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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Need some perspective - passive aggressive ex

8 replies

MadameLeBean · 06/09/2014 17:59

Is doing my head in! Took me to court to stop me moving away for my job (or he was saying dd should live with him), court found in my favour overwhelmingly that dd should live with me and that co parenting was not working, him and his wife essentially tried to undermine my role as her mother (they wanted me out of the picture, told me I couldn't offer dd a family environment as I was single at the time) & this was over 4 years ago

However he is rude and passive aggressive in spite of paying ZERO maintenance and the fact I pay for her to go and visit him regularly (£150 per month it costs me)

In court we agreed a "flexible" written arrangement whereby she would spend all half terms with him all of Easter and half of Christmas and summer on top of two visiting weekends per term.

Her (private) school have said that as a one off half term will be two weeks and he is acting like he is entitled to both weeks. We get little holiday time with dd so I have explained that the agreement was on the basis that half term is typically a week long, and that we would like to spend one of the weeks with dd but we will be flexible and he can choose which.

But I am dreading what his response will be probably to mess me around not confirm anything or change things and so screw up our plans, why did I try to be flexible and nice to someone that has zero respect for me?!! Aibu?

I also know I need to get him to pay his way and contribute maintenance but dreading this too as he will stop what little cooperation there has been and probably threaten legal action although neither of us can afford to go back to court

I wish I had not been so overly generous in court. Everyone I speak to is shocked he doesn't pay maintenance and he doesn't expect to. His view is that I moved away so I should pay for her to visit him which I do, but he contributes nothing financially to her except to pay for some of the travel (about 10% of the total cost).

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/09/2014 18:20

You have to get legal advice. I realise you're worried about the cost but what you are describing is unjust, unfair and almost certainly in breach of the court order. This isn't passive aggressive, it's manipulation. He knows your fears and is exploiting them for his own ends.

A lawyer will essentially tell him to pay up and obey the court... or else. Time to stop appeasing the bully

Sister77 · 06/09/2014 18:32

Stop being nice. It has got you nowhere so far.
Stop paying for the travelling as he pays no maintenance.
STOP feeling guilty you had to move (that's the impression I get from your op).
How old is your daughter?

MadameLeBean · 06/09/2014 18:45

He is not breaching the court order, all the court did was allow me to move away with her and be the resident parent

We have an agreement (no idea if legally binding) that was written by our solicitors immediately following the courts decision. regarding access, money etc

I voluntarily said I was asking for no maintenance (idiot I know) and offered to pay for over half the travel (idiot again) and offered him the lions share of holidays Shock

OP posts:
MadameLeBean · 06/09/2014 18:48

She is 9 now

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/09/2014 23:03

You definitely have to talk to a solicitor, work out what is legally binding and what isn't, and correct anything that is grossly unfair. You don't seem at all sure where you stand and unfortunately that ignorance is being exploited.

MadameLeBean · 07/09/2014 12:20

Thank you yes I am going to get legal advice

OP posts:
junemarie103 · 07/09/2014 14:05

even if its binding you can apply for a variation order for both contact and maintenance. discuss this option when you get legal advise.
good luck OP xxx

MadameLeBean · 07/09/2014 16:26

Thank you

OP posts:
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