How to stop my "Buts" messing with my DCs self esteem?

[MyFirstName]

Been thinking a lot recently about my childhood/how it has influenced my parenting approach. A chatty thread yesterday about what we are good at also struck me - I find it very difficult (as do many of us) at praising anything about myself. One of the things I never had as a child was unconditional praise. Particularly from my father. And it was because of the fucking "buts".

Brilliant/good/positive school report or parents evening - about behaviour? "Well Done My, but it is shame you cannot behave so well at home".
Brilliant/good/positive school report or parents evening about achievement? "Well this is good but what about your xyz subject".
Cooked a nice meal? "Great sauce but the veg needed more seasoning".
Tidied my room? "Good, but don't let it get like that again."

I could go on. I now do it to myself. Anything I do...if I can bring myself to feel proud of I always have a "but" ready. I have crap self-esteem. I have suffered on and off from anxiety for 10 years or so. The incessant buts surely contributed to this?

I know I need to let go if it. I can let go of it (positive thinking here My). I am learning to list my achievements and positives each week (counsellor's suggestion). Am still not great at the self praise/self love . I am travelling in the right direction.

My biggest concern though is I find myself doing it to my DC. Not as much. Not as unremittingly as my father did. I want better for my DC. The big bad world smacks you with the "buts". School gently suggests the "buts" (ways to improve, what's next etc etc) which is appropriate. At home they should be surrounded by love and support.

Not sure why I am writing this, or what I hope to get from it. If anyone has any insights into how to change the habits that would be great. Any hints as to how to help my DCs have great self esteem?

Are there any other bad habits from your childhood that you strive not to repeat? How are you managing?

I'm sorry you suffer with low self-esteem. However, I think it's too simplistic to attribute it solely to one aspect of the way you were raised. My perspective is that there is a time for unconditional gushing praise and there is a time for constructive criticism. Also, everyone is motivated differently, and some people (adults as well as children) need more of one than the other. Give nothing but unconditional praise, after all, and you might end up with a person with a very deluded idea of their own capabilities and who crumples the first time they find out the awful truth that they're not perfect/a great singer/Nobel Prize material

I get it wrong a lot. DS lacks confidence in certain areas so I make a big thing of telling him he's terrific. What do I get in response?.. ... 'you're just saying that because you're my DM'. In other areas he's rather complacent and needs a kick in the pants. Constructive criticism all the way.

Mix it up.....

Buts and shoulds! I should have tried harder. I should have been quicker.

I started counselling this week and the shoulds and buts are what we were talking about in relation to my rubbish self esteem.

I think that if you use praise when it's due then it is a good thing. Other times I try and get them to reflect on what happened by using things like how, what and why. How did you feel? What might you change?

It's a tricky thing to get the balance right. I just know I don't want my DS's to always should and but themselves when they are older!

Cogito I know it is all more complex than just the "Buts". All kinds of other stuff happening too. And there were some great bit too.

Two things though stick with me - the praise I can remember most from my childhood was one with no ifs or buts. We had been out for lunch in a posh restaurant. A couple came over to my parents and said that they should be so proud of DSis and I as we had behaved beautifully with perfect manners. We were about 7 and 5 yo. Parents shared this with DSis and I. No ifs, no buts. Just a well done we are proud of you. I remember the praise. There was a well done. No ifs, no buts. I still remember how amazing I felt. I was 5.

And my wedding day - father's speech. Yep I am sure there were the bits about me being brilliant - but I remember the teasing, dissing comments. The "But she could have tried harder" bits.

So far with my DCs I think I have been over-critical. No. I know I have been over-critical. Over-picky. My DD is now alarmingly self-critical at 8yo. I do not know how much of this is norma, or how much is down to actually not enough unconditional praise. I am not going to suddenly praise the un-praiseworthy (Wow, what an amazing abstract jam pattern you have smeared all over the breakfast bar ) but I know I need to re-programme myself to stop the buts and, yes the shoulds too. DH and I are good at helping DCs take and experience and learn from it, discuss it. Laugh about with DCs it if it helps soothe some of the pants bit of not-quite-succeeding. Sometimes just a hug. Often I find though it is this little, day to day stuff I am butty, shouldy and picky. .

Saying all this, DD is showing signs (like me) of moving to a different mind set since I have been in councelling and changed some of my behaviour for the better. She is becoming more positive. Easier to talk into not beating herself up about not achieving something - and instead to focus on the positive and what she could do differently next time.

I am aware if I get tired and crotchety though the buts come back.

Has anyone got a magic wand to help me please?

MrsMinton good luck with the counselling. It is a cliche to say it is an emotional rollercoaster - and like many cliches...fits. I have found it totally worth it. Once session in particular I left 15 minutes early just because I needed to come home and get the most enormous hug from DH. and cried and snotted all over him. My life is considerable better for the whole experience. More self aware. More self-forgiving. Wayyyy more positive. And happier.

Google descriptive praise and reflective listening. I was introduced to them by someone who I approached for some help parenting. She believed that they were very easy ways to build self worth, encourage further effort and keep channels of communication open. She said that they are valuable in all relationships, with your kids, your partner and at work.

Thank you MyFirstName

You might like to read Alfie cohen's unconditional parenting. It talks about praise and reward / criticism and punishment and builds a convincing case that issues like this aren't down to lack of external / unconditional praise more down to external judgement in any way, positive or negative.

I'm trying to go for intrinsic motivation and satisfaction for my kids as I have felt that even lots of praise can have an unexpected effect. Some kids (me!) then go on to seek external validation of all their achievements rather than following what they know to be right / good inside. Or some become afraid to try new/hard things as they might fail and the negative would be too much to bear. Not sure I'm making myself v clear but the book is pretty good.

Yy to descriptive praise / acknowledgement of effort over result.