Do Domestic Abusers Want Their Own Way?

[DepressedFiance]

As per the title, do you think this is what makes up for or at least contributes to a Domestic Abusers 'persona'?

Because they want their own way & like to control/dominate people?

In a word, yes. It's about control.

You may benefit from a site called www.shrink4men.com - I don't think it's updated anymore, but a lot of the articles on there are well worth a read (I came across your first post last night).

Please have a look and feel free to message me - my own DP was abused by his ex wife. I feel for you.

Yes. A bullying/controlling/dominating/manipulative personality often comes from a place of insecurity or inadequacy. They derive self-esteem & a feeling of superiority from seeing others brought low. They get no pleasure from the success of others but see it as a personal attack. Capable of being quite charming if everything is going their way but vicious when challenged and will deliberately create confrontational situations in order to have an excuse to be aggressive.

Understand why you'd devote a lot of thinking time to why your ex girlfriend behaves the way she does but hope you are putting as much effort into finding ways to boost your self-esteem and move you from where you are now to something much happier. It's your life and you are #1 in it.

That just about answers my question ladies, thank you. :)

Infact it has actually confirmed what I thought abusers were like, part of their trait.

There's a fair amount of evidence to suggest perpetrators of domestic abuse are at least in part motivated by fear of abandonment.

Linky here

Thanks for the link.

I do agree with your point about fear of abandonment.

This link was also interesting:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Power_and_control_in_abusive_relationships

There are also people in the world (my sister is one of them) who cannot conceive of the idea that other people have their own thoughts and feelings. They are functional in all other aspects of their life, but when it comes to relationships all they can see is how they feel, how they are affected, how they can get the upper hand and get what they want. I know with my sister it's actually not deliberate, she genuinely thinks that if someone drops something upstairs and makes a loud noise that they're doing it to annoy her and they're being inconsiderate and selfish etc. She genuinely feels aggrieved when she demands something from someone and they don't give it to her right away. Yet when the tables are turned she dropped something entirely by accident and can't do a favour because she's busy and any suggestion otherwise again means you're inconsiderate and selfish etc. It is absolutely and entirely impossible to have a relationship with her as she is totally incapable of understanding how the whole thing works.

I don't think it's necessarily about wanting their own way. With many abusers they just want an "excuse" to "justify" being abusive.

So even if you do every single thing they ask, they will constantly change the perimeters of what they want.

i think sometimes it's less about the abuser wanting their own way, than about them making sure the person they are abusing doesn't get their own way - the controlling behaviour can manifest like that sometimes

KayKayBlue

I think you have nailed it on the head here.

Another trait abusers use is that they think they can shift the blame onto the victim & make them believe that they are the cause of the incident.

cailindana completely recognise that! I've just left a very abusive relationship (thanks to coming to understanding via Mumsnet) and here's a little, but telling example: If I couldn't hear what my husband said, it annoyed him because it was my fault for being a deaf twat. If he couldn't hear me, it annoyed him because I talked too quietly on purpose to irritate him. (Who was the twat? Answers on a postcard, please)

Exactly help me. You simply cannot win because by merely existing you are in the wrong.

Sometimes it's learned behaviour (the abuser grew up in a family with one or more abusive adults and absorbed at a very deep level the idea that violence and intimidation are the way to get what you want from other people.) Sometimes it's a pathology/personality disorder (other people don't really 'exist', don't have feelings or needs, they are there to either meet or block the needs of the abusive person, the only one who is 'real'.)
Sometime's it's ideological - the partner is not a person but an inferior: something partway between pet and servant, which must be trained to obedience and made aware of its low status.

I think it's more than wanting their own way - almost like a toddler, they literally believe that they're more important than anybody else and hence they expect their own way. So when they don't get it, they react at first like anybody reacts who doesn't get what they feel they should reasonably expect. And then over time they become so enraged that they feel justified in using any means possible (manipulation, fear, threats, violence) to exert their expectations, which they don't believe (and cannot be convinced) are unreasonable.