So lonely in my marriage

[breakingthebank]

Don't know what I want from this post but just need to vent I suppose. I've been married for 10 yrs & we have 3 dcs.

I feel so alone in my marriage. Dh is not good company unless he feels like it. Today he's been sulking cos a direct debit has bounced from his account and we've no money to cover the charges. As a result he's been moody since coming home from work and has now gone to bed.

I'm sitting here alone again after cleaning up the kitchen, feeding dog, sorting washing and making up baby bottles. He'll be working tomorrow morning and we'll then go to my parents where he'll no doubt spend most of the time sitting in the car outside listening to the radio as usual What a life!

Yes, I've been lonely in my life, many times. But never so lonely as when I was married.

Sitting in car is so rude!

Hugs

I felt exactly the same in my marriage. I now live on my own with my 2 DCs and have never been happier :)

I often think it'd be so nice to spend an evening sitting and chatting with someone who actually has something to say (that doesn't just involve being negative about my family or friends). On the odd occasion when I go out with friends he will NEVER be up when I get home (its only about 11.30pm). Would be nice to get in and have someone show an interest in my night.

Yes it is incredibly rude that he sits out in the car at my parents house but I've given up caring because when he's in the house with us all he just sits in silence anyway.

Happy to hear there's more to life than this and pleased for those that have escaped

you are not alone.Realistically being married isnt a cure all for all lifes problems and part of me thinks it is natural to feel bored or lonely in marriage or if you are single but i sure know what you mean about decent conversation and affection.If i didnt have my part time job i would be very lonely at times.I am also pleased to hear others are happier after escaping too :)

I feel exactly the same, this is how my husband treats me too.
It's terribly lonely and random people being nice to me upsets me as I miss affection so much.
I am nearly ready to leave, I hope you find the answer you need.

What an incredibly rude and childish way for an adult to act.

Have you spoken to him about this at all?

God, why on earth would you want to stay in a marriage with a useless twat like that?

I was pretty much "he sounds like a dick" up until you got to the point where he sits in the car when you visit your parents. Then I just began to wonder why on earth you are still married to him.

I was in a bad relationship, I got rid of Ex and got two cats :) I rarely feel lonely.

Less of a partner, more like an extra child to look after and a selfish one at that!

Have you tried talking to him about this?

Looking back, was he always this much hard work?

Wishing you strength and energy to figure out what to do.

Oh yes we've talked. The things I mentioned are just the tip of the iceberg really and believe it or not this is a significant improvement from how he has treated me before!

I believe his behaviour over the years has been abusive but I only realised that last year when he accidentally locked himself out of the house and then rang me at work to say if I didn't drive home to let him in (an hour and a half round trip) during my work time he would kick the back door in (which cost several hundred pounds due to the size of it). I wish to god I'd have let him do it and rang the police to remove him then because he will not leave now. It's like he believes that because he is now making some effort to be treat me as a human being now, everything he's done over the last 10 yrs should be forgotten.

OP

If you can find the strength please think about leaving this awful man.

You deserve better than this and I believe that there is better out there for you. You said he has changed for the better recently but going by what you have said it seems too little too late.

Do you still love him? Do you want to stay together? Do you have dc?

QuiteLikely yes it is too little too late but he seems to have no understanding of that. We have 3 dcs. DC3 is only 6 mths old, I found out I was pg just as I was planning to leave him last yr & then I decided to try & make a go of it for the sake of the children. There's always some excuse that makes it easier to stay than to leave. No I don't feel I love him, I think he's spent the last 10 yrs killing any love I had for him.

Thank you Donkeys. Yes he has always been hard work but I was too foolish to see it! I always blamed myself, thought I was the problem. I made excuses for his bad behaviour, he doesn't realise how he makes me feel, etc but last year it was like my eyes opened for the first time and I saw him for what he really is. Then suddenly, once I'd had it out with him, he was able to stop all the behaviours I had excused for years in an instant!

Do you have much of a support network or are you highly dependent on him? One way to make the transition from 'lonely marriage' to 'independence' is to create a life for yourself that is alongside your partner rather than with them. A good social circle, support network, sources of income, etc.

Life is too short to spend it being lonely in an unhappy relationship.

We only get one life. Don't waste it.

Your husband sounds like a knob.

Well you have tried and he hasn't, so you need to re assess where you go fro here.

Find some backbone within you and leave this awful role model of a husband and father.

You do not have to continue to make a go of it for the sake of the children; also doing that is a very bad idea anyway (it also teaches them amongst other things that a loveless marriage is the "norm" and they certainly will not say thanks mum for you doing that to them. They will also wonder of you why you put him before them).

What do you want to teach them about relationship, surely not this rubbish role model of one? You have three children, you do not need to be badly accompanied by this manchild as well.

They should never be used as glue to bind your H and you together.

Cogito yes I'm quite lucky in that I've got a good support network & a good career. I'm the main wage earner and will be going back to work in a few weeks so that will help. I have a supportive family and a few friends, one of whom I've confided in about how dh has treated me.

My family live about 10 miles away and ideally I'd love to closer (I moved near to dh family because he wouldn't entertain living on my side of town) but I feel stuck here now because kids are in school. I often dream of a life with just me and dcs, living up the road from my family.

OP I empathise with you, my dh is very similar. I think we know what we need to do :(

OP - I don't mean this to sound in any way cruel, but why are you even still there?

You have financial independence with a good wage. You have supportive family and friends. Your support network live - literally - within running distance of where you are based.

It comes across that you are clinging on to excuses to stay - which I understand is normal in these situations, but you really need to stop looking for reasons to be trapped. Your children can change schools. Kids change schools ALL the time. That is not some insurmountable hurdle, or even a particularly difficult one.

The only thing trapping you at the moment is your mentality towards the situation. This is a terrible environment for your children - you are doing them no favours at all staying just so they can have two parents (who don't like each other) living under the same roof.

How are you OP