Huge argument with dh, same old things - am I too critical?

[CocktailQueen]

Dh took DS to football today. He started playing for ateam last year - he's 7 - and loves it. Dh is vv competitive and shouts a lot from the sidelines - always encouraging things, never anything nasty or critical - thoug he can be critical of coaches and quite tactless in front of other parents. Today one of the dads was refereeing and dh shouted at him to do something about a bad challenge - one of the players on the other team had hacked down three of our players, our ref ignored it. The ref shouted at dh to shut up. Apparently the kids and other dads agreed with dh.

Then dh told DS not to tell me about the incident as he knew how he'd react. I was cross about this. Dh also said at lunch that the coach was useless and I as cross about that because it was in front of DS and it's totally inappropriate.

Anyway, after lunch - sorry this is so long - I had a word with dh about not shouting so much, and asked if the ref had said anything to him, and asked him not to tell DS not to say things to me, and he went mad, saying all I do is criticise him, that is always take other people's side over his and that he was sick of it. I was taken aback. And said, well, if I'm that horrible to live with and so critical then go, just leave.

So he went all hurt and vanished to our room. Tried to talk to him and he just won't back down, won't concede that I may have a point, just says that I can take DS to football from now on, blah blah. He says that's just the way he is and he's not going to change. He says he doesn't care what other people think, he was protecting the kids on our team.

Don't know where to go from here. I don't like taking DS to football with dh as dh shouts too much, gets too involved, thinks DS is brilliant. I don't know.

What should I do?

The coach's wife's text could be seen two ways.

One way is that's negative on your DH, just like how you perceived.

Or, that the problem is the "refereeing" if other parents and coaches agreed with your DH and that needs sorting out, not your DH's actions.

Re your comment:-
"The ref today is inexperienced and IMO not very good with the dc but he is qualified".

This above argument has more holes in it than a sieve. DH should let this man get on and do his job regardless of how supposedly "inexperienced" and "IMO not very good with the dc" in your view he actually is.

The referee job is not highly paid and such people actually like the game and bother to turn up every week during the season to referee games for children. No ref and coach - no game. It is people like your DH that make a sometimes challenging role even harder than it should be, no wonder some referees and coaches quit. Referees are there not to be shouted at by parents who either think they know better and/or cannot control themselves in front of others.

Your DH has certainly gone about this the wrong way and as a result of all this he is now causing you to feel even more embarrassed. The only one who should feel embarrassed is he and he likely feels nothing of the sort.

Your DH was annoyed with you questioning him because he feels he is right, he has to be right every single time. He has not apologised for his actions has he?.

I return to your earlier comment re him written at 14.13 which is in itself pretty damning. So why did you exactly write that?. This is not just about his behaviour at a football match.

Parents should realise the referee is there for the 22 kids who enjoy playing and not for them.

What came across to me on your OP is that your OH is overly critical of others, but does not really like to be criticised himself, which he accused you of.
How is he with you generally, or is his criticism directed only at refs and coaches?

There is shouting and shouting but looking at other sports (tennis or swimming) there certainly isn't any need to shout from the sidelines so don't agree with carelessdad on that one.

imo there two issues there. The behaviour of your dh on the sidelines which might or might not be appropriate on a footballer's pov. it's very hard to tell from what you've written. Is there any background issue behind it that makes you assume that your dh behaviour wasn't appropriate and over the top?
And what he said to your ds. That isn't on. There should never be anything like 'don't tell your mum' and comments about the coach being 'useless' aren't really helping either. As it stands, your ds might actually really like the coach and enjoy is time.
your DH seems to forget that his ds isn't a professional footballer and will probably never be one. The main and most important thing is for your ds to enjoy himself. Be safe when he is playing. and is learning the right attitude aka good sportsmanship.
Maybe you should start by prioritising what needs to change and the first point is what he said to his ds, esp the bit about not telling you.
Let the club sorting your dh reactions out. If it is that out of line, he will be told.