I've posted on here a few times before about my (previously) physical and ongoing emotional (but far far less than it was a year ago due to me enforcing a split in the winter) abusive relationship. I won't go over all the details again but suffice to say i realise that my relationship is and has been abusive and that I should LTB.
We split in Jan but I then let him come back at Easter, after I had taken a break with dd and we had both missed him. I decided to give it another 6 months - and we had a recent holiday (always a flashpoint) which I also decided to make the final decision after.
It's not been as bad, but I have been logging every abusive shouting match and it's actually been almost weekly - the longest gap was 2 weeks. The holiday was not terrible but there were a couple of incidents when he yelled at me in front of our dd and one in particular in which I could not stop crying after despite my poor 6 year dd's efforts to try and calm me. That last episode is perhaps for me the most telling that I must do this now.
Previously what has stopped me has been financials + effect on my dd of both divorce and having to move house as dh has told her in thep ast if we divorce she will have to move house and so she equates this as being a BAD thing.
It took me a while to get my head around uprooting everything so much and upsetting my dd - but on holiday I had a flashforward to holidays of the future when she will be so much more horrified by the the rows- plus dh refers to sex etc in the rows in front of her so she will soon understand what he means by this.
I've also looked into housing and with some family help (a lot of family help - I will have to beg!) I can afford a pretty ok 2 bed house near her school and in the same catchment area as the secondary school she and her friends would be going to. I've thought of ways of cushioning the blow for her even so far as getting her a trampoline and a rabbit if we have a slightly bigger garden as some of these houses do. Even if we have to move slightly more out eg if i end up having to pay a fortune for divorce she will still be able to stay at same primary school and the secondary school is after all years away.
So I am in a much better place emotionally and logistically in my head. I think I can do this now. I think that I just need to go ahead and file for divorce. I've told dh but he is just carrying on as normal. Last night he started talking about future holidays and I had to tell him - no we are not ok still. He doesn't really believe I will do it so I need to tell him again that I will and then eventually file for divorce. In the past I have normally relented so I need to keep this decision up and when I think he has had fair warning I can file.
The reason for fair warning is that we will have to live together during this and I want to do all I can to make it less of a shocker (as it was back in the winter when we split and I could barely hold my job down). He must know it's not ok. For him of course the issue is not living with dd. I feel terrible about this but then I think he could have just stopped shouting at me - I told him at Easter I could not tolerate it and although it has lessened it still happens. So he has made that choice. It's also the fact that he does it in front of dd.
Weirdly I have also felt content that I don't want to have sex with him and I am not in love with him. I even listen to love songs to reassure myself that I do not feel that for him. So even for the sake of stability and my dd's stability that does not make a good marriage or a good situation for her to grow up in.
I guess I am just logging this for myself and to hear words of encouragement - particularly as regards my dd who will be devastated . I just keep thinking of her hearing our rows and how my dh does not moderate what he says or how he says it in front of her - so I can't protect her from what she hears unless I live on my own with her. And she told me on holiday that she hated seeing me cry - I never saw my mother cry.
ultimately I am now looking forward to the future - just not sure how it's going to be getting there and if i can really do that final push to force through a divorce and house sale. and just worried about dd moving into a new house on same night that she has to see dh move out if we both end up in same chain - really hoping at some point he will agree to go earlier even if we end up spllitting rental costs while we sell.
sorry long!