much like what I'm going through - wanting to hold on to the dream and starting to realise that it is just a dream.
No advice but lots of sympathy for you tonight.

Thanks ninetynineonehundred....glad to know I am not alone but sad for you....tough times. I am envious of marriages that seem to be happy!

captainmummy....I say that because I have read so much about the negative effects of divorce on kids and can't really come to terms with doing that to the girls but you are right he would still be a huge part of their lives....but still I know if he didn't live with us the girls would be devastated.

Anyway thanks for the support. It's good to talk and hear people's perspectives. Deep down I just want my husband to be as he used to but I guess I need to give up on that. I am also terrified of going it alone. Anyway, thanks.

Whatever you decide good luck. I think there are lots of us in the same boat sadly.

It's a bit like looking at the clouds and they suddenly start to take shape so that vague discontent becomes more clear.
That process takes time.

OH thanks ninetynineonehundred. I feel better knowing that I am not totally alone in this! I live overseas and so am not near to my family and don't want to worry them from afar. I am sure they also have their own worries without me adding to them. And my 'friends' here don't seem that supportive. i appreciate you taking the time to reply and I wish you all the very best for your own marriage. Do you also have kids? I feel like it's having kids that makes it all so much more complicated. I love my kids dearly and am so grateful for them but equally the stress of knowing what's best for them when your marriage is in trouble is v difficult. Counciling although really expensive is our next step I guess. The thought fills me with dread though as I am sure my husband will bend the truth to seem the better person.

Yep to kids. Yep they totally adore him and yep that makes it 100 times harder.
Get counselling for yourself first. How you feel is important and should be explored separately, especially as you already think he will confuse things

Do you want to live with a bloke who calls you psycho? Apart from being abusive it misogynistic.

As for the negative effects of divorce, may be it's not the divorce that has the negative effect. It could just as easily be the behaviour within the relationship. Your H is already doing your children harm by calling their mother 'psycho' and putting you down in general. I would imagine your children would prefer to live in an environment without that happening.

Do you think your H would be fair to the children if you split up i.e. Would he see them regularly, not call you psycho when they are with him, provide for them financially etc etc or do you think he would continue the abuse?

Hi OP, Sorry I meant 30 mins free advice, not sure how much benefit 3 mins advice would be!!

Yes I had two DC, both of them love their Dad very much. He is still very involved in their lives and sees them 2/3 times a week. DD is older now but DS still sleeps over there every other weekend which gives me a break!!

I suspect the reason you are still there is in your statement that you are "terrified of going alone." Why is this? Millions of us do it, so what has happened to your self esteem that makes you think you cannot? Has your life with this man knocked the confidence out of you?Good way to keep you in your place isn't it?

You say you are living abroad and are away from your family. You really do need to see a solicitor to see what your rights are with respect to the DC and any possible relocation.

Best of luck.

I'm always sorry when I hear about little kids being held hostage in an unhealthy, angry, unhappy adult relationship. Kids love both their parents & want them to be happy. They get anxious & distressed when there's conflict. They often blame themselves for the shouting or they take it on themselves to make things better and make you happy again.

So whether you are together or apart, it's important that you treat each other kindly. Anything else, anything fake, and children suffer.

He sounds absolutely horrible.