Hi all, need some perspective/ advice.
My dp and I have been together for nearly four years. He is my first love and my head is such a mess.
On monday I asked to watch a video on his phone and he was really shifty about it ( not letting me get to the youtube app on his phone trying to get it up for me) I jokingly made a comment along the lines of ' oh have you got something to hide' and could instantly tell that there was. He then told me there was some pictures of girls on there that his friend had sent him on whatsapp.
I then looked throught his phone and there was a picture of one girl on there in her bra. (I am 100% sure his friend sent him this as the convo added up on whatsapp) I got extremely angry and he cried etc said he was sorry and we sorted it out.I asked him if there was anything else he had to tell me he assured me no. However I had s niggling feeling this was not the case and checked his phone again and lo and behold he has been watching porn and also looking at images of women on tumblr and deleting the history ( not the mobile data though).
The porn on its own of he was honest would not be such a big deal but te tumblr thing hurt like hell! The lying was what hurt the most really. We had a massive argument but ended up staying together that night as I was due to start university the day after and although I was fuming I was also shitting it with the thought of starting university.
I have flitted between ending it and forgiving him over the past few days and tbf I have been hot and cold with him. I sent him a text this morning saying it was over and that I know he is still hiding things from me etc.
He then replied saying ok its definately over I cant do the hot and cold anymore ill bring your stuff round when you are at work. I obviously regretted it and tried to ring him after work and he kept rejecting my calls and not replying to my texts.
This drove me insane as I was flitting betweem being angry and extremrly worried ( he has had MH issues including self harm in the past) I eventually went down to his and he was sat round with all his friend.
I then did the unthinkable and completely humiliated myself screaming at him( they could hear it all) I was just so angry he had let me worry myself sick a simple text saying I dont want to talk right now would have been sufficient.
He came with me on a walk and told me it was over he didn't want to be with me he couldnt deal with the hot and cold, and couldnt deal with the guilt he felt.
He was crying saying he loved me he wanted to be with me ( even though he told me 5 mins earlier he didnt) but he had made up his mind earlier that day and blocked my number which is why he hadnt replied to any of my texts.
I know I said it was over but I am heartbroken. I love him so so much and now hes gone I just wisj we could work throught it.
However I am also angry and feel like he doesnt care as to me it's like hes fucked me ovee doing things he knows would hurt me, lied and then when he feels bad for hurting me walked away and not tried.
Sorry for any typos on my phone. Sorry if this seems trivial but I'm absolutely in bits I thought we would buy a house together have kids etc. However I know that I dont trust him so maybe this is for the best.