Can someone objectively tell me what happened to me?

[WowardHolowitz]

Hi all, am a regular but have name changed as I really don't want to be outed.

So I was just reading a thread and someone made a comment about most women experiencing sexual or physical assault of some kind at some point in their life. I don't know if that's true but it did make me question something that happened to me.

I was in my late teens, I had met someone on a holiday and I kept in romantic/sexual-ish contact with him, we'd hooked up on the holiday but were not exclusive or in a relationship. A couple of years later I was travelling and stopped off in his country to see him for a week before going on to my next destination. He surprised me and met me at the airport, got a cab with me to the hotel I was staying at, but couldn't stay long because he had to get back to work. I'd been travelling for a good few days, I wanted to have a shower and shave and get changed- generally freshen up so I told him that he should go to work, and come round and see me afterwards once I wasn't as jet lagged etc. I'm sure you can see where this is going...

He insisted we have sex, I kept saying no again and again and he kept begging and pleading, asking me to give him oral sex at least, that sort of thing. I did want to have sex with him, the week was basically going to be a massive sex fest, we knew that already. He didn't physically force me into anything, but he did keep pushing me. I was turned on, I was attracted to him, but I didn't want to have sex at that time. Eventually I gave in and we had sex.

How would you describe what happened? I didn't tell anyone about it because of the same old "didn't want to make him look bad" especially given that later in the week he was pretty awful to me and had I told anyone (none of my friends had ever met him due to the circumstances in which we met) about this on top of the other things... I don't know, I guess they would have said things about him that I wasn't prepared to hear.

It is called sexual coercion. It isn't seen as rape exactly but I personally think it's pretty bloody close. I'm sorry you went through that.

By the way, he was totally in the wrong and a disgusting excuse for a man. He should have accepted your first refusal.

It's technically sexual coercion. At best it's a level of persistence that shows a very disrespectful attitude even if you didn't feel particularly threatened at the time. Was it a long time ago? Does it bother you? Has it affected the way you feel about yourself? Future relationships?

Yeah I thought so... I kind of brushed it under the carpet with all the other crap he put me through and didn't think about it. He did a lot of things that made me have a very low self worth.
It was two years ago. I don't think about it a lot to be honest, in the week I was there he went on to do lots of things that felt a lot worse than that so I kind of pushed it to the back of my mind. I think I was protecting the image I had of him in my head from myself as well as my friends, I didn't talk about it so I didn't think about it if that makes sense? He did make me feel pretty worthless, but I've since cut him out of my life and just the act of doing that has made me feel better. I haven't had a serious relationship since, I've dated a bit but I can't really tell. I have huge self-worth problems, which I think he exploited, I'm overweight but I can't tell how attractive I am, from someone else's perspective. I don't know if you'd meet me and like me but not be sexually attracted to me, or would you? So it's hard for me to meet new people because I don't want to make a fool of myself- I don't know if I look older or younger, if you'd meet me and want to date me... This guy told me he really liked me, he was very comfortable around me, and that we could have a go at being in a relationship if I lost weight and basically turned myself into a gym bunny because otherwise he couldn't let me meet his friends.

Oh dear. It does sound like sexual coercion was just one of the methods this disgusting person employed to emotionally bully and abuse you. Wouldn't let you meet his friends? And I suppose he was an oil painting?.... That kind of horrible experience is very crushing & can leave you doubting your judgement & lacking in confidence, even if you were pretty robust in the first place.

You clearly are very preoccupied with seeing yourself through the eyes of others and I see you recognise it as a problem. If your self-esteem has been damaged and you pin all your self-worth on 'what do others think of me?', 'how attractive am I?' etc that's a vulnerable position to be in. A stronger position to be in is to tell yourself 'I am a terrific person and anyone I choose to be with is bloody lucky!'

There are ways to boost confidence and self-esteem. There are techniques to help you be more assertive. Counselling may help you. As you're also the survivor of an abusive relationship you may benefit from checking out the Freedom Programme.

Thank you Cog, sorry it's taken be a while to respond. He was good looking, but nowhere near as good as he thought he was. He had his own demons, a combination of thinking he was far better than anyone else and at the same time deeply insecure and constantly trying to prove himself to everyone around him.

I do have friends that I met on the holiday who he knows, they are his friends too although not especially close. I don't know if this is relevant but they are girls and I know 100% they think a huge amount more of me than him. I told them some of the better bad things he did to me, but I was still protecting his image. Should I tell them? I don't know what they'd do with the information. Should I tell my friends here who don't know him and despise the image they have of him without knowing this? Should I stick to the Freedom Program?

I know I am vulnerable right now. But I am having other problems too, sex problems, that I'd like to work through with someone I'm in a relationship with and trust. I lost my virginity at 14, right guy wrong time, we were both pressured into (we got into serious trouble at school, nearly expelled, and the whole school knew exactly who is I was and decided that I 'owed' it to him to have sex with him because he had risked so much 'for me'. The social pressure was enormous, everyone kept asking if we'd done it yet and pupils four years older than me or so used to tell me they "fucking hated me" because my boyfriend was so well liked and i owed him). Now I have this feeling that while I enjoy sex, it's almost like an out of body experience, it's happening to someone else and I'm just waiting for it to end. An orgasm is completely out of the question. I'd like to meet someone and work through this, but I feel like expecting someone to be attracted to me is ridiculous. I already feel abnormal and like the way I look is something that people would put up with if they liked my personality enough. "Yeah she's not the best looking girl but she's really nice" type thing. That no one could ever love me a lot because I'm not attractive or stylish or any of the things that seems to be a must in order to date anyone.

That 'almost out of body experience' you describe is called 'dissociation' and it's caused by trauma. I don't think meeting the 'right guy' will help for the moment, you would just experience the same thing with him.

I think you need therapy to address these traumatic sexual experiences, and also to work on your self esteem.

There's a certain type of guy who tell you if you went to the gym they'd date you, a guy said that to one of my best friends who is drop dead gorgeous. They just don't like women & make themselves feel better by treating women badly. He had no reason to coerce you into sex, he did it because he likes it like that. You never have to deal with him again.

If you think it would help to selectively share your story, then feel free. Make sure anyone you talk to is trustworthy and fully supportive, however. You don't want to be the subject of hurtful gossip as that will only add insult to injury.

Your backstory of sexual problems, repression and low self-esteem is very complex and sounds deep-seated and badly affecting your life. You'd definitely benefit from personal counselling rather than trying to work it through with a boyfriend. As you've already found, it's too easy for cruel people to take advantage of vulnerability

Sorry, I didn't mean to drip feed I just thought it might be relevant. How do I work through it, how do I get counselling? I really didn't think i have suffered any trauma, or just the coercion, but the feeling of dissociation has been there since before that began. I thought I was pretty much normal. Oh god there is so much I assumed was normal about me and happened to everyone else- health problems and now this- and it is coming to light that that is abnormal too.

Twinkle you've hit the nail on the head. He just doesn't like women. I've heard the way that he talks about other women, I thought he thought I was different. Clearly I was wrong! I will never speak to him again, I've blocked him on our most common method of communication and he is too arrogant to try to find out what happened. I wouldn't respond if he did.

You are absolutely completely normal. Nothing that you have described here is out the 'norm', what happened at school and with this guy happens to many many women.

To get counselling you go to your GP and ask for it. You're generally allowed 12 sessions on the NHS.

If the dissociation started before any of these sexual experiences, what kind of childhood did you have? Did you have any difficult, painful experiences?

People assume trauma to be caused by multiple car pile ups and war zones, but actually it can just be a response to an experience of overwhelming stress of some kind. Often people don't notice the cause because they numbed it or dismissed it at the time.

Anyways I've got to go to bed.