Rejecting sex

[DancingDolly]

Feeling confused about this at the moment. Mostly everything is good in our relationship. We've been together 15 years, 2 primary age children. I imagine we have a fairly usual scenario in that he'd like to have sex more often than me. When we do have sex it's good, but to be honest I am the one who holds the power in that respect I.e I decide if we're going to have sex depending on whether I feel like it or not. All well and good you might think, but it does result in my DP being rejected a fair amount of the time.

I know if it was the other way around this would probably really affect my self esteem etc. So this morning he was cuddling up behind me in bed, getting hard, wanting to take things further. Children still asleep, perfect opportunity, we haven't done it for a while. I just felt cosy, tired, I needed a wee - not sexy. I could have responded and allowed myself to get aroused but...I couldn't be bothered Eventually he realised all efforts were futile and rolled back over his side. 2 mins later he got up.

I'm left feeling like a bitch tbh. I know I don't have to have sex if I don't want - but I also know that the way it works with me is I need to make the effort to feel sexual/aroused, and often I don't make the effort.

Not sure what I'm asking here, just wondering if anyone has been in similar situation. What's the answer?

I've been in a similar situation and it didn't particularly end well as my then DH interpreted it as 'Cog holding all the power' and it went downhill from there. I think you need to talk about this. The scene you paint is one where nothing was said at all. You felt x.. he did y.... culminating in 'eventually he realised'. No words exchanged. There's far too much room for interpretation and that's when people start making things up to fill the gaps.

So talk. Talk about how you both feel. Talk about how to be more intimate without necessarily having sex and listen to what each other is saying. You find a way to articulate 'I'm tired, cosy and need a wee....' that reassures your partner that he's still loved and desired. Him find a way to articulate what it is he's thinking and feeling that doesn't make you feel like you're under any pressure.

Talk

I might get flamed for this but if he wants more (and isn't being a bastard about it) and you love him and could let yourself get aroused then I'd say go for it a bit more often. I sometimes feel like you in that I could take it or leave it more than him but it makes him happy if I make the effort to respond and usually I end up having a good time too.

I agree with Cog and John here. Talk to him about how you feel. Also, I do know what you mean about having that can't be bothered feeling, because sometimes I think I might like sex but the foreplay is a bit of a faff. What I did last time my BF and I were spooning first thing in the morning and I felt him get hard was use a little lube on myself and start having gentle sex in that position. I've heard of some women saying they have to really make the effort to get in the mood, but once they start it's like a switch is flicked and they're up for it. Perhaps try that (assuming you still love him and would like to keep the intimacy of sex going)?

I get this quite a lot. I realised recently it's because I'm not really thinking about the stages, I'm jumping to the assumption "he wants sex and I don't want sex right now.
I talked to
DH

Argh can't delete on phone.

And realised I enjoy sex more when I'm vert relaxed and not thinking "oh but I'm tired" or "its going to take too long" or "im going to have to clean up". So he asked me, do you want sex and I said no. Asked me do you want to cuddle and I said yes and we cuddled. Actually it lead to a kiss and then sex and I did want it. It was just I had been skipping ahead in my mind and assuming I didn't without living in the moment, ie, am I happy with/enjoying/wanting what's happening right now. And knowing that I have rhe right to stop it at any time helps me to do this. Of course it doesn't work if you're with someone who would get arsey or whiny. Some of my exes were like that which is why I think I interpreted every cuddle as "sex now plz".

Thanks for responses all. Good points - we do need to talk more in the moment I think and I totally identify with what Bertie says - in my mind I'm jumping ahead thinking, not sure I want sex, how long will it take etc etc. Instead of just being in the moment a bit more. Have this problem a bit in the rest of my life as well - need some mindfulness!

Not sure how to start the conversation with DP - if I go and hug him now he'll probably interpret that as me picking and choosing the intimacy as usual!

I am completely turned off by a stiffie nudging my back when I'm half asleep and needing a pee and have early morning furry teeth, but I've taught myself to remind myself how lovely it is when we get going - then I immediately start getting interested (but still need to have the pee first).

Could you talk to him in general and say "i know it's silly but" and explain that you quite often jump ahead mentally and then think "but I don't want sex now!" And have to remind yourself that he's not asking for sex right now he's just asking for a cuddle or whatever.

Awkward I guess. Actually we ended up talking because we had sex one night when I was a bit drunk/tipsy and i said something like "aah, that's what sex is like when I'm not overthinking everything" and then the next time, he asked me how he can help me not overthink.

Thanks Bertie, I think I'll frame it like that. I know I can be a bit of a cold fish sometimes - but as you've said, if I didn't always imagine it leading to sex I might be more inclined!

The silly thing is that once I get into the moment I usually end up wanting sex. It's just that skipping ahead makes me put barriers up. It's much more enjoyable when I don't do that so I'm trying to train myself out of it.

It might not even need a talk as such but you do need the reassurance if you don't have it already that he's not going to be in a grump if sometimes you just have a cuddle and kiss and no more.

I have a thing as well that sometimes we have a moment where we're free and DH is straight up "do you want sex?" or I'll indicate that I am interested in having sex and then he wants me to start and I suddenly feel so awkward like I don't know what to do.

It's like I can't mesh everything together in my mind. Sex is a thing, cuddling is a thing, foreplay is a thing. They're part of a spectrum or a scale which usually starts at the bottom but doesn't always go all the way to the end. But you can't (or at least you can't usually) go from nothing to sex just like that in one second. So when cuddling and/or foreplay happens I get anxious thinking "I have to have sex but I don't feel ready, I don't want it, it's a hassle" etc etc. I forget that 1, I don't have to have sex at all and 2, this is part one of a process and by the time we get to the end I probably will be ready and want it. (And if not, back to point 1!)

Similarly if I have to start I feel like I should be jumping right in at the sex part or halfway through the foreplay part and forget that things like kissing etc come first so end up stalling like "argh I don't feel aroused/ready enough to do X yet but I don't know what to do to get there"

I have no idea if I'm just fucked up because of previous crap sexual experiences/relationships which weren't particularly healthy or whether this is just a bit of a mental block for me along the lines of social interaction in general. I have no idea why I have to analyse it this much and I'm sure that most people don't need to do that, but understanding what I'm doing does help me to relax a bit more and follow a more "normal" path of how it works.

How often do you feel like doing it OP?

Feeling much better this morning! It was eating me all day yesterday and then I just bit the bullet and said, 'about this morning' and told him how I'd been feeling. Unsurprisingly we ended up having great sex last night something very sexy and freeing about honesty!

Like I said in previous post, I can be quite uptight and controlling generally, it's become my way of coping since having kids I think and it may have slipped over into our sex life. He's not pressuring in any way whatsoever, we actually had a conversation about the fact that an erection can feel like a pressure that the encounter has to end in sex or orgasm for me - not exactly his fault, but he was able to reassure me that's not the case.

it's become my way of coping since having kids

What do you mean?

Yay! Sounds like a productive discussion

Sounds like I'm too late to the thread(!) but as I was reading I remembered the same situation in our relationship. What helped us was tonnes of talking, firstly. Secondly, we put steps in place to help me get in the mood. For us this meant me having half an hour in the bath to relax, clear my head and feel fresh. DP tidied up the bedroom and then had a shower whilst I got out, dried my hair etc and opened a bottle of wine.

Another common piece of advice is that helps to rule out sex and agreeing that for X number of weeks it's cuddling, massaging etc only.