I think my ex was a narcissist. Anyone had similar

[lilu13]

I am 2 months post break up and finally feeling like me again ... YAY...

However I was chatting with a friend today and I was telling her about the break up etc and she said sounds like a f**cking narcissitic prik to me.

So I proceeded to google traits of narcissits and I honestly think she could be right

Here is my little list;

Authoritive
critical of others especially me all the time - he however could not take critism
In competition ALL the time - did he have nice muscles, he was the fittest, the best at running, the best looking bla bla
did not seem to care about my feeling, would check out girls all the time.
I worked and he stayed at home on his "online game" as he was the leader and had to win all the battles
Completeley selfish in bed - i mean COMPLETLEY
told me it was like living on egg shells with me
made me feel insecure, crazy
had problems with anger as a child, self harmed
has odd relationships with his family members (they fell out although the other family member doesnt really know why)
Feels like he has been wronged in life and has bad luck
told me his ex GF was mental
EVERYTHING was my fault his only fault was time spent on his game

I thought he was perhaps a bit immature but I think something is eating away at him. I'm so glad he has gone now... On to the next poor girl

Before I met him he had a failing job no car, no place. And he left where he was living to live with me. He has now left to live with another so I say good luck

The initial discard was horrific though - I was actually heartbroken

Anyone ha anything similar or could it just be he was a little immature..

Thanks for listening

Yup. That all sounds familiar.

He was only nice to me when it made him look good. Likewise, he paid attention to the DCs mostly when he wanted to appear a good father. To someone that mattered.

Read Alexandra Nouri. She's brilliant. Very therapeutic.

Why does it matter? I'm not asking that to be confrontational, just really think about why it matters to you.

It doesn't sound like "something is eating away at him" he sounds selfish, immature and very unpleasant. A bit of a dick, in fact. I have no idea why so many men are so vile. I suppose there must be plenty of equally vile women, too, though...

He's just a dick.

Sadly, there are a lot of them around.

You are well out of it. And I think that when you are finally you again, you won't give a shit about him or why he is the way he is.

And "onto the next poor girl" isn't a very nice sentiment It just makes you sound bitter.

I agree with the PP... what's in a name? Self-absorbed twat? Narcissist? Emotional bully? Sociopath? Immature prick? Unless you're their health professional, it's all rather academic. The main thing is to identify & remember the behavioural traits well enough to make sure that, if you meet anyone even mildly similar, you apply the toe of your boot to their derriere before they have chance to hurt you. :)

Wow folk girl.. Te thing is it doesn't matter but I'm sure after a break up you still have feelings to sort through and sometimes want to make few of a few situations. But thanks anyway

Yes that is what I was thinking you know recognising the traits in case it happens again. And I wouldn't wish anyone to go through it.

It does matter - you have to make sense of the past in order to avoid the same mistakes in the future.

I thought there was nobody like my H until I found out about narcissism. It was liberating just knowing that there were people out there who understood what it was like living with him. And reading up about it helped me to see how unlikely it was that he would change, which helped give me the strength to leave him.

And yy to feeling like me again - it's great to be free!

It does matter, definitely. Understanding what the fuck was going on in your relationship when you've endured years of horrific bullying, conditioning and gaslighting that has almost destroyed your soul is very healing and really helps you on the road to recovery. Folkgirl that post was very unkind.

Yes...I needed to know and understand. I have a very deep understanding now, and am astonished on a daily basis how utterly disconnected these people are.

I found it very therapeutic FOR ME, to really believe that it was NOT me, it was most definitely them, and how and why that as true.

It is true that there are LOADS of these types around, and my understanding has helped me to spot them early, and if necessary deal with them without allowing them to inflict their reality and chaos onto me.

My point was only that you would recognise the behaviours whatever label they were given.

Of course you need to work through you feelings, but devoting energy to deciding what label to attach to explain those behaviours is a waste ofyour time.

What was unkind about it?

Yes reading about it has certainly helped. I think I was an easy target but I will continue to work on myself and my dc's which is all anyone can do. I feel silly now looking back and reading about it more has helped me understand better. It ha been like a jigsaw fitting together.

I am glad I am not the only one and what I meant was I was that poor girl. I was low (still can be) lacking in self esteem and when he came along and swept me off my feet I thought wow!!!!
I don't feel bitter but I do feel embarrassed at times.

Well first off, you were dismissive. Then you told her off and said she sounded bitter. He probably has moved on to the next poor girl.

I think it probably just came over wrong tbf.

Clearly!

I wasn't being dismissive, OP, I'll tell you my reasoning for what I said. I'm not generally known for being unkind or a bitch on here

My mother is/was a very unpleasant individual (read your OP and imagine your mother being like that!). I first made efforts to cut her out from my life 10 years ago. I finally succeeded 2.

I won't go into all the details here, but I have wondered if she had Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder or any other number of things that might explain why she did and said the things she did. I've researched them and I've completed assessment tools, I've debated and discussed with my friends and other family... Going round and round in circles.

It was really important for me to understand why she was doing it. I thought it was important in order for me to move on.

But do you know what? It wasn't. The longer I am NC with her, the less important it is. The more I do to refind myself, the less important it is.

That's all I meant. Don't get so bogged down in trying to find reasons, explanations, 'diagnoses' that you waste time of your precious life doing so. If you found out he had NPD, it wouldn't mean he was any less of a dick to you. The impact on you would be no less. And it wouldn't help you recognise similar behaviours in others. In the short term, it would help you feel like you had some control, at least mentally, but it wouldn't mean anything really. Except perhaps the validation that you didn't 'deserve' it and he couldn't help it. But you didn't deserve it anyway.

And as for the poor girl comment. If it was meant with then fair enough. But I heard it in my mother's voice which was spiteful and always took pleasure in someone experiencing the same misfortune as she had. So perhaps I'm not yet as far away from her as I thought...

I think that's so true, FolkGirl, that the best way to move on is to go NC, with your thoughts as well as your actions.

I can imagine that's much harder with your mother, who's always been around, than it is with an ex-partner.

That's ok I don't want to be bitter or seek revenge or anything. I will continue my no contact which seems to be the best solution. My sister is bpd and is very difficult to understand some of her behaviours. I actually feel like the mean one for doing no contact but it's just so I can heal and move on. Appreciate the responses. I think it helps.
I have only posted on here once before about a child issue and that was a long long time ago. I have read a few posts but I must admit it seems much more controversial now, where as before more supportive. Or maybe that's just me. Thanks for the replies :)

I found it hugely helpful to know why my ex behaved the way he did. I, like you typed the behaviours into google and suddenly it was as if scales had fallen from my eyes. I could see his behaviour being described as if by someone who knew him and I realised that he was incapable of love. It still took me three months to leave him even though I had sussed him, I thought I could play him at his own game (kind of have my cake and eat it) but I gradually realised that it was not worth it.

In the end it was the triangulation that got me, the "other" that he loved to tell me about, how she was devastated that we were together, how she was just a tragic lonely old woman and he was just doing her little favours to keep her happy enough to leave everything to him (yes, he really said that). When the moment came I was able to dump him and walk away knowing that this time I was never going back. I left him literally dripping with a pint of beer that he had wheedled out of me being "emabarrasingly short of readies this evening", I have never poured a pint of beer over anyone before but I took great delight in doing this over him. He was left dripping, flicking drops off his carefully donned vintage jacket and his nasty dyed hair in rats tails round his face. I know- it was not dignified on my part, but discovering that he had been lying and cheating felt even less dignified.

I read a lot about this disorder afterwards, I needed to understand it and why I was picked as his victim and why I was so easily sucked into his web. Finding out was actually cathartic for me. No contact is the only way to disengage from people like this and for me it also meant NC with friends that I realised were colluding with him. Two years on I am still fragile and cannot bear to think back to that time but I am healed enough to be willing to be open to a new relationship.

Work on yourself is good advice but so is knowing the red flags. My gut told me from the first minute that he was a wrong un but I would not listen. Now my instincts are listened to and acted upon and I thank a greater power for getting me out as soon as I did.