I'm such a fucking idiot

[Hadagutsful]

I'm sitting in the car in a deserted industrial estate. I just totally flipped at DH because our house is such a fucking pigsty.

Worst thing is, it's not his fault.

He kept his cool with me for as long as he could but then eventually told me to go out if i find it that horrible.

I flounced. And told him to fuck off.

I am a horrible wife, mother and person. I know I have to go back and apologise again but I'm not ready to yet.

Sorry. Just practising.

I

It sounds like your frustration about the house spilled over and he was the choice target? You are right about it not being fair to him.
Perhaps try to do things differently...establish a routine for chores along with recalibrating expectations? tries to follow own advice

Yep. You are totally right that that's what needs to happen. I don't know why I couldn't be a grown up. This happens too often.

Do you have children?

Can everyone pitch in tidying up?

Seems unfair that you have flounced so the inference is that your husband should be tidying while you sulk.

Get back home and pitch in.

Drop a text, saying you're so sorry you flipped and the fault is yours not his. Say you're on your way back and am mortified and hope he'll forgive you.

Then go home now.

Ok first of all you aren't an idiot, it sounds like you are at the end of your tether.

So what's caused the house to get like this? How are chores divided? Do you feel that what you are supposed to do and what he is supposed to do is fair?

Do you have children and what age are they?

Yes the division of chores is fair. 3 DCs aged 5 and under so it's not surprising it's untidy. I guess in reality it's not that bad, just too much stuff. DH has already we tackle it one room at a time and clear out as much as we can.

Wifflewaffle, that's not right at all, I hope he's taking a break.

Already suggested *

Ok if I were you I would go for w coffee, take a break to try to calm down, then go home and apologise for the way you spoke and tell him you need to do something because the environment is stressing you out, so can you start together now with x room.

Three under 5 must be tough.

Yes but I recognise that we chose to have them so i don't feel like that's an excuse to be so horrible. I have apologised. He has (thankfully) said it's ok.

Choosing to have them doesn't make it easier to deal with them. I'm not a fan of this made your bed and lie in it mentality; you can love and adore your children and still find it tough sometimes (I do). I think you are being hard on yourself. Do you get a break from them sometimes?

You sound like you are overwhelmed and worn out. I had two under five and was tired a lot of the time which can make everything seem worse. It must be hard with three so small. I think your DH is right to tackle things a bit at a time. Maybe you two could work out together which room would help the most and do that first?

Probably not as often as I should. It's difficult to find sitters though. Our extended families work and/or have health issues. I guess we should ask around.

We all say things we don't mean in the heat of the moment - I can't believe there are many people around who have never lost their cool and lashed out verbally at whoever is nearest.

You've made a good start by apologising, and it's good that your DH has accepted it otherwise you'd be getting nowhere. Maybe not right this minute, but sit down with him and explain why you were so upset and angry and go through what you need from him, and ask what he needs from you. It's a two way process and if each of you feel you are doing a fair share then resentment should stay away. Go home, give him and your children a hug, take a deep breath and start afresh - good luck!

Was in yr situation sunday locked myself in bedroom as i had no help over weekend and no one bothered doing anything whilst i walked the dog. I though sod it i have reached my limit now and went and cried in the bedroom. Crying helps if you need to do that. And talking things through once all is calm. I hope you are ok now?...

Ok I'm going to try and phrase that as gently as possible.
I think apologising was the minimum you needed to do.
Finding ways to reduce the stress is a very good idea. Looking who is doing what and when, standard levels and most importantly if this is really the house that is the cause of stress and not something else.

But if the situation was reversed and my DH was getting so angry, shouting names at me to end up rushing out of the house, I would expect him to do more than apologising and finding solutions with me . I would feel that finding a solution for you not to get angry is back on my shoulder and somehow responsibility.
I would advise you to go and see your GP and have a word with him/her. Check that you aren't depressed (it can come out as anger) and ask for anger management course too. CBT might be another option to help you not get completely overwhelmed.

What I wouldn't do is to think it's somehow 'normal' to feel so overwhelmed and exploding like this.