I'm really struggling all of a sudden :(

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It's been a hard few years with DS dx with ASD after 2 years of going back and for, being on waiting lists and just feeling confused, scared and frustrated wondering what the future holds. My relationship with DS dad broke down as the stress of everything got to us. Despite this I think I've coped well, still managed to stay positive, trying to help DS, still going to work, i was even ok when relationship ended and moved out and have tried to stay friends with DS dad. I always seem to be upbeat and don't dwell on or talk to friends about my problems, I keep things in.
I should have known it would come back to bite me but the last few weeks I've been really struggling, I feel like I'm neglecting DS because I can't seem to summon the energy that I used to to deal with and help him, I developed a stupid crush on somebody that showed me a bit of affection and now I feel like a fool, I know I've let things get on top of me and I'm really stressed in a new job and being single parent with mortgage etc but I just don't know how to get out of it. DS deserves better, I didn't need anybody else and was happy on my own with DS but now I feel like it will impossible to meet anybody else with a DC with SN anyway. Why do i care all of a sudden, I was happy by myself?! I hate feeling like this, so down and impatient with DS and unhappy, it's not like me and I don't know what to do about it please help??

I'll start this one off by saying it is hard to have a kid with ASD. It is my and my DWs experience that other parents do not appreciate the extra strain you are under. Our little boy is practically hard to look after it's all relentless lifting and cleaning and stopping him from injuring himself etc. there's just no one we can leave him with.

I am a very patient person and I get impatient with my DS too. He keeps grabbing my fingers and pulling me round the house to something he's interested. It gets very irritating if it's all day long. I feel bad whenever It makes me grumpy, which is usually the end of the day when I have had enough. his sleeping habits are not good. How are your DS's sleeping habits? Are you getting enough sleep?

You can certainly meet other parents with ASD children if that suits you, there will be local groups. I am developing friendships with parents in a similar position.
I think you were referring to meeting a new man when you have an ASD child. The problem there might just be getting the free time you need to meet new people, not the acceptableness of a parent with a SN child. Have you got any babysitting support from family or friends?

Thanks for the reply dadwood its nice to hear from somebody who understands about the ASD side of things. I feel bad for complaining as I know that I have got it a bit easier than some parents of DC with ASD (with major meltdowns and behaviours issues). DS is just so busy and needs constant supervision it does wear you down. I do have babysitting support from family but tend to use it up with when I need to work so don't like to ask for extra help too often. I get free time when DS with his dad but with friends all married now its tough being single with no single friends, I'm usually just bored when DS not here. DS sleeps ok, not compared to NT DC probably but could be a lot worse, usually sleeping by 9-10pm and wakes anything between 6-8am.

I think you are right about meeting other parents, I know of a local group but I have never been to meet up with them or found out anything about it really.

Hi OP. Our DS sleeps a similar length of time to yours, but he does wake up sometimes at 4 am and sings. he is practicing his phonemes we think!
Our DS does not have meltdowns either, but he is pretty incompatible with other children because he will hit them hard if they cry. yes, the constant supervision wears you down and the medical appointments steal all of your annual leave (my wife's in my case)

It is really difficult to change gear and enjoy any time off from looking after our DS.

I can't comment on being single with no single friends. I expect somebody else will be along to do that. FWIW I think that a good friend network is a better investment than dating fun in the short term, but I am married so my opinion might not be worth much!

MN has ways of getting you together with local people. There'll be people in the same position local to you who might make understanding friends.

Back to the sleep thing: I know you say his sleeping could be worse, but look at the length of time you are "on duty" no wonder you feel a bit strung out. no time to watch TV and wind down before you have to go to bed yourself.

I do have a good friend network really, its just as they are married and have DC and so not too much time to get together anymore. I don't even really want to date, before this guy came along I was happy by myself or at least I thought I was :/
I do tend to stay up late and watch tv to unwind as I don't start until around 10pm but I haven't been sleeping too well lately since feeling like this either. If I wake in the night or DS wakes me I just can't switch off and go back to sleep. I feel depressed but want to snap myself out of it. Sometimes I think I have but then something happens like today and I go right back again.

I think you might be overdone! I hope some other posters come along with their opinions, whether or not they have a SN child. I don't like to be the only one posting, and I can't comment on you wanting a partner because I'm not in the same position

With regards to friends, you do need friends you can currently access, i.e. see for a visit or a coffee. If your friends are all married and have children and are not available, they won't be able to fill your bucket up. You might be able to find some people on the same timetable as you and who are very local.

Thanks dadwood, I know I have let it all get on top of me, the last 3.5 years have been all about ASD, therapies, medical appointments, like you said all annual leave used up on this so no real break, with the breakup and moving etc on top I knew I was feeling too good for it to last IYKWIM. I know why I've hit a brick wall but I'm not sure how to just get over it I suppose!
It's not all about the SN aspect I suppose its about getting used to being single, that's why I posted in relationships. I feel like I miss the affection and company of a relationship and its lonely but at the same time I don't want another relationship, especially one that goes wrong and having to deal with that again. I just want to go back to being happy but not sure how.

It's absolutely exhausting and you are fine to feel its all too much sometimes. I have a DS with ASD and its a constant effort and a constant guilt trip that we are not doing enough. i am sure you do your best. I am married but feel like co carers than a couple! Are you eligible for a carer for your DS. We are just looking into it and have been allocated 3 hrs a week - not much but will be a lifeline. Maybe a single parent would get more?

Toddler groups and playdates have saved my sanity, even though I have to police my DS closely. That's a practical step. You'll find that some of the other mothers will have some similar feelings.

Another boring suggestion I have is to strap DS into a push chair (if you can) and go for a walk. It'll lift you mood.

If you invest all your happiness in a partner at this point, you'll give yourself a rough ride. it'll probably take a few mistakes to find the right one. Better to find lots of little things to improve your life.

If you think you might be getting depressed, you could go and talk to your GP about it.

Thanks both, rocket i did have an assessment about having respite when ds was diagnosed but stupidy acted like everything was fine and i didnt need any help (it was more fine then though) tbh I don't really want any more time away from DS though, between work and him being with exP a few times a week I think I just need to sort myself out so I have the patience to deal with him again.
Dadwood you're right about not investing my happiness in a partner, I think its a slippery slope I have started to go down without realising and now its dragging me down.
I need to concentrate on DS and myself. I feel guilty as all this change is bound to be effecting DS and I've gone crap all of a sudden too!

I feel guilty as all this change is bound to be effecting DS and I've gone crap all of a sudden too!

Don't beat yourself up! It's a very hard position you are in. Most would find it challenging. Me and DW do, we really do and there's two of us!

Thanks, I do feel a bit better getting it off my chest and just admitting I'm struggling instead of putting on an act, I guess I just need to give myself time and try improve things in small steps.

There is no harm in talking to your GP and considering short term antidepressants either if you're finding yourself feeling Los and unable to boost yourself without help. Or you could give at johns wort a go, just check with GP if you're taking any other meds.

Melatonin is often used with people with ASD, can help with sleeping better, or for yourself to get over that waking up anxious bit.

Sending warm thoughts and and and hope things feel a bit lighter for you soon x

I get it. Ds was never actually dx but has mild asd, and I realised when he was tiny. The worry and uncertainty causes massive stress. I was consumed by it, xh wasn't, and our relationship broke down for that and many other reasons. It seemed the cruellest double blow at the time. (Statistically, it's frighteningly common though )

I think there are bound to be times when your focus changes. I was totally absorbed in helping ds with speech therapy for ages, as that for him was the major issue - nowadays I don't need to be and have a job, friends, new partner and an identity separate from being his mum. In order to help your child, you need yo make sure you are strong and happy yourself.

Look after yourself, accept help. Give yourself permission to do things for you, have treats, go out, and when you're ready, date and have a life which doesn't centre on your dcs. If you feel low, go to your gp. Counselling really helped me too.

Thanks adara, I have consider melatonin as DS can find it hard to wind down at night, I might speak to,GP about that and think I will try St. John's wort as I don't want AD.
Carlywurly you sound like you've been in a very similar position so its really nice to hear how you have come out of the other side thank you

And that's exactly it, I was consumed by it and DP wasn't and now I think I'm burnt out but because I know I can relax a bit as DS is finally getting help from elsewhere