Forgiving and forgetting behaviour that is ongoing?

[loveallthepeople]

I've been NC with my parents for almost a year.

I recently didn't attend a big family event (at a cost of potentially pissing off other family members) because I felt so strongly about not wanting to see or have to talk with my parents.

I have been having a hard time about this, feeling guilty that I'm doing the wrong thing etc.

Was chatting to my DP about this (who has been very supportive). He suggested that I might feel better if I just bury the hatchet and call them. Lay the past to rest etc.

I've been thinking about this today and realised that actually it's not so much the past that I can't forgive, its the fact that the abuse is ongoing and that they will never change. I have long since been a child and my parents difficult life situation when we were growing up is not relevant anymore however they continued their abusive ways throughout my whole life well into my thirties. They will never change, particularly because they don't want to acknowledge that they have a problem (my dad is very verbally abusive, aggressive, flies into terrifying rages, can be violent, mum completely allows him to behave like this and sticks up for him etc).

I am being asked to forgive behaviour that will never change.

Does any of this make sense?

Yes it makes sense.

Forgiveness is a toughie, not quite sure what it is tbh, but as far as I can work out you can forgive but it's quite justifiable not to put yourself back into the situation where you are going to be treated badly in the first place.

So it's reasonable to forgive but it's also reasonable to say that you don't want to walk back into the pit of lava that you scrambled out of and that will still erupt.

I think that for every day life, you're much, much, much better off without people who go into terrible rages and are verbally abusive. No matter who they are, being around that is extremely stressful and unpleasant. I'm surprised that your DP is suggesting recontacting them.

Your DP is offering suggestions based on his own experience because he can see you are struggling and finding NC difficult. If he has a reasonably normal family and relationship with his parents he probably won't have come up against the 'unforgivable' situation. In most families, nothing is so bad that it can't be resolved with a heart-to-heart.

So I don't think you're being asked to forgive necessarily. I think he just wants you to feel better. Speculating a little .... do you bend his ear a lot about this? Might he be having compassion fatigue? Suggest you continue with NC therefore but treat it as a constructive development & find ways to deal the guilt over things like missing out on big family events. Counselling might help you.

You can forgive them from a distance. They are badly damaged people and are unlikely to either acknowledge this or seek to change their behaviour towards you.

I understand your DP's suggestion about burying the hatchet as I'm sure it's kindly meant, but please reject it utterly. He obviously hasn't suffered at the hands of people like this so has no conception of the danger you would be putting yourself in.

Hi op

I'm nc with my mother for lots of reasons but I can't tell anyone what the final push was because the law prevents me from doing so.

I have had to listen to well meaning encouragements to try and sort things out. If only they knew...

I haven't forgiven. She's a despicable woman. But the more time that passes and the further away she gets, the easier it is.

Ignore your dh's suggestions. It won't help, you'll be angry with yourself and resent him for it. Others are right. Those with 'normal' families just don't understand.

I wouldn't ignore your DH, he can see you're hurting and has made a suggestion to try to help.

Instead I'd see this as a sign that you shouldn't be trying to ignore you're feelings, that somehow you need to find acceptance that they won't change and that you need to come to peace with the fact and move on.

It's not easy, I'm NC with family members and after being very hurt and angry at first, found my peace in realising I didn't have the power to change them, that there's no reasoning with the unreasonable, and that they bought more negatives than positives and being related wouldn't change that fact.

I've found my peace somehow after a long process which came from lots of thinking rather than trying to forget.