Bickering etc with DP (we have baby of 9months)

[CantThinkOfAGoodUserName]

Is it normal to bicker/argue more?
He keeps telling me I'm too sensitive and defensive which I suppose I always have been but maybe I am more so now I have baby.
He has this tendency to repeat himself and tell me things over and over which I do find annoying and lately I snap a bit more when he does this, then he is upset and it turns into this whole debate about what's wrong with me, why I'm sensitive etc.
He asks if I'm happy, I should be happy as I have daughter and he has a good job now etc but I am happy with my life, I love my daughter more than I ever knew possible.
The main thing really is that I'm permanently tired! DD has taken to waking several times a night and wakes up early anyway (around 5-6am). She's a happy beautiful baby but doesn't eat as well as I think she should so sometimes that stresses me although she is gaining weight and thriving ok.
With my DP at work all day, I have a lot of stuff to do and keep on top of so I think with tiredness, being so busy and stresses of bringing up baby I am more sensitive and snappy but that I don't mean to be spiteful or malicious and I don't really mean it. I find DP to be patronising when he says things like, you should be happy or is it because your tired?
It may be all trivial stuff but is it my fault? DP is making me feel like I'm a really horrible person keep snapping and making him feel bad.
How can I be better? Or is this normal? I love DP but small things about his ways of doing things irritates me, is that normal?
I feel so saddened by all the arguing and I feel that he is going to hate me.
How to go on from here and is it really that common to argue more when you have babies? When will it ease up?
Sorry for rant just a bit upset this morning

Its completely normal yes. Just been bickering with husband here this morning over two or three things. Normal things which you let go usually get blown out of proportion when you're tired.

asking if it's because your tired might be mildly annoying but it's a raesonable thing because, well, being tired does make everythign worse!

Being told I should be happy would drive me nuts, have to say. I'll be the best judge if I should be happy, thank you very much.

Does your husband appreciate how hard work it is to keep a house going and look after the baby when you're on very little sleep for a long time? Not feelign appreciated makes everythign worse. Can't say further if your husband is really being an idiot, rather than just annoying, from your post sorry.

In fairness, someone who is being super snappy can be hard work. Is it possible to ask a grandparent to take the baby for a night? or even for you stay at the grandparent's or a hotel for a night? It will make a world of difference to get one night's sleep, even more if you can get two.

Maybe think less of fault and more on how to manage getting through the days with the maximum sleep and least stress possible.

It is normal to find it difficult to function when you are getting only a few hours' sleep a night. It must be irritating that your partner doesn't appreciate that pretty obvious source of stress and extreme behaviour.

It sounds like you are only talking about this immediately after you have snapped at him? Might be a good idea to sit down when you are both feeling more relaxed (get someone in to babysit?) and you explain exactly as if to a small child how knackered you are and how your life has been turned around lately. If he tries to steer it round to your "misbehaviour" again cheeky sod, steer it right back to the reason you are knackered.

Also, have you tried naps? Your daughter presumably still sleeps during the day. About 20 minutes at a time is good - try some meditation-style techniques if you find it hard to zone out during that time.

I agree it's probably tiredness! It can make folk act and say irrational things without actually knowing they're doing it.

I think you need to do something to ensure that your batteries are getting fully recharged!

"DP is making me feel like I'm a really horrible person"

It's normal to be tired or snappy. It is not acceptable for your partner to make you feel like a horrible person. You're a couple, you're meant to work as a team and the baby is a shared responsibility. If the baby wakes up all night, for example, it is not solely down to one person to deal with that and end up tired and stressed while the other sleeps soundly, enjoys their good job, and then says 'what's the matter with you... you should be happy'.

Find ways to share the load more equally and for you to get more rest and relaxation. How often do you take a day out, leave DD with Dad and go do your own thing, for example?

"tell me things over and over "

Could you describe this a little more? Context is everything and 'telling things over and over' could be a lot of things. Could be someone thinks you aren't listening the first time and you need gentle reminders. Could be they are a crashing bore and like the sound of their own voice. Could be it's a more hectoring attitude intended to bully you into doing things their way.

Well I haven't really had a day to myself for a while, I had a night out a few weeks back for a friends party but I slept less that night (I slept on friends sofa after a few drinks and couldn't sleep) than normal. DP has ocd and anxiety issues so he has always tended to repeat himself and go on about things. I.e. Don't let DD in kitchen when cooking, make sure you keep an eye on her.
We have a party coming up and DP and DD won't be coming as we have no one to baby sit and it's late and she has been teething and I know she will be miserable so we decided that I would go alone and he would stay home with DD. Since that decision was made he asked me a few times, why don't you want me to come again??
For one, I never said I didn't want him to go, another thing is he hates social situations like that and probably wouldn't want to go if he didn't have to and mainly it's because we have no one to look after DD, especially as she has been so unsettled. Is that kind of passive aggressive questions? I not sure if that's what that is but he does that a lot, he says I'm not allowed to watch football am I? I've never once said anything like that... So before dd It didn't bother me as I just let it slide over me but now it really annoys me. There are things I do that aren't perfect I know, I'm not good at being helped, I tend to do things my way and never ask for help.

I just feel bad as he says that since he started work I've made him feel like an outsider in his home by being snappy when I think that's an over reaction but mostly I never mean it when I snap back at him, it's just at stressy times like when DD is crying or won't eat or something like that

The problem is clear. Up to no this anxiety-ridden, repetitive, anti-social man has had you in his life acting as 'mother' - calmly letting his neuroses and tics slide over you unbothered. This is interrupted by the arrival of a real live genuinely dependent baby and all that entails. Your priorities have now changed and your energy is refocused. Rather than do what most fathers would i.e taking some responsibility, being a parent and trying to make your life a little easier, he fusses about, winds you up with daft questions & then whines that he's an outsider in his own home when you lose patience.

I think he needs to grow up...

Gosh I am getting annoyed just reading what your Dh says! But then my daughter was a horrendous sleeper also and I have been still am in a foul and snappy mood for about a year!
Who is doing all the night wakings?
You need to get some sleep, imho.

"I'm not allowed to watch football am I? "

Revealing statement. 'Not allowed' Resentful, seeking permission/complaining of control and playing the guilt card all in one hit. It's the kind of way a toddler would approach Mummy for ice-cream... Impressive...

When you put It like that I understand but you know what, he has had a messed up upbringing and that's why he has so many mental health issues growing up. I'm not really sure what happened in his childhood exactly but I think his mum was not very nice to him. I don't blame him for any of his ways and I really know I'm not perfect but sometimes I really doubt whether it's me that's being unreasonable or him as he always seems to make it my fault (I'm trying not to be biased and see it in a open minded way).
When he says stuff like he does, he says it's banter and I overreact

I do all the night wakings but I think that's my fault as I have wanted to and he works now after years of not working due to his anxiety.

Thank you all for replying to me by the way, I appreciate it

A messed up upbringing and poor parenting doesn't give someone the right to make their partner feel like they're doing a bad job. Neither does a MH problem. If something is upsetting or offensive, calling it 'banter' doesn't make it any more pleasant.

Thank you, In a way I feel relieved a bit that maybe I'm not a horrible person I feel I am to be snappy and moany all the time. I'm also trying to see from all points of view as I'm sure my DP would probably write it differently, he is a lovely funny person really. I just can't work out anymore if he's right and there's something wrong with me or it's him pushing me to my limits. Thing I get most worried of is that I want my DD to have a happy not snappy mum. I worry I'm turning into a complete witch.
Any ideas how I can broach this with him? When I try and talk usually I end up apologising and he doesn't let me finish my sentences and somehow it will be switched to how it's my problem again. (Unless it is all me and I'm getting it all wrong)
Confused isn't the word!

I think you have to stop beating yourself up, stop making excuses, stop apologising & start from the perspective of what you want. What do you need him to do (or facilitate) that will make your life easier, more relaxed, less stressful? This would be a normal conversation between two parents of a small baby.

Example: 'I need more sleep'. My DB and his DW had a baby last year. They alternated one of them sleeping with baby in the basement while the other got an undisturbed night's sleep upstairs with their older DC. Only one of them tired at a time.. other one running on full batteries. Problem solved.

Thank you for your input cogito I appreciate it