IF an ex spreads lies about you

[NCMR]

If an ex left you in a particularly viscous way (out of a 5 year LTR living together) and you found out a long time afterwards that they had told HUGE lies about you in the process, wwyd?

The lies told about me specifically were:

1. That we had split due to a long time not getting on / because I was hard to live with.

TRUTH: He was shagging a 20 year old in his office.

1. That one of the reasons I was hard to live with was because I got him into debt.

TRUTH: He got ME into debt!!!!

1. That he had tried and tried for ages to fix our problems and I would not talk

TRUTH: I had no idea we had "problems" until I found a text from 20 year old thanking him for a lovely fuck.

He also continued for some time to shag me, beg for me back and cry and tell me he loved me and wanted to work on it - when behind my back he was telling people I would not leave him alone and accept the breakup. He had people calling me a bunny boiler behind my back instead of supporting me when I needed it most. I have been told people are saying "poor bastard putting up with her for so long".

What makes me most angry is that I was such a completely devoted partner and loved him so much. We never argued or didn't get on. Best friends, everything was great and I totally trusted him.

I also evidence of all of this. Text messages. Emails. Screenshots of Skype Chats an could easily expose him.

I also have evidence that while he was with me he was fucking prostitutes and that he was engaging in dubious activity online (such as dressing up in my lingerie and wanking for strangers. Yes nice...I know.

The people he told all this to was basically everyone. His friends, mutual friends, his family.

In terms of his family and his friends (who I was VERY, VERY close to) they all basically cut me off.

In terms of mutual friends, a couple cut me off, but for the most part what they did was to "stay out of it" and I know basically most of them are hearing two diferrent stories and don't know what to believe.

He is a VERY convincing person. I lived with the man 5 years and thought I was with a saint.

By the way...NOW...he is sorry, says he "doesn't remember" saying anything like that / denies it and wants to be friends!!!!

Some of our mutual friends go back to school days and it has been VERY upsetting that after so many years of being well thought of and popular this has assassinated my character to some of the people I cared most about.

Also disgusts me that he ran around getting sympathy!!!!

I don't know what to say other than I feel for you.

My fiancé has been spreading similar lies about me I'm sure of it.

What happened with him?

I'd want to retaliate in some way.I did want to, but now glad I kept my cool. I had an LCB too. God knows what he told everyone about our split. People just think you are mad if they are on their side anyhow. Just put it down to a bad experience if you can.

Thank your lucky stars you aren't together anymore. Cut contact. Breathe and move on......

What's done is done

I've had similar. A small bit of me finds it hard that people believe such rubbish about me, but I have to say that bit's getting smaller as time goes on. Most of me believes and realises that my real friends don't believe for one second that the stuff he says is true. Anyone who believes his nonsense and thinks I really am the person he says isn't anyone who I want in my life anyway.

Try your hardest to move on. Gather people around you who know you well. True friends of yours will see through him. People who believe him are not your real friends and not worth fretting over.

I'd like to think I'd rise above it, but I so wouldn't.

He did all this and friends and family started to say there must have been a good reason. Things must have been pretty bad at home for someone to leave like that. People form opinions and think it takes two to end a relation ship. It creates suspicion if a person says the opposite of what you were saying. But I read (and agree) "It takes two to build a relationship and one to destroy it". I have so much evidence on him and have hung on so long without retaliation

I can really see why you'd want to post it all. But it would likely backfire on you. A plausible man would still twist things. You would be seen as a vengeful, crazed woman posting it all. I just don't think people would read it and do what you want them to do - which is think "ah, that's why it happened, poor NCMR, she was right all along". From the outside of your relationship, where people are not emotionally invested, they would just see an anger driven rant, and STILL view you with suspicion.

Honestly, rise above it and cut these people out of your lives. Do some things just for you - hobbies/ sport/ spa/ wine. I say this as someone who also has a bunch of people out there believing I am mad/ a liar/ bitter/ you name it.

I just spend my time with the ones who still think I'm lovely, funny, sane, and brave for getting out.

Well... you could gather copies of all your evidence, paste it into a nice book, add notes, comments, thoughts, dates etc...

... the front page should include a request that he stops bad mouthing you and leaves you completely and utterly alone from here on in.

It's up to you if you ever post it to him or not

But I think you just need to accept that you hooked up with a total shite and now need to accept the consequences. You are right, you can't make people see the truth but you can re-build you, your life, your friends etc. So stop looking back, move on, be great, be happy, say 'Fuck you' every day... until you no longer feel the need to hate him.

I'd leave it alone for the following reasons,

those who believed him will believe him regardless, those who didn't won't, (and ditto for the vast majority who really couldn't care less!)

Given the lapse in time revisiting it may make you appear a little unhinged. (totally fucking unfair i know!!!)

Reassure yourself that every single day you can look yourself squarely in the mirror and be proud of your behaviour, something he will never be able to do.

Ignore it.

I know that seems like shitty advice but it is the best. My ex spread a lot of horrible lies about me too because I dared to leave him. I was jealous, abusive, a cheat....basically everything that he bloody turned out to be!

He also told everyone about a horrific attack I had gone through as a teenager, and even helpfully pointed out that i must have been a slut for it to happen in the first place.

Yes I list friends through it. But do you know what? If they were so eager and ready to believe lies about me then they weren't friends. People who actually really knew me wouldn't have believed them for a second.

Hold your head up high. You know he's lied, the people who care about you truly will know he has lied. It doesn't matter about anyone else.

OP its at times like this you find out who is worthy of having in your life and who isnt. And that goes for family as well as friends.
My DM would believe anything bad about me and has done in the past so i know how you feel.

Your ex is a toxic gaslighting fuckwit and you are well rid of him.

Sliced that is awful What an absolute BASTARD!

Yes.

Well shot of that arsewipe!

Ok, read all of this it may make some sense.

Be thankful that he has shown "friends" in their true light, if they are prepared to believe crap about you then they are not true friends.

He has done you a favour.

x posted with sliced

All I can advise OP , is that the truth will always out in the end.
It may take months , years even but eventually a liar will always trip themselves up
Hold your head up high and always believe in your self and remember you know they actual truth, his so called friends etc are all being lied to. When they find this out for themselves, they will not remain his friends. (If they have any sense! )

I'm with the others he did you a favour by showing who was a true friend!
I had it with my sons father, to the point when one of his 'woman' phoned my house and ranted at me that I was a greedy 'whore' (her words) for not letting him have his car and what a saint he was to not demand it back as he'd left me the house... was my house, my car and he'd never ever contributed to it!!
He also told a chap that was going to ask me out ( about 3 years after we split) that I only like sex up the bum and was weird ( not true at all).
He even told my now DH that I was still having sex with him and many more lies, all untrue and spiteful, I'd thrown him (the ex) out because he was shagging anything and everything and he wanted his meal ticket back!

Sad insecure twats like this are best away from your life.

My initial thought was that if I were you I'd love to post it all on Facebook, but the others are right. What other people think of you is none of your business, the people who matter will know better than to believe his bullshit.

very few people know why I left ex, consequently some have taken his side. they were not interested in discussin git so left them to it. I occasionally get a message passed on from one of the people in the same group who I think knows better.

It happens a lot. The first person to justify themselves by blaming the other seems to be believed... DSis left a lovely bloke, many moons ago. No one knew why, they seemed so happy, were so good looking together, made a lovely couple and all that.

Dad mentioned it a while ago, why couldn't she have held onto him? What was wrong with her that she couldn't keep such a lovely bloke. She shrugged it off. But I was bursting to tell Dad exactly what that lovely bloke was like in private. I doubt he'd have thought better of her if he knew, though!

She only got said lovely bloke to leave when he threatened me and I told him in no uncertain terms where to get off. He actually raised his fist and asked if I would like some too? According to her I was 'fucking scary' and she almost stepped in to protect him. I only remember being terrified, of him and for her.

This is horrible for you.

All I can say from my own experience, is that I had an ex spread lies (although nowhere near as malicious as yours) and when I heard them, I tried to put people right on the truth.

Now with the benefit of time and hindsight, I think the people who were telling were enjoying the drama, and I wish I had said nothing. It goes without saying that the people who cut you out aren't worth it.

I've had to just ignore stbx doing the same thing. He of course is not going to tell his family and friends that he was getting involved with OW prior to us separating, that he was going into online dating saying he was single while we were still together, that he was verbally and physically abusive - not just to me but towards our very young children (which is why we separated). Of course he can't tell them THAT. They might not think he's a "great guy."

So he lied. A LOT. I've had to fall back on the whole "those who know me, know better. Those who obviously don't, it doesn't matter." Unfortunately quite a few members of his family are more willing to believe I'm a nasty bitch that dumped him for no good reason than they are willing to believe that he is an abusive twat. Ho hum. Oh well.

I know the truth. My friends and family know the truth. That's going to have to be good enough for me.

Yes, had all this. They do it when they are planning to exit the relationship (usually because they've sensed that you've had enough.) They bad mouth you first so that anything you subsequently say isn't taken seriously. I know its horrible.